I just want it all to stop

[AlwaysWalkingOnEggshells]

I grew up in a violent household, often witnessing severe domestic violence inflicted on my mother by my father. She would often try to escape in the middle of the night taking me with her but he would always track us down a few days later and bring us home.

I grew up and left home and got in to an abusive relationship of my own. I had always told myself I would never let that happen to me, I would leave at the very first sign of anything like that... It took two years and being pregnant for me to get away, I refused to bring a child into that environment, I didn't want my child to grow up seeing the things I had seen as a child.

Now I'm walking on eggshells once again. In a constant state of hypervigilance and anxiety, waiting for the next outburst, for the next small annoyance to set him off, for me to say the wrong thing and get an earful, for him to come home drunk and smash things. He's not violent towards me but is angry and agressive and shouts and swears and throws, kicks and breaks stuff.

The thing is I can't run away this time, it isn't my parent or my boyfriend. There's no escape this time because it's my adult son.

Please don't say just kick him out. I can't do that. He's my son and I love him. And it's all my fault. I raised him to be this way, my failures and mistakes caused this. So I can't kick him out. He's not violent but because of all the stuff in the past I'm constantly triggered and having flashbacks to when it was violent and I'm always scared that it will escalate and I'm just so tired. It's exhausting to be in a constant state of fear and anxiety and hypervigilance, watching what I say wondering if he'll take it the wrong way and get mad, hearing his key in the door and holding my breath waiting to see what kind of mood he is in.

Thank you for listening/reading. I don't really know why I'm posting. There's nothing you can do except advise me to kick him out which I can't do. I guess I just needed to tell someone and I can't tell anyone in the real world. I'm just really sad and tired tonight and he'll be home soon and I just want it all to stop.

"And it's all my fault. I raised him to be this way, my failures and mistakes caused this".

So, no teachers, classmates, grandparents, extended family, girl/boy friends, social media, TV, economic or social pressures involved in his upbringing? No normal 18 year old angst, confusion or thoughtlessness?

If you (inadvertently) portray yourself as helpless, completely responsible for his every behaviour and constantly anxious you are subconsciously telling him he can do as he wants with no consequence.

You can turn this around with help. Have you looked into counselling or do you have any support?

What a sad situation. Do you have any support? Friends or family? Have you ever called the police? As the PP said he doesn't have consequences and needs to know his behaviour is ok. There are specialist domestic abuse services in your area who can help you and can find the right intervention for him - it can and will get better but you need to speak out and get support for yourself.

Do you mean counselling for myself or for him? I have tried but he won't engage, I have tried to get counselling for myself but all the gp could offer was antidepressants and cbt. The cbt did not help. The antidepressants stopped me from killing myself but I feel more trapped now as that was the one escape route I had.

No I haven't called the police, as I said he's not violent.

No family, went no contact when I moved out. I don't have close friends, I have work colleagues, neighbours, casual aquaintences, so no I don't really have any support.

Counselling for yourself. You don't have to live with fear and guilt and regret, nor do you have to meekly put up with the behaviour of your son.

I can't afford any private counselling and the cbt through the gp didn't help

Have a look at my hypnosis AMA. If you think it's interesting please ping me a message.

So sorry to hear this. I too grew up witnessing my dad hit and kick my mother.
I am also having a troubling time too.

Where I live there is a women's support charity and I can honestly say I don't know what I would've done without their support.

I am also having free counselling with them.

Have you checked your local area to see if there is something similar in your area?

Good bless you. Sending you hugs 🫂

and another door broken... so fed up of paying to repair and replace stuff he has broken in a rage 😢

So don't. Unless it's a front/external door leave it as a reminder of his unacceptable behaviour.

I've tried that before he doesn't care or doesn't see it as unacceptable if he breaks stuff or he'll say it wasn't his fault that it broke.
If I say anything about the door he'll shout at me that it's just a fucking door get over it for fucks sake and probably break something else while shouting about it, so I don't bother saying anything anymore I just fix or replace and wait for the next one.
If I don't fix things then the broken thing will in some way annoy him and cause another rage filled outburst. And with something like the bedroom door I can't just leave it as I live in a private rental and if the landlord came over and saw it I'd be in trouble.

I had a look through your ama post and it does seem interesting, I'm going to read some more about it and watch some videos