Is housework bad for your health?!

[Morehousework]

Feeling overwhelmed and can’t afford a counsellor so can I ask you?
Baiscally the house is a mess, filthy, tatty and gloomy. It needs redecorating and I don’t know how anyone gets the time. I finally got a job, and had to postpone starting because mum died. I’m trying my hardest at the job, but don’t seem to be doing anything right. I’m constantly catching up with endless chores.
they must be bad for your mental health! DH is exhausted at night so just wants to watch tv and bed, he irritates me the way he lies across the sofa, I irritate him with the mess in the house. I do seem to leave a trail of mess behind me - I don’t actually know how to be tidy, flylady doesn’t seem to help!
I just don’t seem to be able to get anything done - my mind flits and I’ll got to tidy the kitchen and five minutes later be doing something completely different.
dd is talking about going to college or having a year off, I’ve no idea how well afford it. I feel like I’ve taken stupid decisions when I used to take care. I often wonder if Dh is controlling, a counsellor once mentioned he might be. I don’t know how to deal with it if he is. Not quite sure how, but I seem to have gone steadily down hill in terms of confidence and ability. There just seems to be so much to do and it’s beyond me how to achieve it. I feel like I’m always trying to cling on and it’s absolutely exhausting. How do I become organised and efficient? Tips please!

There’s so much to unpack here it’s hard to know where to start. Two things that stood out to me were that your dp doesn’t seem to be pulling his weight, and you’re going downhill the longer you’re with him. It sounds more like a depression issue than a disorganisation issue? Has he not supported you more since you mum died?

Have you looked into ADHD? Your mind sounds like mine and I have ADHD. It’s hard to focus on one thing and I get overwhelmed easily.

Oh bless you. Don't worry, it can seem so daunting but you can definitely working on improving things. I remember when we first moved into our house, I felt overwhelmed with how dirty they left it and how much we needed to do decorating etc as well as working and looking after DC. I would find some time, a block of time, take a day's holiday or a day on the weekend to get everything in order e.g cleaning. Start with one room first, clean everything, tidy up and make sure everything has its place also throw away anything you don't need. Do one room at a time until all rooms have been cleaned. This make take a few days! Once everything is clean and tidy, make an effort to keep on top of it. In the morning, I make sure all plates are washed, wipe down surfaces, quick vacuum and put everything back where it goes, alternatively you could do this in the evening if it works better for you. Once you've got on top of your cleaning etc then make a list of decorating etc you'd like to do. Paint living room, get new rugs etc and go from there. It can't all be done at once and I've got things to do after living here for 2.5 years! Good luck OP

Oh and I forgot to add, I feel so much more relaxed when things are nice and clean and tidy, it does wonders for my mental health.

Your mind is a reflection of your environment. You definitely have cleaning issues, but I bet your issues with your husband are at the root of everything. Move out with your daughter and start over.

One thing that helps me is not to worry abut specific tasks so much and just set a timer for 30 minutes and do what I can in that time. 30 minutes can make a huge difference, but you need to try and get into the habit of doing it every day, which can be hard.

Thanks for being so helpful!
ihatethenewlook I do sometimes wonder if somethings not right, he doesnt really do much but is knackered after a long commute and difficult job. Tho I do wonder why people leave the towels on the floor next to their knickers, and Amazon packets where they fall. What do you mean y support? And yes, I do feel a bit glum, it’s probably the house and life events tho tbf.
blackberry cat that’s what my dd said as he watched me pick up and put down a zillion things ! And I have wondered myself, though it’s probably years of mummying brain. guessing I’d call the gp?
aretheyhavingalaugh thankyou for the clear list of instructions! I really appreciate it as my brain is too frazzled to work stuff out. I shall follow it this weekend. I hear you about the clean and tidy being relaxing, totally agree, and I’m ashamed of the house and the effect on the kids ( and me)
I think some of it is being unwilling to Chuck stuff in case it comes in handy, but I saw a you tube tidy woman thing where she said’ do you actually have the time to make all the cards you’ve bought glitter etc for? it helped me look at stuff in terms of how much time it would take to use it - so those scraps of velvet I’ve kept for 10 years ( at least) ..gone! Or maybe not..agh, hard!
thanks aqumarine I do wonder if I’ve been a cheap maid for years. It’s not that easy to up and leave though, and not sure that would be helpful.?
Thanks blackberrycat I have tried that, and you’re right, I forget about it after a few days. I’ll set an alarm!
suspect problem is being so bored I procrastinate instead of just getting it done!
Thanks tho, you’ve renewed my motivation!

Your thoughts seem scattered, mine are often like that too when I feel overwhelmed. People will say ADHD but honestly almost everyone is like this at times. Most people have characteristics of ADHD. Personally I think you have to just learn to live with it. Embrace the good factors of it such as the sponteneity and when you have periods of mania and you do clean the whole house. I have accepted that my house will never get done up now. It is a shame but I know I will not get around to it.

Even the ADHD diagnosis..... anyone with ADHD will never get their shit together enough to get the appointment to get the diagnosis let alone get around to picking up the medication if you get a script for one.

Here is something you could try: Day 1, Do one thing, Day 2 do two things, Day 3 do 3 things..... until the wheels fall off, then go back to Day 1.

I have ADHD and am easily overwhelmed by house work. One thing I’ve started doing, with success, is cleaning/tidying in zones. I will mentally picture a zone, such as a certain part of the kitchen counter, and focus on that. Every time I get distracted I go back to the zone and complete the task. It’s helped me a lot. Best of luck OP!

Thanks bluekafta that makes sense. I tried that with a room, hadn’t thought of making it a smaller area, will try that today!

You sound like me tbh. I am sorry to hear about your mum, that must have been difficult starting a new job just after losing her, I think that might need some time to work through. I'm in my 40s and perimenopause is definitely part of the problem, also have a vitamin D deficiency which I am taking supplements to sort. (In fact I'm taking a multivitamin for women as well - I think that is starting to help). Are you disorganised with your diet as well? I am, it's been chaotic for years and I think it is part of the problem? Do you have the same daily routine every day?

I would give yourself a massive break and a pat on the back for keeping trying. This stuff is not easy and at times I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Does the general state of the house make you think it being tidy is pointless in a way because it's never going to be what you want it to look like? I feel like that, I think it might be because I am a failed perfectionist as well.

My thoughts are scattered as well. Blind leading the blind... but I wanted to comment to say you aren't on your own!

Hi mel thanks for that! I like the blind leading the blind comment - it does feel like we are stumbling around in the dark looking for a sign from flylady.
It’s so good to realise whatever is up, others are in similar straits - I used to think everyone in the world was sussed apart from me. ( still do!)
vitamins are a great suggestion! Especially as flu is now covid. Humpf
and yes, house doesn’t feel like I live there. We’ve been here 10 years though, it still doesn’t feel like home. Don’t know why. Maybe cos never got it anything like decorated?
ill give myself a pat, I think you need one too, you are right it’s not easy. Another humpf.

Hello, me again. Just needing a handhold, it may be covid - we’ve both got it, but I’m suddenly massively anxious at everything and how I’ve made stupid choices years ago that have impacted me far too much now. I keep burning the dinner, I’m supposed to be proving my worth to job, and can’t manage to do anything, just feel yuk. And riddled with anxiety. I often am, ever since the kids were born - both teens! I’ve done a bit of tidying but this house! I’ve been meaning to paint skirting for 10 years, it’s so old and gloomy. I want a small flat with life and warmth and friends. Can’t cope with grunting teens. It’s all such a struggle.
sorry, feeling dreadful. Just want to feel like I’m progressing, why does that never happen?

Wow, sorry! I conclude that housework is bad for your health!

I'm currently listening to a book on Audible titled How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It's opened my eyes and given me a better understanding of why I am like I am. I'm only halfway through it. It's not a long book, 3 hours. I really think this book can help you piece things back together. Slowly and gently, taking baby steps. The lady that wrote this book "gets it" and understands because she is just the same. Give it a go. Hope it helps.

Unfuckyourhabitat was super helpful for me. The emergency panic clean is brilliant, it’s all about speed to see results, basically turning the dial down on the mess with built in breaks. There’s also a help guide for depression, this was massively helpful when I was drowning.

My mother gave me three pieces of advice about housework when I was growing up in the '60's.
*Never do housework if there is something more interesting to do
*There is always something more interesting to do
*And, if anyone doesn't like the dust they can dust it themselves or leave

It has been advice that has stood me in good stead for 65 years.

Don't worry, everything will be fine, at the end of the day, it's just a house, your family and mental well being are so much more important so try to take it easy especially if you aren't feeling good. All the jobs can be done in time, like I said room by room, job by job. I remember decorating our hallway, it was vile when we moved in but I just took the time, painted the skirting and woodwork, painted the walls, bought a nice mirror, a rug, a nice light fixture and now it looks nothing like it once did. It's amazing what a bit of paint can do but you have to be in the right frame of mind to crack on with it. Wait until you're feeling better 😌

Your mind flitting and feeling irritated is a sign of adhd. Not a definitive it could also be stress but I have just had my diagnosis finally and things just make sense now the more I’m reading about it. Speak to your doctor xx

Well I’ve got the first book, suggested by Sunshiney day, ta! The reviews look good too. And then I’ll get the second. Tho I’m the depression guide sounds good.much too tired.
Quveas, your mum sounds bloody brilliant, and like my mum. Who, would rather have a laugh. Unlike her friend who I swear, spends every second cleaning a spotless home for just her and hubby. And has NOTHING to talk about, she still seems to very important though! Happy 65! What’s it like? Now I’m 60 I’m looking for fellow ladies to compare notes!
aretheyhavingalaugh, thankyou! I will, looking forward to it ! It’ll be persuading Dh we don’t need everything to be old fashioned or magnolia. I’d love some cheery colours in the place. Pink skirting!
thanks jessesmum. I’m going to take anti depressants for a while…maybe…I’ve been miserable for aeons, tho I think it’s circumstances. I shall ask her if it’s adhd instead. Thank you for the tip.
I hope you are all relaxing in your clean and painted homes!

Also I realised why it doesn’t feel like I live here, every bit of furniture was chosen by Dh. Omg! It was! I chose one small side table, which he didn’t want in here for ages.