Why am I so sensitive to criticism

[WizardOfUK]

It drives me mad, if anyone gives me anything apart from good feedback, I'm so sensitive over it, I'll ruminate and stress over it. I worry I'm not good enough, or people think bad of me, I feel judged and it'll take days, sometimes weeks to feel better. It also means I'm an absolute perfectionist, at work if i make a mistake I'll be mortified and worry about it, it means anytime I do anything that's really visible, I'll be really worried in case I get just the tiniest bit wrong.

It's also in my hobbies too, if anyone moans or grumbles at me I'll get really worried. I love horses and part loan a horse. The owner can be a bit abrupt, and isn't backwards in coming forwards if she feels you're doing something she doesn't agree with. If she picks me up on anything, or tells me I'm doing something wrong, I'll get that horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach for weeks, every time I go to see the horse. I know she'll have forgotten about it once it's said, and when I analyse it, it's simply her doing what's best for her horse and she's just giving advice at the end of the day (although she can be a bit prickly at times). It's awful and can ruin the lovely things I do with the horse. I often feel it's not worth doing the hobby as I don't want to feel so awful if something negative is said.

I feel exactly the same as you. It's awful. Would love to know if anyone had ideas how to help stop this behaviour

We’re you criticised heavily during your upbringing?

Have a look at this at this article on Core Beliefs - I think it will resonate with you;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

Eyes just posted an article beautifully articulating what I was going to post. To counteract them, once you have identified them, is to look for evidence to the contrary. For eg IF your core belief is "I have to never make a mistake in order to be accepted" then think about times you did make a mistake (we all do!!) Then how did others react? My guess is the fear around what they think of you is in YOUR head.

Another technique is to switch it. So, for example the horse woman. If you were her and she you, what would you think?? My guess is you would be much kinder to "you" if that makes sense.

Also, look for ways to be kind to you and note when you have achieved something (however small) and feel proud. Went to the stables feeling anxious? WOW that's amazing.

These core beliefs can be changed.

My core belief has always been that the things people say to me that are negative are mostly the responsibility of that person and the mood they are in in that moment. It’s not that I think I do nothing that merits criticism, I certainly do. But I am well capable of criticising myself when it’s merited. I don’t beat myself up but recognise I could have done something better and will try another way next time.

But my point is, I’ve never felt anyone else holds those strings. And usually when someone has been hard on me, it’s been about them and not me.

@crossstitchingnana Another technique is to switch it. So, for example the horse woman. If you were her and she you, what would you think?? My guess is you would be much kinder to "you" if that makes sense

Exactly this, I would have been much kinder in my text to her if roles reversed, but I often wonder if that's back to not wanting to upset someone, rather than being 'kind' but I agree, there's no way in this Earth I'd have phrased it as she did.

I also know most of it is in my head.

I'm due to go back to the yard today, but I'm totally winding myself up as I have to ask her for a favour, and I'm sat thinking it won't go down well as she was annoyed with me last time.. which is bonkers as she wasn't annoyed, just giving me her opinion., but I just can't shake that feeling.

@ElectedOnThursday my relationship with my parents has always been complicated, Mum never seemed to like having kids but my Dad was amazing. Looking back Dad = Disney Dad, but authoritarian, Mum = probably struggling to keep the wheels on. When I look back they actually didn't take too much notice of me, and mainly left me to my own devices. Certainly as a teen anyway. It's been that long I can hardly remember

Your feelings are yours and hers are hers. IF she is annoyed then it's her shit. You are asking she can say no. You are important too.

my relationship with my parents has always been complicated, Mum never seemed to like having kids but my Dad was amazing. Looking back Dad = Disney Dad, but authoritarian, Mum = probably struggling to keep the wheels on. When I look back they actually didn't take too much notice of me, and mainly left me to my own devices.

I'm sensitive to criticism too, and this paragraph really leapt out at me because my parents were very similar characters.

I'm almost certain it goes back to childhood. As a child, I was disproportionately punished by my mother (and dad too, on occasion) for relatively minor infractions. Example — aged four, I knocked over a plant pot in the garden once, and my mother stopped speaking to me for a week. (I didn't even break it!)

This kind of thing happened a few times, and led to me feeling terrified of 'getting it wrong' most of the time. And a telling-off would often lead to a punishment, and the cold-shoulder treatment from my mother.

I think what happens is you become accustomed to thinking 'I am bad' rather than 'that was bad' and you internalise this concept of being a bad person. And so criticism, even when it's adult and constructive, takes you right back to being that vulnerable, frightened four-year-old again.

"And so criticism, even when it's adult and constructive, takes you right back to being that vulnerable, frightened four-year-old"

This is spot on, it's called "rubberbanding". If you find yourself feeling young then it belongs in the past. You, today are an adult and are ok.

@NightmareSlashDelightful that sounds awful, what a terrible thing to do to you at any age, let alone a 4yr old

I'm going to print both of these out and stick on the wall, it's so helpful

I think what happens is you become accustomed to thinking 'I am bad' rather than 'that was bad'

Your feelings are yours and hers are hers. IF she is annoyed then it's her shit. You are asking she can say no. You are important too