I hate myself - having invasive thoughts

[jaysusmickeyandjoseph]

In short:
Complete nervous breakdown in 2021.
Take anti depressants and had therapy for years.
Diagnosed with anxiety and post traumatic stress due to things that happened to me in my job
Much better for a very long time.
Very happy and started a new career.
BUT
recently feel exhausted.
Hate myself, I think I have unresolved issues I thought were better but obviously aren't.
I have issues with overeating and drinking too much alcohol because I'm sad
Can't say no at work so I'm totally overworked and stressed
Constantly have intrusive thoughts like, I wish I could be really I'll so life could stop and it would give me a reason to stop overeating and stop drinking. Driving today and wondered what would happen if I let my car just drift.
Really worried about myself, which is so selfish and shortsighted as I know so many people have it so much worse.
Don't really know what o want from this but just kind of wanted to get it all out

Really worried about myself, which is so selfish and shortsighted as I know so many people have it so much worse.

Please stop that. When you're on a plane remember the safety presentation? "Always put your own mask on before attending to others". You are equally important, valuable and worthy of self care as every other person on this planet.

Have you had a medical checkup and blood tests to see if there's a physical reason (menopause, thyroid, etc) for your fatigue and weight gain? If not that's your first priority.

Secondly the unresolved issues. Sometimes issues are just unresolvable and simply accepting that can be a relief - it allows your mind to stop trying to find answers.

Imagine if I gave you a jigsaw puzzle and said "there, that's your life to date. Except there are some pieces missing and it's possible that several different jigsaws have got mixed up in the same box." Would you persevere and try to make sense of it or would you think, fuck that, it's the future that matters - not the past?

How are you doing OP? Still here?

Have you spoken to loved ones, GP, anyone you can trust with this. Don't tackle alone. I'm sure there are people close that want to help you.

Be kind to yourself.

Try break it down into individual issues. If you can take small steps to improving your wellbeing, over time it will add up, though i know thats much easier said than done!

Why can't you say no at work? Especially if you've had previous issues caused by work, work can be a really significant contributor to poor mental health. If you could find a way to set boundaries at work that could both help reduce work stress and free up time to do other things (exercise, seeing friends, etc) that may help you feel better.

Try to stop thinking others have it worse. I've been there, but it doesn't help. Just because others have it worse it doesn't negate your issues. If a friend came to you having a tough time with eg a relationship, I'm guessing you wouldn't say to them oh but others have it worse, you could be starving, in a war zone etc, get over it. It doesn't work like that, your feelings are 100% valid even if others do have it worse.

Try just look after yourself. Think about your lifestyle, including the overeating and drinking, and identify some baby steps you could do to improve things. Small changes add up over time.

Are you getting any professional support with your mental health? If not, a visit to the GP may be worthwhile.

Also remember things have improved for you in the past, so they can improve again. Just because you feel rubbish now that doesn't mean it won't pass. Odds are it will, and one day you'll feel better and look back at this as a bad time. Try not to lose that hope.