borderline personality disorder in childhood

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My mother in law has BPD and we have always struggled with DD for difficult behaviour. Tantrums that are really out of norm. Screaming, so much screaming. She has sensory issues so a lot of that can he explained by those. However she’s daily threatening with killing herself and tries to hurt herself in many ways, she has been hurting herself since she was a baby. It started at 9months old with head banging for no reason, and hasn’t stopped. She pulls her hair, bites her fingers, tries to hurt her ankles on the stairs, goes to the kitchen to get a knife, hits herself, tells us to hurt her… if I can’t do what she wants me to she will say I don’t love her anymore and she’s very worried I would go away, it’s her worst fear.

this is daily, it will come from the smallest thing. Usually if I can’t give her attention in that moment or need to for example put her sister to bed, or I tell her to be gentle with her sister.

i have taken her to doctors but nobody is concerned because when they meet her she is a beautiful, charming little girl who does well in school. These problems are only at home. I am actually worried she will hurt herself. She has tried to pull herself underneath a car previously.

does anyone here suffer with BPD and recognise this as a possible sign? Also how to get in the UK for a child? We are going private but still find it hard.

She also gets worried her friends don’t like her anymore for the smallest things, for example if they are just tired and are looking a bit funny. She will start crying that they don’t want to be her friends anymore.

she’s 5.

You think a 5 year old has BPD?! Do you not think autism or something like that is more likely the cause?

The SEN board is where you'll probably find the best advice on here.

Hello.

Can I ask how old your DD is?

I was diagnosed with BPD at age 20, it’s usually only ever diagnosed in late teens/early adulthood in the UK. Although I’ve read research about it being hereditary, there’s not a lot on it. It’s usually developed through childhood trauma, which is why it’s diagnosed later in life. Sadly there is also no treatment or medication specifically for BPD and it is very stigmatised.

In saying this, remission/recovery is possible through DBT therapy. If you would like I can say more on it, just let me know.

Could it be that she has autism or adhd? It would be uncommon for a child or definitely a baby to show symptoms of BPD, again all the symptoms show in teenage years/early adulthood.

Sorry you’re in such a difficult situation.
xx

Sorry OP, I’ve only just read your DD is 5. I really really don’t think it’s possible for a 5 year old to show signs or symptoms of BPD. Definitely push for more answers.

Yeah bpd seems like a very unlikely, massive leap for a 5 year old. I would be looking more at asd. Have you spoken to professionals about her issues?

You won't get a bpd diagnosis for a child that young. Recent best practice is not to even diagnose in early adulthood because the brain is still changing so much.

I second this, not to mention it is very over diagnosed in young women.

Autistic women are often wrongly diagnosed as having BPD.

Children are not diagnosed with personality disorder. This makes sense as they are still forming their personalities, and it isn't appropriate or helpful to assign these kind of diagnoses.
I would second other posters and wonder about autistic traits or ADHD.
It may also be a positive sign that she is doing well / difficulties not causing problems at school.
Does sound hard for you as a mum 💐

I was misdiagnosed with BPD (and some other things) and honestly in my experience it’s a vastly overused diagnosis and most women given the label are actually neurodivergent. I would consider looking into autism for your daughter

Agree with PP that 5 is too young for a BPD diagnosis, but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be concerned that your daughter may be more genetically inclined towards poor mental health if her grandmother has BPD.
FWIW I was diagnosed with BPD as an adult but when I look back at my (pretty nice, non-traumatic) childhood, my mental health was already a little out of whack in primary school. We also have a family history of assorted mental health issues. (I realise one anecdote doesn't make for a robust evidence base so my experience may be totally irrelevant to yours/your daughter's.)
If she presents very well at the GPs etc, is there a way you could discreetly record her (audio or video) when she is acting in the ways you describe in your OP? Not if it interferes with your ability to care for her in the moment of course, but if you have a partner and one of you could leave a phone sat on the side recording the audio while the other attends to your daughter or something?

I would be looking at an autism assessment- masking at school can be common

It’s my understanding (could be wrong) that BPD is usually diagnosed in adulthood and is very closely linked with childhood trauma. Your daughters behaviour sounds very concerning and it is also concerning, has she experienced trauma?

Half a sentence in there that shouldn’t be

Lots of Autistic women are misdiagnosed with BPD. I’d look into that, personally.

Exactly this... Im a professional in the mental health field and definitely agree with this.. Shes far too young, it's best to get SEN involved look at ADHD/Autism and look at ways to help manage distress, shes clearly finding it difficult to manage/tolerate distressing emotions.. All the best OP

Can you film an episode on your phone to show the health care professionals? This might kick start help and early intervention for you. Please speak to your GP and school SENCO with your concerns.

I would be very wary of conflating adult BPD with anything a child does because part of the issue with BPD is they react to complex adult situations as strongly and as viscerally as a child would. From what you’ve described can you look up the AQ10 online, fill it out for her and take to GP and ask for a referral. The other possibility aside from neurodivergence is she has learned this from somewhere and thinks this is how you behave and react to things (which at this age means it can be unlearned). Did MIL do a lot of childcare for you?

Thanks for all your replies.

I do think she could have autism, and we have previously been told she would have autistic traits but perhaps not autism as she does so well socially. She has lots of friends at school and other children are very drawn to her. She doesn’t always answer them though, for example if they walk past and say hello. And the new friendships are usually formed as other children approach her, but everywhere we go children come to get her to play with them.

we go through periods where it is more difficult and when it’s easier. Atm it’s very hard and I think it could be because she’s going through lots of changes, new school year, moved up in her swimming, started a new hobby (which she loves, but it’s always a meltdown before going in), i have started working. She always struggles more with changes, which would link to autism.

she hasn’t had any trauma, on the contrary she is quite blessed to have a really good life.

BTW I have ADHD and was misdiagnosed with bipolar and borderline in the past, it can be really hard for professionals to spot the difference but what jumps out at me is her extreme reactions in your examples are often to rejections. In ADHD there is an aspect called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which can make you suicidal over perceived, anticipated or actual rejection.

We lived very far from them until a year ago so they would only see her once a year. In the last year more, but they don’t really help with childcare. There’s been issues which have made me think MIL is not fit to look after her (lost her at the park for ex) so I am happy with them spending time with her but not looking after her.

There's no such thing as BPD in children.

Thank you, that is very interesting.

Middle DD is like the Pied Piper with other children, they like her very much. The feeling isn’t mutual, though She is Dx ASD/ADHD.

I think this has been the reason why they don’t go further with the referral. At school they have also said she forms a very intense friendship with one child and struggles to play with other children outside that friendship. So for ex another child will want to also play with her and she struggles with playing all 3, she can only cope playing with one child which makes the third child upset being left out. So it’s easy to think she doesn’t have problems socially, as lots of kids are so drawn to her and want to be her friends, but looking more closely she does struggle socially.