What traumas have you experienced?

[JamSandle]

I've been reflecting on my life and trying to figure out how much trauma I've experienced. This is because i feel like the impact of these things is lingering along inside me and I'm trying to figure out if its because I've had an adverse response to normal life events and have poor coping strategies.I've kept it vague to avoid being outing. Obviously also what people define as trauma is variable and not necessarily the dictionary definition.

I've listed:

• death of a parent (young)
• several relationship breakdowns including partners with addiction, infidelity and sociopathy
• chronic mental health condition
• marriage breakdown

I'm curious. What have you experienced that you consider to be a trauma?

@MissCrowley I've been though all those emotions. I felt I had to be excellent to make it worth her while, and worthless if I didn't make the mark. To be honest we never had much in common, it was never a close relationship. I will never know how much of that was me keeping away from someone who might leave me if I wasn't good enough.

These days she's older, doesn't need loads of care, but I moved her nearby in case. I'm not sure how much I can do, it's purely an obligation as I don't feel a connection with her. Sometimes I'm angry, mostly I just pity her. She can't help who she is, and had her own demons.

Luckily I did have great female role models elsewhere in my family. I'm very independent, again no idea how much is nurture v nature. I didn't have any children, and a big part of that was being unable to imagine her in their lives, or indeed how I would parent, and what I might replicate

Do you think that sleep training / leaving a baby to cry it out can affect them like this?

No @scampichips I really don't

Unless accompanied by many other incidents of abuse

Rape
Teenage pregnancy and termination
Severe domestic abuse incident ( life threatening)with lengthy court case so prolonged period of hell , and not a satisfactory sentence ( no prison) which was hugely traumatic
They are the big three. I don't think I'll ever be over them, but I cope.

hmmm, I'm no expert but I was recently watching this video is Dr Gabor Mate where he seemed to suggest that it could be harmful.

None that I haven’t been able to deal with. The worst recently was DHs awful anxiety and inability to work but even that has been overcome with a dose or 3 of medicinal cannabis.

I am very fortunate that I haven’t had any childhood trauma

No, provided that you are a loving and attentive parent

Trauma top trumps is a really crap game and doesn't make anyone feel any better. OP, if you feel traumatised, and it sounds like you do, it doesn't matter how objectively serious your trauma was (if there is such a measure). The only questions you need to ask yourself are: 'is this negatively affecting me?' and 'is there something I could try to make it better?'.

You know what

It is strangely reassuring that I'm. Not the only one to go through total shit

My list: abusive parents (violent father, narcissistic and emotionally abusive mother)
miscarriage
second DD nearly died at birth, was not expected to survive, ventilated, convulsing, spent a week in neonatal ITU before pulling through
DH died of brain haemorrhage just before baby’s first birthday
being widowed single parent to baby and toddler while working high stress job as hospital doctor.
31 years of grieving DH
house set on fire by arsonist while both DDs and I were asleep inside.
Being hospitalised with Covid, pre vaccines, not knowing if I would survive, then being disabled by long Covid for two and a half years.
Coping with DD’s autism and depression and her hanging herself twice.
Life can be bloody tough. It was DD’s second hanging that finally cracked me, and I had to take 5 weeks off work for stress. Fortunately had 9 sessions with an excellent therapist.

1. Abused as a child gymnast.
2. 2 chronic health conditions.
3. Death of a friend.
4. Family breakdown ( No longer speak to one side of my family).
5. Ghosted by best friend of many years
6. 2 family members mental illnesses
7. Finding out a close friend was a child abuser

Lots of other things but not sure I would describe as traumatic as the above, just sad events 😕

Wow! Pretty much the same as you!

Evil mother, desperately unhappy loveless childhood & scars that will never heal!

Very long story of course & @ 56 now, am I able to really talk about it!

Failed marriage too - Too many demons remained at the time, we stood no chance!!

Rape, sexual assault, two miscarriages, traumatic birth.

I think everyone has traumatic experiences. You don’t need to have had better or worse experiences to justify seeking help for your trauma. If seeing someone is an option , I’d recommend it. I’d also recommend the book You’re Not Broken by Sarah Woodhouse.

Sibling diagnosed and treated for a life threatening condition when we were kids.
Parent with chronic health condition
Loss of 2x relatives to cancer
Loss of 2x friends at a young age
Broken engagement and loss of house
Miscarriage
Own cancer diagnosis
Alopecia
Partner with ongoing mental heath issues with associated financial problems.

I lost a parent as a teenager.

I've also had multiple rounds of IVF. I'm not sure I'd class this as a 'trauma' but I definitely minimise the impact it has had on me when I'm discussing it with other people.

Multiple sexual assaults and rape
Sexual coercion
Stalking
Gaslighting
Narcissistic abuse

I think a lot of it depends on life circumstances and the age you experience. I read a study recently for my work which suggested if you have parents/family that love you and you're secure in that knowledge you have more emotional resilience to deal with the trauma life throws at you.

I knew my parents loved me but I was bullied really badly at school from a young age and then sexually assaulted at the age of 8. I never told anyone about it pushed me inwards. For the next 10 years it affected me badly enough that I didn't learn anything at school. Therapy in my 40s has now sorted me out. I really wish I had done it sooner - I feel like my trauma took the best years of my life. My advice is that if you feel you need help take it. Don't let the past ruin your life.

And birth trauma

Yes.

drgabormate.com/no-longer-believe-babies-cry-sleep/

Quick NC

I've never done anything about any of mine, I've just swept them under the carpet. You'd never know if you met me. I'm not sure it's quite the right way to go about it but they're buried very deep so I just don't think about them for the most part:

• Low (ish) level bullying from Yr 7-13. Mostly 'just' exclusion but can make me quicker to do similar to others in adulthood (not proud) to make sure that it doesn't happen to me
• Sexual assault in early 20's
• Lifelong very difficult relationship with mother, as a result very low contact although she thinks she is perfect and can do no wrong. I just play along to keep the peace
• Miscarriage, which absolutely devastated me. Was in 2012 and not sure I'll ever quite get over it
• Fairly sure I had quite a good dose of PND. Ignored it and carried on, not sure I've ever been quite the same since

Outwardly I appear to be a very confident, popular and untroubled person who 'has it all.' And that's probably the way I'd like it to stay.

I agree that it's not necessarily helpful to 'compare trauma'.

I know for myself, I have found it difficult to accept how I'm feeling because 'it's not as bad as everyone else' or 'I am just getting on witn it'. Prime example, I lost a sibling to cancer in 2020. When Partygate came out, I went on huge rant about all of these poor people who lost relatives in 2020 while the government were having a piss up. DH turned to me and said 'Just like you have'. And I legitimately didn't even realise I had gone through something that shit myself until DH pointed it out to me. I 'just got on with it'.

It doesn't matter what you've gone through. If it's having a negative impact on your life, then it's having a negative impact on your life and you need to deal with that.

Drunk abusive father when I was growing up.

My grandmother disowned me when I was 11.

Sexually assaulted in my teens.

House broken into by burglars whilst I was at home and I knew they were in the house.

Several long term relationship breakdowns, including one which was emotionally/mentally abusive and one who was physically violent and nearly killed me.

My mum died very suddenly when I was 30.

Growing up in a dysfunctional household.

Eating disorder fuelled by my mother. Decade of my life I'll never get back.

Relationship breakdown, after 4 years of a toxic relationship. Ex ended things by changing his FB status and never offering a face to face conversation about it.

Growing up overweight and insecure. Always getting horrible comments on my weight.

I’ve experienced various traumatic events but sought treatment after the last (probably most traumatic) which resulted in overwhelming PTSD.

I feel like a different person. Bad things happened but they no longer shape who I am now or future me. I am not defined by those events and feel stronger than I’ve ever felt.

Bullied by two older brothers constantly growing up
Parents completely emotionally unavailable
Sexually abused by eldest brother.
Eventually when the abuse came out scapegoated by entire family including by sister who was also seriously sexually abused by brother.

Doing good now. The whole lost took 44 years to get over.