Can anyone help me understand why I feel so anxious?

[resistingreality]

Hi all. I have done something that I found quite big and scary for work (I think I can say what it was without being too outing - it was publishing a book). Writing it made me very anxious and very exposed as I thought it might be rubbish but having done it, it has got much better feedback than I expected really. Which is great. But having got through the main stuff around launching it (seminars, PR, that kind of thing) I find myself more anxious than I have ever been in my life. I don't know why! I do tend to be quite hard on myself and though logically I can see I have done OK - decent reviews, some nice comments - I seem to have this sense that I have not done enough, or that I'm going to be found out or that I can't believe what people are saying ... I don't know! My head tells me I should feel relaxed that it's done and it's gone OK but in fact I feel awful! Almost like I'm slightly losing it! Help! What's going on?!

I think this is the kind of thing it’s really beneficial to speak to a therapist about. You could explore what success and failure feel like to you, what it’s like if you perceive criticism vs if you receive it, what praise is like for you etc.

You could think about what happens when you experience strong emotions and whether you feel you shouldn’t (ie I can’t feel nervous about this, I shouldn’t feel angry about this) and who your enough needs to be enough for.

Yes I think you're right @PandaOrLion Thank you for responding. I think it's something about success and failure and 'enough-ness.' I have achieved a small-ish success but now I am comparing myself against colleagues and peers who have had much more success and I feel like an abject failure. I know logically that almost nothing I achieve prevents me feeling like a failure (not that I have achieved very much). But I can't seem to shake the feeling. And today I feel quite desperate.

You're in good company - Maya Angelou, Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks, Nicola Sturgeon and many others have identified as having imposter syndrome!

Have a look at this article;

www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake I guess this is imposter syndrome in one sense, but it's also a feeling that having tried so hard at something it's still not enough. Is that imposter syndrome? I'm not sure! I just feel like such a bloody failure especially because people I might have considered my peers seem to be so much more successful than me. Today I am feeling pessimistic about ever feeling anything else. Grrr. I know I feel very self-pitying which is also not good.

It might be that you are feeling ‘Imposter Syndrome’ - that you feel that you aren’t quite good enough, or you fear that one day you will be found out (as you said yourself). You’ve probably heard of it but if not it’s pretty darn common especially in women. Google it if you’ve not heard of Imposter Syndrome’ So common it’s got a name now. My daughter and her friends have talked about it frequently, she told me. She often felt that way. As she gets older she gains more confidence.

At any rate, I think the other poster is right, see a therapist or other type of counselling and sort it out. It’s shitty worrying about not being up to a job when in reality you’ve proved you can do good work - reinforced by the positive feedback you received.

Don’t compare yourselves to others. No point. And our perceptions about others is often incorrect. You’d be surprised at the self doubt that many of them would admit to, if they could own up to feeling that way.

Also we all grow into careers and sometimes you will level off, sometimes make a sideways move, but chances are you’ll continue to climb the ladder sooner or later.

Last thing, achieving something that you’ve found to be a challenge can leave you a bit hyped up. Those anxiety chemicals - Adrenalin etc - become activated, and sometimes they settle straight away after the the task is completed, or sometimes they hang around for a while. Therapy is good to learn how to deal with this.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a hug or get someone you love to give you a hug, you deserve it. Plus a firm hug also calms the body.

Bingo. Eyes wide open:)

people I might have considered my peers seem to be so much more successful than me And I would put money on them feeling exactly the same way! The best way to help yourself is to talk about it - not in a 'digging for compliments' fashion (not that you would!) but to ask those peers if they have self doubts sometimes and how they cope with them.

Everybody (with the possible exception of Trump and the like) lies awake at night, worrying about something. Maybe you can give, and receive, words of comfort.

If you are peri menopause age, that won’t help.

Thank you so much everybody. It's reassuring to hear this. I think I work in a sector which drives these feelings of never being good enough and attracts people to it who are already predisposed towards feeling that way (like me)! And I definitely agree there's something about that adrenalin - it almost feels like a massive anti-climax in a way. I think therapy would be a good idea, just so expensive, it feels hard to justify right now.

Maybe there’s public therapy, work counsellor or psychologist, that you can access under a health scheme? In Australia we can get a number of subsidised appointments (sometimes cost free) with a psychologist. As long as our GP writes out a health plan (forget what it’s called).
Perhaps where you are might have something similar? Best of wishes.

also a feeling that having tried so hard at something it's still not enough. Is that imposter syndrome?

Yes. Textbook. That feeling of never being enough never goes away imo but with work and support you can turn down the volume so it has less power. You can also recognise it and name it, 'they is my impostor syndrome voice doing it's thing again' can be a kinder thought for yourself than 'oh, no, what else should I be doing'.

And wine. In moderation. 😀

Thanks @finallyhere. One thing I find confusing is that if I have a small achievement, I DO feel better. I mean, thinking about my book, I feel terrible today, but I am sure I would feel a lot worse if everybody had hated it. 😀I think that leads me to believe that if I could only have many more small (or large) achievements, I would feel great! Logically I know that a sense of achievement doesn't always last very long before I revert to not feeling enough. But I also believe 'success' IS preferable to 'failure' (while also being aware that one can lead to another). Does any of that make sense? I am looking forward to wine but probably need to wait until 6pm for decency's sake.

Oh, another antidote that I have found to be very powerful, is to be brave enough to share these feelings, first with very friends (and strangers on MN) and increasingly with others in your field.

If you can put yourself out there, not to show yourself as anxious, just matter of factly mention that of couse, you have those feelings of never being good enough, you will be pleasantly surprise by quite how universal they are.

I thought at first that they were just me, then just my close confident then women I am close to them on a management development course I discovered that almost everyone has 'em. The more confident seeming, the more likely to have that voice in the head whispering or screaming 'not quite good enough'.

Interesting that you are more comfortable with smaller victories.

The fact remains that you are absolutely enough. You are exactly right as you are at this moment. I'm not religious but I do think it's true that we should 'consider the lilies of the field that toil not, neither do they spin. They just get on with being

You can also grow and develop which can be uncomfortable. You don't need to do so but are free to, if you so choose.

You are absolutely enough, just as you are.