Just realised never been happy in my adult life

[BeautifulElephant]

I'm 37 have two kids. About to break up with husband because we can't connect properly. He instigated the break up.
My parents moved abroad when I was 19 years old.

I love my job. I don't enjoy my toddler as he's so full on. I'm lonely as husband doesn't like spending time with me. I have lots of friends but not enough to see them all the time. I really struggle with spending time either on my own or with the kids.

I don't think I've ever been happy as an adult. I'm very sensitive. I cry at least once a week. More recently due to pending break up.

I can't believe that my parents moving abroad could account for me not being happy. But I'm thinking maybe that would explain why I struggle to be on my own. Not sure.

I've been having suicidal thoughts that I know I wouldn't act on but I'm reluctant to go on antidepressants because I think I will have a harder time in a year when we actually break up so don't want to go on them now.

Any support appreciated.

Just start taking the AD's now as you are not happy/well.

It takes about a month for them to work.
You can move to a higher dose later if you need to.

Please do contact your GP urgently or ring 111.

@VestPantsandSocks thanks for your concern but I have no plans to end my life. This is not urgent. I've just realised I've been unhappy for almost the last 20 years

Please go to see your GP. Take the meds, they do help. And access some talking therapy. I was sceptical re therapy but it really, really help process the past.

And take care of yourself, don’t hinge your happiness on other people. True happiness and being comfortable with yourself has to come from you. Corny but true.

Be kind to yourself, make appointments with yourself to do something nice, a bath, a walk, even tidying round!

Feel free to PM me if you want to, always happy to chat 💐

Thanks @Shallysally. I'm having fortnightly counselling at the mo, it helps a bit.

Once a week I go to yoga. I might take you up on your offer of a PM, thank you

sorry You’re feeling like this OP it does sound like the move your parents made have caused, understandable issues for you which might impact the closeness with your friends and response to your partner leaving.

could counselling be an option? Just to help you explore some of this and then you can make a decision on ADs? It can be life changing with strategies for managing sensitivity and finding happiness.

when was the last time you were happy? Whatever it was can you reinvigorate it in your life now?

what could be the pluses for you of your partner leaving?

Thanks @TinyKittenPaw I'm seeing a counselor. I feel content when I'm working. I feel awful when I'm not.

I was quite happy when I lived in a house share after uni as I was never home alone.

The plus to my partner leaving is that hopefully I won't feel rejected everytime he doesn't spend time with me....which is a lot. He spends 2 nights a week seeing friends and 1 night doing a hobby. At the weekend he normally works on Sunday and Saturday is filled with clubs for the kids. I guess I will feel ultimate rejection when we actually split and then hopefully I'll get over it....but will I? Because I didn't get over my parents leaving. I'm not even close to my parents because they have very different values to me so I can't be myself around them.

I’m glad that therapy is helping a little.
Please do, don’t feel like you are alone.

Its great that you’re having counselling. From your answers it seems a bit like the main downside of your partner leaving is being alone and the happiness is liked to being with people all the time.

I don’t think you need to behave been close too your parents to feel a bit abandoned by them leaving. Maybe in the space you have with your partner leaving, you could find some groups and hobbies and build up a bigger network of friends. That way when you meet someone new you can really enjoy being with them and so they are an addition rather than a an essential to stop you feeling alone? Hopefully the counselling can help you find some peace in your own company so you can choose great relationships that enrich what you have. There is nothing worse than feeling at the mercy of others around you for your contentment or happiness!

it seems a bit like the main downside of your partner leaving is being alone

Yes that's exactly right. I know he'll still play an active role in the kids life and he'd still be up for family days out with me included but it's the being in the house on my own with the kids that I'll struggle with. I feel really pathetic saying that.

Even now I struggle when he goes out and I don't tell him because I take ownership of my feelings...I don't think they are proportionate to the situation.

Hi OP, have you ever considered that you might have some traits of a condition called Quiet BPD or EUPD? . A fear of abandonment and splitting on loved ones is a very common symptom. It is quiet common for BPD to emerge in early adulthood. Even if you don’t have the diagnosis and just read about it and recognise some traits in yourself, DBT therapy is really effective. There are workbooks etc that you can buy on Amazon to help yourself. DBT therapy is useful for anyone who struggles with symptoms of emotional disregulation. It is a spectrum disorder, can be outwardly well masked by people and many people with BPD have very functional lives.
There are also courses for family, these can be very effective in helping family to feel more regulated ….mainly through using techniques Of validation. If you want to DM me, feel free. I’m part of a large digital community of family members of people with emotional sensitivity. We aim to support people to have a happier life! 😊

Thanks @Lotusmonster I had never considered that before. I'll look into it.