I wasn’t sure where to post this but I’m hoping someone can relate or offer some advice about what the issue is.
for as long as I can remember I pull away and isolate myself suddenly, not always with a trigger but more often than not it’s because something minor has upset me. Dp could do something I don’t like that I haven’t even voiced and I’ll turn, it’ll ruin the day and I’ll be replaying it constantly. Similar to giving someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment I’ll blank him, but I have no control over it nor do it maliciously.
I will suddenly feel down and not want to speak, I’ll disappear quietly as the lone time gives my brain a chance to just stop. I’m always overwhelmed by people and remembering too much at once and being swamped by jobs and tasks to do. If I’m harassed by dc or dp or any one for that matter, I’ll go into a mood and ignore them. I hate that I do it but I can’t make it stop. I feel no happiness or desire to be around them or anyone. Sometimes I bounce back quickly other times it can take days. I can be very rude and intimidating. Usually I’m nothing like this, I’m actually a very friendly non confrontational person, but during these episodes I feel like I can take on anything just to protect my down time.
I prefer to be alone and have silence, I don’t like my job as I have to be in a large team when I prefer to be alone, if people want to visit I’m already angry before they arrive because they’ve upset my balance, if I don’t get my lone time it makes my episodes worse. I think there might be a pattern with my hormones as it’s worse leading up to ovulation. If it was leading up to my period I’d assume typical angry hormones. Sometimes I’ll just cry the entire time others I’ll be angry and wish I could run away.
I’ve researched as much as I can, and consider it could be caused by my abusive childhood. I have ptsd anyway and wonder if it could be manic depression, bi polar, adhd, autism, even menopause, but I know without a doctor I can’t be sure. I’ve been like this all my teen and adult life. Had a life time of maladaptive daydreaming and anxiety.
if I’m lucky I wake up the next day like it never happened, I’m not always aware I’m in the middle of it until dp points it out and I bite his head off. Does anyone recognise any of this towards a specific illness?
I’m nervous about reaching out and being diagnosed with anything. We’ve been trying for another baby for years and it feels like I’m being punished and I don’t deserve another child. If I’m medicated or diagnosed with something serious I know realistically another child would be off the cards and I just can’t process that. I’d appreciate any help.