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Hitting myself when upset

11 replies

Flowerytray · 27/09/2022 22:13

Hello, have name changed for this.
When im upset and someone backs me into a corner i have hit myself, pulled chunks of hair out or head butted the wall.

It started around 4 years ago when my husband had a psychotic episode for nearly a year when he came off his anti depressants after being on them for years. He became very angry and took it out on me by berating me for hours and interrogating me. I was frightened of him and posted on here around that time for help. He would go on at me until I was crying and because I couldn't take anymore I sometimes got to the point where I would hurt myself. On one occasion i smashed a glass on my own head. Luckily i was badly cut but i frightened myself. I think i just wanted him to stop.

I have also been disabled for a few years due to a neurological disease and its affected my speech and balance.

The self harm hasn't happened since until 2 months ago. I was going through a stressful time and my mum wanted to come over and i asked her not to and she came anyway. I just wanted to be on my own and didn't feel well. She just thinks about what she wants and we ended up arguing and i couldn't cope and pulled a lump of my hair out. Mum left as she was upset anyway. Iv explained and apologised to her since and told her that she over stepped boundaries and i was frustrated. I feel so embarrassed that i have done this and the look on her face when i did it was horror. I don't know what im trying to achieve by posting here but just need to understand why i do this. I wouldn't do it if I were on my own.

When I was a teenager I had severe depression and hated myself and scratched my face once but im not depressed now.

Thankyou for listening

OP posts:
Iggyp · 27/09/2022 22:17

I can't help OP. But you're not alone. I do things like this too when frustrated/upset. It's very embarrassing but at the time it feels like I literally can't do anything else.

💐

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/09/2022 22:26

Does it make you feel in control when everything around you is out of your control? Even though you know it's harmful or dangerous, at least it stops the outside chaos and gives you agency over what happens inside you?

Flowerytray · 27/09/2022 22:28

Thankyou. Thats how I feel. I just want them to stop it. I have told a therapist about it but she didn't have any answers.

I walked on eggshells around mum at home because she was so shouty and angry and now I can't cope with anyone getting angry with me. Im sorry you do this as well.

Im thinking that when i feel myself getting like this again to remove myself from the room or situation.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 27/09/2022 22:31

I've smashed full metal water bottles on my head when very very overwhelmed. It isn't as rare as you might think. Its a firm of self harm and can be addressed with the same therapy techniques.
Big hugs for you. You are not alone.

ChampagneCamping · 27/09/2022 22:36

When ever you feel cornered or feel overwhelmed, go into the garden or take yourself off out for a walk or drive. Have a cup of tea in a cafe or go feed the ducks. Listen to music or phone a loved one. Could be minutes or hours you are out of the house.

autocollantes · 28/09/2022 02:38

Hey OP it sounds like you've been through a lot. And all of it seems to have had you severely impacted, but simultaneously as a "secondary" person (if that) in the underlying situation. What I mean is that your DH had the psychosis, but you were the one who actually suffered. As a kid your mother has whatever issues, but you had to walk on eggshells.

Have you seen movies where there's a scene with lots of characters are arguing, or kids going crazy making lots of noise and the central character stands in the middle of the chaos, becoming totally overwhelmed until they cover their ears and scream at everybody to be quiet/stop? Your self harm reaction seem to me like that. Things around you build up and it gets understandably overwhelming and you do the equivalent of covering your ears and screaming, only you hurt yourself instead.

It actually makes quite some sense.

Your DP went waaaaaay over your boundaries repeatedly and your mother most recently did it too. It's extremely stressful for you (those experiences would be for most people) and so you have an extreme stress response. However, while there's definitely logic in there, it's not helping you in the best way, because you end up damaged. You don't deserve to be hurt, for any reason, physically or emotionally.

I'm confused that your therapist didn't have much to say though. Is your therapy to deal with things related to this? What sort of qualifications does your therapist have?

If you're not being helped with this in any way, then in the interim you can try some things yourself (slowly, baby steps with zero pressure to "do it right" or the like). A PP mentioned some things that help with stress reduction. You can give some of those a try. You also feel the need to hurt yourself though so perhaps there's a less damaging way? Some people find holding an ice cube against their skin can be useful. Others use an elastic band on their wrist that they can ping. These things are all best practiced when you're not in the thick of it, so when the next occasion of overwhelm occurs, your brain has already got different pathways to different options to choose from.

Maybe some of that use useful, maybe none. Do what you feel you want to do. You are who is important here.

You can also ask your therapist directly to help you deal with this. You're used to being number 2 and not being listened to or prioritised, so I can imagine it's hard to ask for something when you feel unheard, but the therapist is only there to help you. It could be that she feels you're working on something else and whatever that is will help you with this. It could be that she wants to focus on what you're doing now before moving to something else. She may not have realised it's important to you to work in it, or that her lack of response was confusing for you. Or many other things. You're allowed to ask her though. She won't think badly of you for asking and she won't be angry at you.

I have gone through extreme behaviours that hurt me due to overwhelm from the behaviour of my STBX. I was also seen as a secondary/tertiary/lower down person to everybody else with my boundaries completely trampled on over and over again. So I recognise this from your post. However, I want to qualify everything I've said with that. I'm seeing it through the lens of my experience. I'm not a professional. None of what I say may be relevant or useful. But on the off chance that it is, I wanted to share my thoughts and let you know that I found a way of the behaviours, so it is possible. Good luck OP, you really have my sympathies, you've been through an awful lot.

Flowerytray · 28/09/2022 09:07

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/09/2022 22:26

Does it make you feel in control when everything around you is out of your control? Even though you know it's harmful or dangerous, at least it stops the outside chaos and gives you agency over what happens inside you?

Yes I think it maybe helps me take back some control and makes them stop but at the time I feel like it's the only thing I can do. Thankyou forget that helpful insight.

OP posts:
Flowerytray · 28/09/2022 09:11

Hillrunning · 27/09/2022 22:31

I've smashed full metal water bottles on my head when very very overwhelmed. It isn't as rare as you might think. Its a firm of self harm and can be addressed with the same therapy techniques.
Big hugs for you. You are not alone.

Yes it appears it's not just I don't think it's spoken about. I looked online about this and they talk about the other type of self harm like cutting when alone but not this. Thankyou. It's good to know I'm not alone Flowers

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 28/09/2022 09:52

Flowerytray · 28/09/2022 09:07

Yes I think it maybe helps me take back some control and makes them stop but at the time I feel like it's the only thing I can do. Thankyou forget that helpful insight.

Your subconscious mind has developed this strategy as a coping mechanism, possibly because there was nothing else available during the mental torture inflicted on you by your husband. Can I ask, did you feel you had a lack of control when you were growing up - especially with your 'angry/shouty' Mum? Although the self harming may only have started 4 years ago but I would bet the damage started in childhood.

If you were my client (I'm a remedial hypnotist) I'd be talking to the part of your subconscious mind that felt trapped or powerless as a child and letting it know that as an adult you have options. Like telling people to fuck off...

Flowerytray · 04/10/2022 10:16

autocollantes · 28/09/2022 02:38

Hey OP it sounds like you've been through a lot. And all of it seems to have had you severely impacted, but simultaneously as a "secondary" person (if that) in the underlying situation. What I mean is that your DH had the psychosis, but you were the one who actually suffered. As a kid your mother has whatever issues, but you had to walk on eggshells.

Have you seen movies where there's a scene with lots of characters are arguing, or kids going crazy making lots of noise and the central character stands in the middle of the chaos, becoming totally overwhelmed until they cover their ears and scream at everybody to be quiet/stop? Your self harm reaction seem to me like that. Things around you build up and it gets understandably overwhelming and you do the equivalent of covering your ears and screaming, only you hurt yourself instead.

It actually makes quite some sense.

Your DP went waaaaaay over your boundaries repeatedly and your mother most recently did it too. It's extremely stressful for you (those experiences would be for most people) and so you have an extreme stress response. However, while there's definitely logic in there, it's not helping you in the best way, because you end up damaged. You don't deserve to be hurt, for any reason, physically or emotionally.

I'm confused that your therapist didn't have much to say though. Is your therapy to deal with things related to this? What sort of qualifications does your therapist have?

If you're not being helped with this in any way, then in the interim you can try some things yourself (slowly, baby steps with zero pressure to "do it right" or the like). A PP mentioned some things that help with stress reduction. You can give some of those a try. You also feel the need to hurt yourself though so perhaps there's a less damaging way? Some people find holding an ice cube against their skin can be useful. Others use an elastic band on their wrist that they can ping. These things are all best practiced when you're not in the thick of it, so when the next occasion of overwhelm occurs, your brain has already got different pathways to different options to choose from.

Maybe some of that use useful, maybe none. Do what you feel you want to do. You are who is important here.

You can also ask your therapist directly to help you deal with this. You're used to being number 2 and not being listened to or prioritised, so I can imagine it's hard to ask for something when you feel unheard, but the therapist is only there to help you. It could be that she feels you're working on something else and whatever that is will help you with this. It could be that she wants to focus on what you're doing now before moving to something else. She may not have realised it's important to you to work in it, or that her lack of response was confusing for you. Or many other things. You're allowed to ask her though. She won't think badly of you for asking and she won't be angry at you.

I have gone through extreme behaviours that hurt me due to overwhelm from the behaviour of my STBX. I was also seen as a secondary/tertiary/lower down person to everybody else with my boundaries completely trampled on over and over again. So I recognise this from your post. However, I want to qualify everything I've said with that. I'm seeing it through the lens of my experience. I'm not a professional. None of what I say may be relevant or useful. But on the off chance that it is, I wanted to share my thoughts and let you know that I found a way of the behaviours, so it is possible. Good luck OP, you really have my sympathies, you've been through an awful lot.

Thank you for your very insightful post. I haven't replied before as it takes me a while to process things.

I don't see my therapist anymore and haven't since 2021. She had the relevant qualifications but I didn't think it was helping anymore.

Its only when im backed into a corner that i self harm. And yes its when they trample on my boundaries. My husband has changed immensely since his episode and I have been setting boundaries with him.

When i set boundaries with my mum she doesn't like it as she takes it personally. Im going to carry it on though. I should have walked out and gone to bed when she came round. In the heat of the moment it all just happened.

OP posts:
CherryJacky · 23/03/2025 22:52

Hi, your post really touched me. I feel exactly the same way. It happens when my partner and I get into a argument that gets drawn out for hours, and he becomes, what I see, and very accusatory and unfair, and I feel this despair come on, like there is nothing I can do to end this other than hitting myself. When I did this for the first time (maybe 7 years into our relationship) my partner reacted by trying to stop me. Now though he does nothing at all, just stares at me. It always makes things a lot worse between us. But in certain moments (maybe once or twice per year) I get so hurt and feel there is nothing else I can do.

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