Jesus, therapy is hard.

[WeneedSamVimesonthecase]

I've gone back to an old name for this, but I'm a long-term and frequent poster.

I've recently started some counselling sessions after the depression I suffered from in my teens and twenties reared its ugly head again after a ten year break.

It's bringing up a lot of crap from my childhood that I knew I hadn't dealt with and honestly hoped I wouldn't ever have to. I know it's a good thing, really - my therapist likened it to cleaning out a old, infected wound so it can heal properly - but Christ it's painful.

I'm sitting here after a session with all this pain and anger and just not knowing what to do with it. I feel so sad and sorry for younger me, who went through all this crap and never had anyone to help her and protect her. I look at my own children, already older than I was when it all started and think "how on earth did that little girl cope for as long as she did? And why did she have to? Why didn't a single adult step in and help her?"

I don't know why I'm posting this really. I'm just home alone after the session and needed to just say, ow, this hurts, I suppose.

Well done it sounds like you are really ready to feel better. It does hurt and it’s exhausting. Good luck.

Thank you. I must admit, part of me really doesn't want to do it, I nearly cancelled today's session several times because I knew we were going to have to get into this stuff - I've been skirting around for the first couple of sessions - and just desperately didn't want to talk about.

There is a strange sense of relief among the pain now I've started though.

It is horrible, I always think its like you've been showing clothes willy nilly in a suitcase - then the lid bursts open, mess everywhere and the only thing to do is go through a long process of folding everything up and putting it away properly.

You will feel better after you've processed all this. Keep going x

I'm in a similar boat op. I have recently returned to therapy re. childhood trauma and it honestly, it took me until the following afternoon (next day) to recover. I got into an argument which is unlike me, directly after my session. I felt really, really disregulated and one of my first responses was "I don't want to go back." I will of course but it is so, so hard. I understand what you say about the child who had no help/support was not protected. Part of my struggle is that I feel like I'm not properly seen/validated now, it's brought up a whole load of stuff and it feels overwhelming. Hope it will get easier for both of us.

 and sympathy for you, @Blessthisday. Overwhelming is the right word for it. I had to pop out to the shops after my session (once I'd finished crying ) and as I was driving back I had this quite powerful urge to drive at speed into a wall.

Obviously I didn't. But there was this mad thought for a moment of "surely that would be easier than actually dealing with this."

Well done - yes it is bloody hard and horrible work! But you’re feeling your pain instead of avoiding it, and you’re building tolerance for your feelings which will stand you in good stead for the future. And you’re feeling catharsis too - amazing :)

make sure you tell your therapist how you felt afterwards and your thought about crashing - it will help them pace the work appropriately as it’s important not to go too fast and overwhelm yourself.

go gently and be kind to yourself.

as I was driving back I had this quite powerful urge to drive at speed into a wall.

I had a similar (albeit brief) thought. However, it was fleeting and I continued on my way. Hope you're doing okay op.

It really really is. The M11 has seen many a meltdown from me, driving back after a session.

It gets easier though. The more times you go, the safer you'll feel with the therapist and the easier it will get to disclose to them.

God knows I've lead mine a merry dance around the point for long enough but there is always a sense of relief at having told him whatever has been weighing on me for so long.

Thank you all. I know you're right and I need to stick at it.

@WeneedSamVimesonthecase Thanks for posting and sharing this, I’ve just started cbt here, have a splitting headache from all the crying and feel like a train wreck a day later. Also not sure I can go back, but will do too.

And hoping it gets easier because if it’s totally incapacitating each week for two days like this I’ll have lost a lot of days by the end of it, tell me it’s worth it please people…

Sympathy, @whatadayagain. We just have to hang on and hope it gets better.

Does anyone else find their loved ones are very reluctant for them to have the therapy? I can understand why my family don't want me to raise this stuff, because it exacerbates their guilt, but DH was saying to me last night that he doesn't think it's a good idea for me to bring it all up, and maybe I'd be better off leaving it all in the past.

This has been said to me, by various people, every time I've tried to seek help over the past nearly 30 years of poor mental health. I get why they don't want to hear about it, because it's hard to listen to (was a damn sight harder to live through though), but why don't they want me speaking to a professional? Why is it so important that I stay quiet?

Feeling very sorry for myself and full of resentment today.

I get this from my mum. She doesn't like the idea that I might talk about her and thinks thar means she is a bad mum. Of course it doesn't and isn't her fault at all so I just don't tell her I'm having any therapy. I go out of county so as not to run into anyone she knows and just keep it to myself. You're right, it is a sense of guilt or failing, whether true or false.

Yes people get comfortable with how you are. I made some radical changes to my behaviour a few years ago (foundations for this too) and lost loads of ‘friends’. They didn’t like that I wasn’t always the people pleasing, available, ‘make them feel better’ person anymore.

My husband has had to make changes too which were uncomfortable but he understood and he and I are in a better place. And I haven’t missed the friends I lost, it was a relief.

It’s harder with my father and brother, they don’t like it when I put boundaries in place,I don’t explain why. But I won’t ever be able to fulfill what they want of me which is as a carer for my mum - who used to run around after them.

Are you feeling any better today @WeneedSamVimesonthecase ?

sending a massive handhold. It's hard to unpack it all.

Those emotions and memories you brought up want to come out now, don't you think?

Maybe there's simple things you can do to dispose of all that uprooted energy, maybe put some music on and shake it off, or have a good scream (into a pillow if must be!), a challenging run or walk in fresh air, a cold shower, a scrub of your floors, raking the leaves, painting, anything. Anything you can do to transform your emotions. I think that will help you process all the trauma that's coming out through your therapy.

Maybe those closest to you don't want to see you suffer and I guess when you bring it all up you suffer in the short term instead of bottling it all up for years.

@whatadayagain yes, it IS worth it. Therapy hangovers aren’t uncommon but they do lessen as you build emotional resilience. Keep going and be gentle with yourself

I think a lot of people can't understand trauma and for them, distressing events are in the past and don't affect them.
So they think we are choosing to bring it up and causing ourselves distress.

Rather than recognising that it's necessary to treat the underlying trauma by talking about it, to reduce the distress.

I'm sure your DH is coming from a place of wanting to protect you from upset, because he doesn't fully understand how what you've been through continues to affect you.