Mum ruling my life - MH suffering

[Chipmunk09]

I have no where else to go and just need to get this all off my chest.

I am an adult, with a husband and a young child. I moved out from my family home a couple of years ago but my life is still ruled by my mum.

it’s only since moving out that I’ve realised how emotionally damaging my upbringing was. I was completely blind and brainwashed before.

My whole childhood and early adulthood was spent being totally controlled and manipulated. Everything my parents said was right, I could not challenge them in any way.

As an adult, I am timid, and overly sensitive to others emotions.

Even though I live away now, my mum still manages to ruin my day simply by projecting her own unhappiness onto me. I am hard wired to want to fix her problems and make her happy. But it’s not my responsibility. As a child, it was never my responsibility.

I love her dearly, she has many inspiring qualities. She is giving, loves fiercely, educated and ambitious.

But she is also stubborn, negative, judgemental and so stuck in her ways. Growing up, I never heard her apologise for anything. It was always someone else’s fault. My poor dad was subjected to a lot of emotional manipulation too.

I know I should establish boundaries and distance myself. I just don’t know why I’m letting her do this to me. It’s effecting every aspect of my life. I’m constantly worrying. I never feel free to live my life. If I go out anywhere, I feel this weird sense of guilt, like I shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy myself. Every life decision I make, I am worried about what she will think or say. It’s a miracle I managed to move out.

There are obviously so many examples and details that I have missed out but this is the gist of it. I’m incredibly unhappy and I need a way out.

I’m wondering if therapy will help me.

I don't ant to read and run... it's incredibly sad to read posts like these.
What was your mums upbringing like?, was she brought up the way you were brought up?
Also, have you tried talking to her about it and how it makes you feel?

I think talking it through with a professional would help you further understand and assert your boundaries.

Sounds incredibly familiar and as a 50 year old I still struggle. What's helped me enormously is going on the "but we took you to stately homes" threads here. There are so many woman in your position and brilliant advice, support and help. It's changed my life regarding my parents. x

My Mum died in 2019 and honestly it was a relief. I can relate to a lot of what you say. Looking back I should have cut contact a long time before she died.

What boundaries do you have at the moment? How often do you see / speak to her? Ignore her calls more, leave longer between replying as a starting point. Let her know she isn’t important in your life.

I do think therapy would help you. Or maybe your DH or a trusted friend could take that role of listener, and help you see what you can do to liberate yourself from these shackles. Because once you're liberated you'll be a different person!
Do you think your mum wants you to be unhappy?

Thank you for the replies.

@AssignedSlytherinAtBirth thinking about it, I do think part of her wants me to be unhappy. I feel in some weird way she resents me for living the life I have at the moment. Maybe she feels her time has passed and she doesn’t want to let go of her children? Whatever reason it may be, it IS making me unhappy and needs to change.

@Afterfire i would say I have no boundaries right now. We message every day. And FaceTime so she can see DS. I see her once a week if not more, Which I feel is way too much for me. But she expects it…I would rather see her once or twice a month if I could.

it’s interesting you say you felt a release, I’ve often thought about how I’d feel if she passed but I feel guilty for even thinking about that. As I said I do love her but we have such a toxic dynamic.

Yes a good therapist will really help.

In the meantime can you start grey rocking her? Offer her sympathy, remind it's only in her power to change xyz and refuse to be drawn in.

Your story really resonates with mine, except I'm a few pages ahead. I started to create some boundaries and my mums response was to stonewall me and then cut me out so I am now estranged from my family. It has been 2 years now. It wasn't actually what I wanted, or my choice and it was devastating at the time. I don't really miss them though. I'm just grieving the relationship i always wished we had but could never quite create. I'll watch this thread too as I still struggle massively with the loneliness and rejection. X

I’m in exactly the same boat. Very difficult mother who is bitter and resentful about her life and my father about how he gets his own way. She’s critical and judgemental and it’s become apparent that I’m dealing with issues with her from when I was a child. Nothing will ever be good enough for her. We live locally and I see her once a week (hugely grateful to have a job and children with special needs to avoid her), I ring her every two days otherwise she complains. My sibling lives abroad so I’m alone shouldering these issues. It’s exhausting.

Just another spin to this - I had a difficult relationship with my mother growing up (physical, manipulative, emotionally abusive) and a different kind of difficult with my father (over bearing, dramatic, both spat poison about each other). When I had my first DD she carried on and I just turned around one day and said I would take no more and if she wanted to carry on being who she was, fine, but it would be without us in her life. Didn't speak to her for months. She finally reached out, opened up about her own struggles (my younger DB dad was physically abusive which I knew as I was there in the home, and this she projected on to us, wrongly), this was 14 years ago and we now have a mostly brilliant relationship (there are times now and again where her manipulation can rear it's ugly head but I just say when you've come round I'm all ears and don't speak to her until she does) and her relationship with my DD's is nothing like the one I had with her. If she hadn't have reached out and made effort to change I would still be no contact with her - unfortunately we cannot choose our parents, but we can choose who we allow the privilege of being in our lives.

But she expects it...

But I have news for you. You don't have to do as you are told any more.

She might very well expect it. She will have to get used to being disappointed. It appears you can do nothing right in her eyes anyway, so what difference will it make?

And don't start feeling guilty about thinking of asserting some boundaries. When did she ever feel guilty for upsetting you?

You haven't explained how she rules your life. If it's just worrying about what she'll say etc then that's your own mind causing the issues, not her.

Hi OP, I would get therapy …a great idea. The relationship you describe is called co-dependency. It happens a lot in dysfunctional relationships. One person feels that they are somehow responsible for another persons happiness or emotions. Well, you are not. The person can sometimes feel that if they don’t obey the demanders wishes they may even cut them off or do something extreme…so the relationship and actions are based on fear and mitigation of risk. You need help weaning your mother off you and I’m warning you….it will be a bumpy but ultimately wholly worthwhile ride that ultimately gets you and possibly her some freedom. Setting boundaries are crucial. Speak to a therapist to guide gig along with this….XXXX

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