Parenting after C-PTSD/childhood trauma

[theescapeladder]

I am a FT/SAHM, my DS is 14 months old.

I was growing up in a violent, volatile household with an alcoholic father and narcissistic mother. Both of my parents were emotionally immature/unavailable/self-absorbed, there was daily yelling and violence, suicide attempts and utter chaos and misery. After my parents finally divorced my mother was the one perpetuating abuse (emotional, psychological, physical) towards me.

In adult life I struggled with the aftermath, and I still do. One of my biggest challenges is emotional regulation, I can get quite overwhelmed at times.

After many years of my share of toxic relationships and addiction, followed by self-healing/therapy and building a healthy/happy relationship with my DH I finally felt strong enough to become a parent myself.

We have a wonderful, smart, beautiful boy... but he is also quite intense and I find myself badly triggered by his incessant screaming. I fight and fight this reaction but sometimes, probably once a month, end up reverting to myself crying/screaming/begging him to stop. I feel dreadful afterwards and it makes me low for days. I worry that considering my baggage I should not have become a parent, that I'm a bad mum, that I am not able to stay calm when faced with my toddler's tantrums and that I will pass my emotional disregulation on to him.

Anybody with similar background could relate or offer advice?
In particular I'm after a therapist specialising in C-PTSD and parenting after childhood abuse, I would be grateful if someone could point me in the right direction.
Thank you.

Thank you so very much @NotNormal78 for reaching out and your kind words. Sorry to hear about your experience, it's great you managed to finally turn things around. It means a lot to know that there are others like me who are trying and succeeding to overcome their unhappy childhoods. I have an awesome and supportive husband too, but coming from a seemingly perfect home he just doesn't understand how one can be trapped in the trauma of a dysfunctional family for decades.

Yes you're right, a lot of it is perceiving oneself as not good enough or inherently broken. I always seem to be patient and forgiving with everyone else but me. And I keep telling myself that I am just trying my best and that I'm a good loving mama even when I feel like the worst mother in the world. At least I'm aware of my faults and always apologise to my little one for getting upset. My parents never felt guilty or sorry for their actions, ever. That was and is possibly the most hurtful part of it all.

So here we are, trying to heal and do our best to be safe and happy and make our loved ones feel safe and happy too. Here's to that!