Struggling to support husband with depression

[Sadforwhatcouldhavebeen]

I feel awful about this but I just don't know what to do. My husband has been suffering from depression for ten years, (unbeknown to us). The past 18 months it's got very bad, he has withdrawn from life and also the family. Every day, any free time he has he sits and watches YouTube on the TV. A month ago he very bravely spoke to me about his issues and went to the doctor. He was put on anti depressants and referred to counselling.

Up until last month I was getting very close to telling him I wanted a divorce. This was because I didn't know the full truth about the situation and just thought he wasn't interested in us anymore. I was so relieved when he told me and I suppose I naively expected the tablets to be a quick fix.
He has been off work for a month now, and I'm a housewife so we are together 24/7. I'm finding that very smothering. Side effects were tough for him the first couple of weeks but they've gone away now.
I have seen no difference in him at all and I am really struggling with the situation. I understand that it can take a while for the tablets to take effect but I just can't deal with the situation anymore because of everything that's happened over the past ten years!! I am very proud of him for asking for help, and I feel so sorry for him, and I realise that he can't help it. But this doesn't change the damage that it has done to our marriage over the past ten years!
Every day I get up hoping to see a glimmer of change in him but there's nothing. He has spent the whole month watching the TV for the whole day, a minimum of 12 hours per day!! Just stagnating on the sofa. I'm sorry to say but I just haven't been able to stay quiet about it today . He has expected me to pussyfoot around him and make all the allowances which I have, but after so long and this very intense past month I can't keep up the facade. I've asked him today why is he still just watching TV, why won't he go outside etc but he tells me I'm getting on his case which I am. I've told him I see no improvement. I know I'm making him worse but it's so hard to live with day in, day out. I don't know what I'm asking for here, but how long will it take for me to see my kind of improvement from the tablets? He's also still waiting to speak to someone, over a month later!

Tablets aren't an instant, magical cure. He has to put the work in too and slobbing on the sofa 24/7 watching YouTube is not putting the work in.

I would give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't try and make changes and at least do something, the marriage is over. You can't just claim depression and expect everyone to pander to that and pussyfoot around you

This is what I've just said to him. That he isn't going to see a change until he stops with the TV marathons

But I'm the bad guy if I say anything and it sends him into a decline :-/

There is a degree of faking it till you make it once you work out what the problem is. As PPs have said, medication isn’t magical cure alone.

He probably is doing his best but it’s not working for you, and he needs to hear this from you.

You have agree to put some structured normality in place.

Providing he is physically able I would be very clear that I expect him to:

Keep to strict getting up and going to bed times
Actively participate in mealtimes
Take total responsibility for certain areas of housework
Go out for a short walk each day
Discuss your ‘comms’ to friends and family so that they can support you both separately and together
Participate in planning and doing a leisure activity each weekend… doesn’t have to be anything major at all
Proactively seek access to taking therapies another way / or online/telephone support

If he can’t/won’t engage in this then I think you have to question the relationship. To me, the effort to recover/change is the most important thing, with the outcome being secondary at least in the short term.

I'm afraid this will probably take a lot longer than you are hoping. The anti depressants may help but he is going to have to be an active agent in his recovery. Has his counselling started yet?- I can only imagine he might be on a lengthy waiting list. And even counselling isn't some instant cure.
He needs to focus his effort on his well being- physical, social, emotional, spiritual etc. Smaller steps at first.

You need to focus on your well being. You can't fix him and it's not your responsibility. But you can decide if you want to support him, so long as he engages with help. You can listen and acknowledge his illness/ validate his feelings- but you can only do this if you are in a good place yourself - socially, emotionally, physically. So -- go out, meet friends, keep in frequent contact with family if they are supportive, talk to them about what's going on and how it makes you feel. Go for walks. Pursue a hobby. Give him a chance. Give him some support. Take care of yourself.
And see where you are in 3 months, whether he is making some kind of effort, before you take a decision about ending your relationship.

Sometimes you can't put the work in. Depression can be so bad that you can't even get out of bed. Have some compassion.

This, unfortunately.

Being unable to function is one of the symptoms of severe depression. And telling people they aren't trying hard enough will only make them feel even more useless.

Tablets aren't magic, they'll lift the fog a bit but he has to try, nothing will change until he changes it. I didn't see any noticeable difference in my depression until I started counselling and took up a hobby. Mainly the hobby as it was something I'd always wanted but never been able to afford before so I took on an extra shift, cancelled the streaming service that I literally never used and did it and I've felt so much better. My counsellor is my biggest support but the hobby really boosts my mood and I look forward to it all week.

Look at private counselling. Even urgent NHS referrals take months and months. I waited 18 months despite being actively suicidal. He won't get anything this side of Christmas ime. They take ages and again it's not a magic bullet. He has to actually try.

but I just can't deal with the situation anymore because of everything that's happened over the past ten years!!

To an extent, it really depends on what this means and what kind of behaviour he is now retrospectively blaming on depression.

If he's just watching TV and not doing anything to get better, what is he expecting you to do as support? Put up with a continuation of 10 years of poor behaviour?

If he was that unwell he would have been referred to CMHT not IAPT.

This is what I'm struggling with and I know I sound completely selfish.
I don't feel like I have it in me to cope with the situation we are in for who knows how much longer. I am doing everything, I have to carry the load of the whole family, plus my parents and his family too, whilst he sits and watches TV. Resentment has built and its just making me angry now

I've been waiting 3 years and am told to expect another 2 year wait.

"If he was that unwell he would have been referred to CMHT not IAPT."

Not necessarily, CMHT is on its knees too and not being able to get out of bed isn't enough to warrant a referral any more 😡

Could he manage to agree one thing to do that’s helpful each day.
You need to look after yourself. Are you managing to eat and sleep ok? Getting any exercise? Getting outside at all?
I was in your husband’s position. It took a while to find the right pills. Some days I could just about manage a shower and to get dressed. I’m so much better now. It can improve.

What about what I have suggested OP?

If he can get up, put the TV on and go to the loo then he is capable of something.

I’d be looking very carefully at the effort that he is making within his capabilities.

Definitely not in my experience.

It's not something that you can fix. You can't let yourself get dragged down with him.

As much as he can't snap out of it, you also can't put all your needs to one side.

It's a horrible situation and I don't envy you.

Things have developed further now.. Says he's been having suicidal thoughts and hearing voices. He had told the mental health person he spoke to and she said she will refer his case to "the committee" who meet every 2 weeks to decide next steps. Whatever that means. I've always thought there was more to this and now I'm positive.

Antidepressants take months to start working. Sometimes there isn't much the person can do to "help themselves ". He might be better off getting rid of you tbh if you can't be supportive, sounds like you're bringing him down.

@Peoniesandcream thanks for the supportive comment lol. When something has worn you down for over a decade and your supporting an entire family, it becomes hard after a while

Well you don't seem to have much of an understanding about depression. Maybe go to a therapy/ counselling group together? If you want to stay together. Just seems a lot of people are quick to jump ship when their partner has a mental health problem, because of lack of understanding/ not being able to cope. But usually deal with it differently when it's something like cancer...

How are you doing OP? Has there been any improvement with your DH? Hope you're OK xx