Depressed teenager - how much should I be informed?

[Strumpetpumpet]

Hi sorry if this is in the wrong place, just after a bit of advice from anyone with experience.

Our dd was diagnosed with anxiety and depression last year when she was 16. She went to the GP herself, didn’t want me there, which is fine and tbh I was just pleased she was prepared to speak to someone about it, as she won’t talk to me or her dad about it at all.

GP prescribed her anti depressants (fluoxetine) and we paid for her to have some cbt. Then in June, She took an overdose at school, after which she was seen by camhs and is now seeing the GP weekly, camhs weekly and a psychiatrist every 6 weeks. She’s in yr 13 at school and is heading for disastrous A level results as she just doesn’t care, totally understandable and school are really supportive of her but they don’t communicate with us either.

As she is 17, we aren’t involved or informed about any of her treatment, appointments, medication etc and I’m really struggling with it all, as I just don’t know what we are supposed to do/not do or say/not say. Whilst I’m really glad she’s getting support, I can’t help thinking we should get a bit of information or support as parents, if only to prevent us making things worse for her. Would just be interested to know if anyone has been in our position and how you coped?

thanks x

This is a hard one. I completely get where you are coming from, but once she hits 18 it would stop regardless.

I have been that teen, I have suffered depression since early teens and I didn't share anything at all with my parents back then. Nor would I have sought help if they did. My parents were approachable but I didn't want it shared with them. So I see that side.

On the other side, I'm now mother to a daughter myself. Admittedly she is only 3 right now, but I fear she will suffer mental health issues herself through me. And I would want to know all the medical information I could to help her, as you say. I think it would just be a case of continuing to let her know you're there and hopefully through time she will share. I know it's hard though, knowing both what it's like to be that person and a mother. Wishing you the best x

Thank you so much for replying and for your advice. It’s really hard to know what to do. It feels like we’re letting her get away with all sorts just because we’re terrified of making her feel worse. Xx

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it's an all too common problem but one that makes a parent feel very alone.
If you use Facebook at all please join a private group called Parenting Mental Health. It is an absolute lifeline of support and advice from other parents going through the same thing (in excess of 30K ) There's no judgement whatsoever and you can post anonymously if you like.

I don't think that's helpful. Having no boundaries won't make anyone with depression/anxiety feel better or get better. If anything that just sounds like a cause of stress - we all need the certainty of boundaries.

For instance, CBT only works if the person consistently puts in work to implement strategies. One of those would be to force oneself to do helpful activities even when lacking motivation. CBT is ineffective if all the person does is turn up for a few chats.

Her psychiatrist and co will all have boundaries and expectations that they hold her to. They won't be there letting the unacceptable slide just because she is a patient.

You shouldn't be either. That doesn't mean haranguing her for mistakes, but it does mean clearly setting out expectations and holding her accountable.

It's understandable to struggle with her a-levels, to take up support to learn strategies that help, to implement these strategies, to seek accommodations in terms of study support or examination arrangements, etc. It's not understandable to simply put no effort in.

What's been implemented since the CBT?

It is a worrying & difficult situation but you'll push her further away if you try to get involved against her wishes.

I had MH issues as a teen & my parents were actually the cause so I had no-one to talk to about it at all. Sometimes all I needed was a hug & someone to tell me they understood it was shit & that they loved me. You're obviously a caring parent so just continue to be there for her, don't pressure her to talk. Let her know you love her regardless & will be there always no matter what & she can ask anything of you. Hug her - many times a day, if she resists at first just a gentle caring touch on the cheek can get through. Notice & comment on positive stuff - not in a oh wow aren't you amazing way but just casually in passing. She may open up in time if there's no expectation to, if she doesn't you need to be accept that.

If possible I think you need to access some MH support for yourself. That way you can talk through your worries over how to deal with her situation & get some professional advice on strategies you can use to support your DD. If you can afford it go private as there'll be a long wait.

Thanks so much for all your advice, it’s much appreciated xx

Are there any positive updates a few years on?

thanks for asking. She is much better, she just about passed A levels in the end but chose not to go to uni which I think was the right decision for her for now . She’s working full time doing an electrical engineering apprenticeship and seems to be doing well at work, she has a decent social life and some lovely friends and has just bought her first car which is her pride and joy 🤩 She’s off all meds which I was a bit worried about but seems to be ok so far. Shes not her old happy smiley self and I don’t know if she ever will be, but she’s alive and well and that’s all we could have hoped for xx

That’s so great to hear. I’m in the thick of it with my DS 14 just been diagnosed ADHD and very low/anxious. Keep mining old threads to get hope.

Aw I’m so sorry to hear that 💕 it is so hard seeing them struggle. Sending hugs and hoping things get better soon for you and your DS xx