Childhood trauma and MH

[CreatingHavoc]

I've recently realised that a lot of my mental health issues stem from living in an unpredictable and abusive household when I was younger. I was never beaten but my step father was an alcoholic and there was violence, things getting smashed up etc, between him and my mum. I had to lock me and my younger brother and sister in the bathroom on occasion to escape it.

My step father would get so drunk he didn't know what he was doing. He got in bed with me once and I had to push him out on to the floor. He would also walk in on me when I was in the bath by unlocking the door from the outside (when he was sober) and did the same to my friend when she stayed over and had a bath. I was probably between 11-14 at the time these things happened. I started spending less and less time at home as I got older and would stay over at my friend's as much as humanly possible. He and my mum got divorced eventually when I was about 17.

For some reason my brain had normalised/minimised the abusive and disturbing behaviour of my parents for many years and now suddenly the reality has come crashing down on me and I'm struggling with it. For most of my life I have had low self esteem, anxiety, problems with guilt, struggle to make decisions and have terrible boundaries in my own relationships, some of which have been abusive. I'm awaiting therapy and have a telephone assessment next week. It's a lot to process. I don't really know why I'm posting here but I guess I just need to hear from others who understand.

I am really sorry to hear this Havoc. I have Cptsd as a result of my childhood and it permeates every aspect of my life, all of the things you describe I experience although I have been incredibly lucky to find a loving and supportive DH. The waiting list for therapy on the NHS is very long and you will probably require EMDR and trauma focused CBT rather than normal counselling/CBT. Are you able to go private at all? I have just started working on EMDR and I am hopeful it will really help.

I'm sorry you went through that OP. It sounds like there is a lot you need to process from an adult perspective on what happened to you. Counselling or talking therapy can be a good place to start before looking at CBT/EMDR, so you can work through your thoughts and emotions.

You're doing the right thing in looking for support. I wish you well.

Thanks for replies. I suspect I may have cptsd as well. I had an IAPT assessment a couple of months ago and have been told 3-6 months for cbt. So I've been in touch with a low cost place who are calling me next week. But if they also have a long wait I also emailed I lovely sounding therapist who may be able to negotiate cheaper prices. So fingers crossed something will come through soon.

Yes, trauma has this funny thing of catching up with you when you don't deal with it. I had trauma-focused therapy and it was really helpful. All the best to you OP. Therapy is hard but very well worth it.

sorry to read this op. Childhood trauma is the gift that seems to keep on giving. However you can heal from it. Would you say you’re in a place of safety and stability now? Part of your work will be to have safety now, then unveil the abuse and put it squarely in the lap of the people who caused it and extricate yourself from the blame. Then you can rediscover the world away from the shadow of the abuse and discover what you really like in life and make a life that’s about you. I would recommend a cbt for dummies book whilst you await someone to talk you. You’ll get there.

@Wakemeup17 yes, it's bizarre that's its taken 20 odd years for me to figure out why I have these problems. Strangely enough I think the realisation came when my mum wasn't very nice to my daughter and I confronted her about it. My mum was and still is hyper critical of me, my children and most other people for some reason, which has also had a negative effect on me. I've taken a step back from her now as I don't think her negativity helps me. Not no contact but less contact.

@Endpress I'm a single parent now but I still have some contact with my mum. Still a bit enmeshed with my most recent ex (my daughters dad) but he has his own terrible childhood experiences too sadly.

I was messed up by my abusive childhood.

I've probably never not been at least mildly depressed since I was in primary school.

CPTSD is the 'diagnosis' I feel fits but I've never had formal support.

I've had counselling (cbt) for other things but they never want to go near my childhood.

Have you considered hypnosis (or mind coaching if the word hypnosis gives you the heebie-jeebies!)? It can be excellent at allowing the mind to lay to rest the conundrums it's been trying to work out since your childhood. If you are interested, have a look at my AMA.

@caroleanboneparte yes, I've found this with cbt in the past, it almost just seems like a coping mechanism and not actually dealing with the problems. I'm hoping to get more trauma focused counselling but I'm having to go private (hopefully fairly low cost though).