Why is this random bloke affecting me so badly

[BuildersTeaMaker]

Background:
So, I’m not in a good place . I’m already stressed as 4 months into building work, following divorce, moving into new home cos couldn’t stay in family home, then finding it was shit money sink. I was 30 years married to ex who developed severe mental health problems 10 years into marriage and being his sole carer, sole breadwinner, sole parent etc. i retired 3 years ago to help look after him better, and then he choose to stop meds and become abusive. Hence divorce. Add to that my dad cut me off 20 years ago after my mum died and I took that very badly.
I’ve had some bouts of depression but currently most of time manage ok. But I have no resilience at all…the 2 men in my life I thought should have my back painted me as nasty, manovolent ..and I get times when I believe it and my self esteeem is shattered.
im nearly 60, I had no metal health issue until my 40s, and all the shit didn’t start till in my very early fourties.

so, today:

I have had a couple of instances recently of random men being , IMHE, really rude and aggressive to me. I’m upset but at same time I am now stuck distressed with the same “this happens because you are a nasty person” mentality

im now back home in tears, and quite frankly having some pretty horrible thoughts about myself. I keep trying to tell myself I’m blowing it out of proportion. But it ain’t working

the instance was in some way so petty, but I can’t understand why he was so rude to me, other than I’m old, fat, not good looking, and try to stand up for myself.

I was parking up and just about to pull into a space at end of row nearest me, just turned into the row, and a car was coming in other direction that pulls into space next to one I was going to use, just before me. No issues, so I pulled up to go into the end of row space I was planning on using, and as I did so noticed his Audi was on the white line between us. I checked as I pulled in and he had room on other side to pull out, straighten and have room to open his driver door. I couldn’t go further over as there was a trolley shelter next to my driver door. all fine I thought. He’d re position when he realised he was on the line.

except it wasn’t, he starts gesticulating at me and mouthing something through the window clearly pissed off. I wind my passenger window down and he asks if I’m going to reverse back and re park to let him out. I tried to tell him, I thought helpfully, that he was right on line and had room to re park himself ..but he would not let me explain…just began to say stuff like I was being selfish, stupid as he could not get out..he didn’t even look tomseenwherenhenwasnrenthenwhitenline…I tried to tell him I couldn’t park further over cos there was the metal trolley bay…he kept interrupting…and when he got out (yes he could open door enough to get out because I did leave as much space as I could) followed me down the car park into the shop saying “well I hope YOU have a nice day” “I hope YOU have a good life” in a sneering voice, he didn’t shout at me or swear, but it felt really aggressive and played right into me feeling like I’m a shit person and hated by everyone. He was not listening to me trying to explain..everytime I spoke to him, he just said the same “YOU have a great day then” over me like a parrot. I should have not responded, but I was stupidly incensed by the unfairness of him making out like I had been selfish and deliberately blocked his door with him having no options. Yep, that unfairness is something I find really hard when I’m being accused of being a crap/bad person when I try so hard not to be that

its 4 hours later, I’m still upset and spiralling into a dark shitty place of self doubt. Was I so unreasonable not to move the car? Does it make me a horrible person? I just thought, sure, I could reverse a bit to let him out his door, but he’d then find he couldn’t get back in later - or the next car in my spot would block him, so figured I was just trying to be helpful to tell him he needed to straighten up more into middle. But he wouldn’t listen, just made me the one who is in the work becuase I’m selfish, inconsiderate etc.

why is this happening to me so often in last year ( 3rd such time I’ve been reduced to tears from encounter with random man). Am I so awful in how I respond, and get myself into these situations because I’m selfish, self centred , becuase I’m fat and people ( men) think I’m worthless…or what the hell is happening all of a sudden that these shit situations develop

and Why do these stupid instances hit me so hard and I now feel like I’m the shittiest person alive.

I think you are not good at confrontation. I think you being still upset just shows your state of mind that you are not confident in yourself and pay too more attention to others and can’t fight back. I recognize all these because I’m exactly the same. I’m improving with age and MN’s help but still far away from some people.
The parking didn’t matter he was complete dick afterwards, next time I would go to the customer service and tell them that he’s harassing you. There are a lot of idiots out there and they are like vampires looking for reaction.
And I think you’ve parked fine as he was able to get out of the car.

I agree with PP. It’s not that you necessarily attract people to “pick on you” but the nasty ones that do get an opportunity to bully because you’re not confrontational.

For example, (and I’m not saying this is better) I would have shouted “SHUT UP. YOU parked on the fucking line. FUCK OFF!” on repeat. So random man wouldn’t get his power trip by feeling like he’d intimidated me on the way into the shop. He’s just think “what an awful woman” 😂

I’m sorry you’ve had such shitty men in your life.

@Derbee I wouldn’t swear to his face, he might be complete nutcase and I’m small and weak but I would give him a Paddington stare and swear to myself. It helps me even if the other party can’t hear my swearing, it’s like letting all emotions out.

Paddington stare and maybe a 'please grow up retort' or an exasperated 'whats troubling you?'

Don't bother trying to reason with these idiots- they are too stupid and have their heads firmly up their arse.

You are being incredibly hard on yourself, when you acted reasonably. The man in question is unpleasant and probably has issues around women in general, misogyny and sexism are not rare! It's not about you and your personal qualities, it's a failure and a lack of resilience for the unpleasant man.

You are a worthy and valuable person. That worth and value isn't diminished or removed by a random vile man abusing you. Don't get into any discussion or argument with people like this. I would have just repeated, "you are on the line, you need to repark, not me" and ignore everything else that he said. Given that he continued to harass you as you walked into the shop, I agree that walking straight to Customer Services or Security could be a good idea too if it ever happens again.

It is horrible when you encounter unexpected aggression, abuse and hostility when you are just going about your business and acting reasonably. Your feelings are probably being driven by adrenalin and the subsequent come down. It takes a while to shake that off and forget about the incident. If you find yourself mentally dwelling on this, repeat to yourself a sentence like "what a tit that man was", and try to push the replaying of the incident out of your mind.

This whole exchange says far more about him then it does about you. I know this type of thing can leave you shaken and play on your mind, but try to let it go. He was an asshole, you did nothing wrong.

@BuildersTeaMaker I'm sorry you've had such a shitty time of it and then along comes an entitled cockwomble to top it all off.

He was a knob and probably gets off on bullying others. Big deep breath, this had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

Have you thought about counselling of some sort to help you start dealing with things?

He was aggressively rude and unpleasant, and I think any woman would have been disconcerted and bit shaken up after that. Just thank your lucky stars that you're not married to him!

Please try not to dwell on it any more - you can't control other people's actions, but you can make a start on how you react to their nastiness. Don't let him take up any more space in your head or control your emotions. He was a bastard, but he's gone now.

Horrible man. Probably sexually inadequate and taking his inferiority complex out on women. In my mind's eye men like that shrink away to nothing, still blathering in an increasing squeaky voice till they disappear.

Abuse by anyone is painful, but you mustn't let it bring you down -- it's not a fault in you but in them that makes them target people they think are vulnerable.

OP, you've been heroic in your life, and given far more than anyone had the right to expect from you. You deserve good people around you, and I hope you have some.

He followed me down the car park into the shop saying “well I hope YOU have a nice day” “I hope YOU have a good life” in a sneering voice, he didn’t shout at me or swear, but it felt really aggressive.
I wouldn't let dicklesscarparkman or one of his clones get away with that another time. It's threatening behaviour. As other PPs have said, report it at once to customer services or security.

I hope all your building work gives you a lovely home to enjoy.

You are using what I learned from CBT is called Black and White thinking. Why do these things so often happen to me? Then you are blaming yourself.

I think you need some self-compassion training and practise, and maybe some CBT too.

A self-compassionate CBT conversation with yourself about that incident would go something like this:
'I'm really upset about that man. He was so rude. I took it personally and feel very shaken. I'll have a cup of tea now and watch a comedy sketch by my favourite comedian in a moment, to cheer myself up. It felt like it always happens to me, but it's only happened three times this year. I bet most people get shouted at by grumpy strangers a couple of times a year. It's no reflection on me. And sometimes people are so nice. Like when that woman tapped me on the shoulder when I was on my phone because she thought I might miss a bus that was pulling up, and just yesterday someone let me in front of them going into a shop and said, 'After you,' with a smile. People are usually nice. That man was just really rude. Probably very stressed - that's what usually causes aggression. I did nothing wrong so I shouldn't feel guilty. And I won't start believing people get at me because lots of people don't, like the nice ones I've just remembered. Right: tea and a comedy sketch.' Etc etc.

The first time you behave like that feels a bit forced but the more often you do it, the more natural it becomes and then you discover people who don;t give themselves a hard time talk compassionately and rationally to themselves all the time. It is healthy and normal.

Thank you for your responses. I thought I’d be told I was making a fuss and just move my car.

some things in here worth me thinking about

A couple of comments relating to some comments

first is I’m definitely not “non confrontational “ or lacking assertiveness or aggression. That is the point really. I stand up for myself and argue/talk back and I get told I’m aggressive, nasty, spiteful, vindictive, controlling etc (this is by father, ex. ). The controlling by the way is because I was ex carer by default by nhs and his only CPN effectively …I was one trying to deal with crisises, lack of exec thinking skills etc. effectively I was dumped on by nhs system to manage him in effect.
then I’ve had 30 years of working in senior management roles where I’ve had nothing but male bosses and some of them spent their entire period managing me by telling me, whilst I do my job well enough to get promotions, high successful ratings, that I must “calm down”, “manage my tone” be less agressive, not be so standoffish, less headmistressy, less bossy, less emotional, not show my frustration. You’d think I was a shouty hysteric from that- but no, not the done thing in the company, totally unacceptable. I once was told my frustration management had improved but my boss could still see it in my face sometimes and I needed to work on that. I was just never good enough. At the same time others would say I had to have broader shoulders, push harder, etc. I stopped trusting myself in terms of trying to understand what was valid criticism

I’ve had nothing but blokes tell me I’m apparently way too aggressive or controlling. I’ve had years of being told all my actions are driven by deep melevolence toward my husband and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to be nice, calm, assertive but not agressive I still am not good enough. It all started up when I got into my 40s really and mum died and bosses I had started to be younger than me (may be irrelevant). I stopped work at 55 partly becuase I could not deal with all this critics at work and home. It just eats away at me. The combination of all these people telling me I was behaving appallingly and I was a bad person drove me to depression.

I escaped the work shit by retiring, the ex shit by divorce, but I still find I am encountering people I don’t even know who also can detct I’m such an awful person in such a short time

sepcnd comment about therepy
I have had therepy of different sorts..but it was in light of being a carer for ex with mental health issues including family intervention and CBT

To be frank, I haven’t ever really got on with it. Mostly it just feels like One of 2 things… first one being, I go along and talk and get emotional to all their open ended question, then time runs out and I go home. It’s like emotional bulemia- you feel momentarily relief vomiting up that crap and then feel horrible again an hour later. Or it is the CBT type thing where you change your belief and attitudes the better feelings and emotions follow …but to be honest all the things they suggest can’t work for reason that mostly took no account of my husband being delusional, lacking any executive thinking function etc. how could I change my belief that he thought I was melovelent when he told me that all the time - and wouldn’t believe me, or I was not allowed to validate to correct him. I also got really pissed off with every session being told how much better I was looking, and how helpful the session were to me. Despite me feeling no better at all. It was just a charade in the end of me saying I’d done stuff when I hadn’t cos it was just a useless idea and I just wanted to get the 6 sessions done

I think part of issue is I’m both introverted and think a lot of things through and I also have science background that makes me a massive problem solver and analyst. Yep, flip side is I overvthink things.
my overwhelming impression of all the therapy counselling I’ve had is that the quality of thinking from counsellors is not great . But there again maybe I’ve just had completely crap experiences of therepy - mostly either NHS or BUPA (work paid). I know I experienced some particularly bad ones - one who insisted that I began to have sex again with my husband when he was having delusional thinking related to morbid jealously about me- and I didn’t feel safe in bed with him even to sleep. I felt instinctively it was wrong approach but still forced myself to go along with it. I was hugely distressed after as it felt like rape really. I know now how damaging that was mentally for me. Another nhs therapist told me and ex that psychiatrists were pseudo medics - great idea to do that in front of someone who had delusional thinking about medication etc that his psychiatrist treated him with. Very helpful. Thanks a bunch. 🤦‍♀️

so right now I’m avoiding going back to therapy. I know I’m struggling becuase of budding project which like most just now if massively expensive, massively over running and I’m just not in control of anything. Builders demanding money upfront etc. making me very anxious. All of that means not sleeping well at all. The end is in sight now so I’m waiting to see if that improves things. Today just complexly caught me off guard and is feeling into all those horrible thoughts and doubts all over over again

Hi, thank for taking time to read and then reply, please would you read my reply above. I’m reading through how your compassionate conversation goes , but in my head what happens is that I start to question…”well no, I have to take some responsisiblty in that I should have kept quite and not talked back, I’m the one that can’t control my urge to try to solve it but making him realise I’m not batshit crazy to not move the car, if only he’d just shut up and listen to me. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m a Karen, I should have just moved the car and been nice
”.

I spent a working lifetime in performance management believe we have to be responsible for resolving conflict even if we don’t hold full accountability. So, it’s not right for me to just say it’s all the other persons fault. I agree people aren’t bad generally…so it must be me that’s bad then.

and then I think “but do most people get shouted at a couple of times a year by grumpy people.? Where’s the evidence for that …I didn’t used to..why not…am I now so much more agressive, nasty etc. I must control my emotions more ..did I really not do anything wrong..well I certainly could have done it better
Etc etc etc

that’s my inner dialogue 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄. Over analysing. Self doubt

For me the common denominator of all these people saying this stuff to me is ..me..I’m the one who is shit.

For me the common denominator of all these people saying this stuff to me is ..me..I’m the one who is shit.

But you are focusing hard on finding evidence to support that claim. If you're in the right frame of mind to challenge this, then start keeping a notebook of every time anyone says anything nice to you (you might need to get someone to help point these out to you or remind you of them at the end of a day - when I did this with DS he literally didn't register all the good stuff and only heard the negatives, then focused on them until he was convinced it was the only truth. I hd to say - but what about when X lent you his pencils and B saved a place for you at lunch etc etc) Try making a list of every time anyone says or does anything nice to you or for you, however tiny. If a relative gives you a compliment or a shop assistant smiles at you. Start adding these up and taking stock of them, just to reset your belief.