Struggling

[deflatedbirthday]

I don't really know what to call this thread. I just need to get things off my chest I think.

I used to be a very happy go lucky person. On the face of it I have a lovely life. DH, recently married but have been together a few years, and two great DSC.

Recently, and very privately, I've started to feel a bit hopeless. I feel like a complete let down. Im irritable and miserable to be around. I snap at everyone and I won't back down. I must be awful to live with and I feel so sorry for my family. It's uncontrollable. I know I am being this way but I can't seem to snap out of it.

I can't have my own DC at the moment for medical reasons. My DM longs for a DGC (she is wonderful with my DSC though!) and it breaks my heart that I can't give her one. I likely never will. I would love my own DC but have sort of comes to terms with it from my perspective. I just hate letting other people down. I feel enormous pressure to please people. The pressure I put on myself recently seems to build up to the point of being unbearable. I'm anxious all the time.

I have been getting myself into a state about who will look after me when I am old. I will have no legacy. It will all end with me. That thought consumes me at times. I see the elderly patients at work with all their families and children. Who will visit me?

I have recently, after many many years and tests, been diagnosed with three chronic health conditions. I am struggling immensely to come to terms with it even though I pushed for a diagnosis for so long. It feels final. I am now classed as disabled. I hate it. On top of the severe chronic pain and exhaustion it's just too much.

I work part time. I'm trying desperately to better myself. I'm in the final year of a degree which will hopefully help me to progress. I know I'm capable of much more than I do at the moment.

I don't know what I'm evening asking. I want to feel joy again. I don't want to feel irritated by everyone. I don't want to be miserable. Right not I want to me anything other than me.

You’ve got a lot of issues on your plate so it’s understandable why you’re feeling like this. Chronic illness takes a huge amount of mental resilience and energy to cope with. On top of that, you’re struggling with fertility issues while having to play the role of mum to your Stepchildren.

I’d recommend you write all your worries down on paper so you get them off your chest, get to the bottom of what’s really bothering you and have space to think logically about how to address them.

I’d also suggest you do mindfulness meditation and yoga to manage the anxiety. And see if you can get access to counselling asap. Plus visit your GP too.

You’ll get through this stage, time will pass. And better times will come. hang on in there, take things step by step x

@CandyCane1 thank you. I really mean that. It's a relief to feel heard.

You're bang on in the sense that everything just feels mingled into one emotion of despair.

I can access counselling through work. I'll self refer on Monday.

I think I might well be depressed but I'm putting off adding yet another diagnosis to the list.

No worries at all - we all go through difficult times and come through them.

And never be afraid about the growing list of diagnoses… a problem known is better than one lurking in the background for ages before coming to bite you by surprise. If you know the issue, you are half way there - you can then focus on resolving the problem be it health or otherwise. And a label is just a name we give to conditions - nothing more and nothing less. Sometimes we judge ourselves far too much - so give yourself a break, be compassionate towards yourself and treat/ speak to yourself as you would a friend.

Great to hear you can get going with counselling asap - it’ll help you make sense of the bungle of emotions all merging into one… so you’ll be better able to understand yourself and cope with each emotion/issue appropriately x

@CandyCane1 Thank you. Honestly I can't tell you the relief I feel in someone on the outside of all of this understanding how I feel. It's a blessed relief to know I make sense! Sometimes the sheer volume of thoughts in my head drives me mad and I feel as though I can't logically convey how I feel.

My poor DH. He will listen but he doesn't fully understand (for which I'm glad in a way, I would hate him to have felt like this). I feel a bloody nuisance. He doesn't make me feel that way it's just all tied in to me feeling a bit hopeless and useless.

I just wanted to return to this post and update that I can't believe the difference in myself over the past two weeks.

I had a cry. I referred myself for counselling. And I adopted a fake it till you make it approach. I started consciously being calmer and making time with each family member to reconnect. At first I did have to stop myself from being snappy (I think it had become habit) but this week I'm effortlessly happier and the house has been a joy to be in. My DH seems also much happier and DSC seem so content.

My problems haven't gone away but a little change in my approach to them has made a huge difference to me and my family.

I've applied for a job that would be a dream for me and something I wouldn't have had confidence for in the past. Focusing on that has given me some short term goals and something to concentrate on.

❤️

That’s amazing news! Taking small actions has made you feel empowered 😊 Making small tweaks in your outlook/ actions is nudging you towards an upwards spiral. Keep on going on - you’ll have positive and negative days… and that’s perfectly okay 😊 thanks for sharing your update - we’re all rooting for you!