Just that. I've been doing so well, coping with my ptsd symptoms, have taken up a hobby and trying to keep positive but have just spiralled tonight. I have residency of my 2 nieces and nephew so really need to get a grip in case one of them wakes up but can't stop crying.
One has ADD and she is exhausting, I'm constantly repeating myself, she keeps waking the baby and I just can't do it anymore. Another niece is unwell and in and out of hospital so often, they know us by name.
I read something that really upset me, made me feel like absolute shit for not being able to cope on my own without mental health services. I'm just done. If that makes me pathetic then so be it, put it on my fucking gravestone for all I care.
Sick of trying to be considerate to others, sick of being kind when no fucker is ever kind to me.
Done.
If it wouldn't mean the kids going into care, I'd be dead already. As it is I'm going to have to try and hide the fact that I've been cutting from the kids and from their social worker. They need stability, not another adult they have to worry about.
I can't contact my therapist this late unless I want to scare him shitless and put myself on suicide watch for the next six months and I'm never calling another helpline again so just venting here really to try and calm down enough to sleep before I have to get up for work. After I tell DN to put her shoes on another eleventy billion times.