Attachment - feeling sad and odd

[Misterno]

Last week, my wonderful therapist who I trust suggested that I might have an insecure attachment style (anxious) and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know a little about attachment theory, and always assumed I was “securely attached”, and have previously done some quizzes.

I was talking about it with DH as I said “I think our relationship is normal. It’s not dysfunctional. So I must have a secure attachment style.” And he said (before admitting he knows nothing about attachment theory): “I think our relationship is a little dysfunctional actually. Out of the blue sometimes you act like I’m not on your side.”

I don’t know why it’s upsetting me so much. It’s like I am looking back at the past in a different way. My childhood, my relationships.

Can you ever learn to be securely attached?

I always thought I just had high anxiety. And I assumed that if I did more meditating / yoga / all the other stuff, I’d be ok and “fix” myself.

Anyone got any advice? Anyone else with an anxious attachment style?

I would take this back to therapy OP. You trust your therapist so talk it through there. I would say that something must be resonating for you to be carrying it around with you. I wonder if it's the connection between your current anxiety and your past family attachment relationships. Therapy is a great place to be reparented and then learn to parent yourself. The anxious child within may not go away but she will have a firm base (you) to rely on. I don't think we can fix it away unfortunately, I think acceptance is powerful though.

Thank you, coffee! I will do as you say and take it back to therapy. I think it’s disturbing me because I had always assumed - despite the problems later on - that I had been securely attached when I was a baby / toddler at least. It’s made me feel so sad to think otherwise.

Can you start out one way (secure) and then become another (anxious) because of life circumstances?

Yes absolutely it's a highly complex process, one which I know I won't do justice to in this post so I think having a conversation face to face and also reading about attachment may help you. It's very hard to accept that our parents may have had aspects of themselves that blocked their capacity to be fully present and emotionally available (the things which we need to attachment when we are children) as this inevitably brings up feelings of guilt and betrayal for most of us. But in order to grow psychologically I believe it's necessary to try and face the truth and accept. Because only then can you really understand where you anxiety may stem from. Also yes absolutely you could have been securely attached and then due to circumstances that attachment didn't feel as secure to you for some reason which is possibly why you are asking the question. We are complex beings and for most of us we are shaped over time by relationships, events and circumstances of childhood. Therapy can help you find what is true for you. So try and let down your guard with your therapist if you can and find your way through. Good luck!