Yes, that makes total sense, and it can typically be a form of OCD. I’ve had many forms of OCD, and the earliest compulsions I can remember are in primary school. I’m now 34. I’m not sure if it’s anything you can get rid of totally, as in you may still have some OCD type tendencies, but it can certainly become manageable and far less stressful. I’m now at the point that I can put the “OCD thoughts” to the back of my mind and if there’s any anxiety it doesn’t last long. It’s a part of me but doesn’t rule me anymore.
Typically, OCD sufferers get so distressed about intrusive thoughts because they’re often polar opposite to things you’d actually do. You find the thought that you might stab someone so horrifying that you feel the need to counteract that thought with a compulsion to ensure it doesn’t happen. Then you feel better for a while, until it happens again, and again.
I used to have the constant worry that I’d say something completely inappropriate and disgusting, to the point where it felt these things were on the tip of my tongue, ready to come out. The thought of saying these things to people was so stressful, and I struggled to hold a conversation just incase I accidentally said it. I would have to repeat things I’d said over and over, just to make sure I’d said it right. I couldn’t focus on what anyone was saying to me. It was like trying to focus on two conversations at the same time while having a song playing and trying to listen to the words .. impossible to focus on what’s being said to you. It got to the point my husband and I text each other when we were sat in the same room because a conversation was just so much effort and distress. Luckily, I have a very understanding husband! In the end, I just had to slowly reduce the repeating and sit with the anxiety, which was very overwhelming at times, but after a while the anxiety got less. Once I learned the anxiety would go away after a while, I found it easier to stop repeating myself and the anxiety took less and less time to piss off.
If we were to use that logic, when you get these thoughts and want to carry out the compulsion to stop it, which in your case would be to hurt yourself, you would choose to sit through the anxiety instead. It sounds daunting, overwhelming, and it’s not easy .. but eventually when that anxiety does lesson and you repeat the process, it gets easier. The thoughts start to lose their power because they’re not winning anymore.
Do you have the support of any family members? Have you told any? Or any close friends? There are also medicines that could potentially help. I was on Sertaline for a while. I’m sorry if nothing I say helps, but your post hit a nerve with me and I wanted to let you know you’re not alone and you can certainly get better with the right tools!