Work & mental illness (SH warning)

[Sillysosij]

Don’t know if it should be in mental health or work.

I’m in the best place of my life. Severe mental health issues following extreme childhood abuse & neglect, DID, PTSD, eating disorder, suicide attempts self harm the lot. But I’ve been through lots of therapy and take medication regularly. One DD who I want to provide for. I’ve been working hard on my MH since she was born, kicked out her abusive dad, no one would ever guess I have these issues.

But every time I work full time I have a breakdown. I don’t know why. I got a new job I really like that pays well, I’m soooo lucky to have it and I know I am but today my mental health has flatlined. I don’t feel integrated. I feel really crazy. No one else is in my office, I have an office share and most of the time it’s just me. I ended up self harming in my office. I barely felt it but wanted to keep going. Kept the implement hidden in my skirt so it was nearby if I needed it.

I didn’t disclose my condition because realistically no one would hire me if they knew. I don’t want to go into work tomorrow. I want to stay home forever and hide. But I also want better, I want to hold down a job. I don’t feel like I’m coping, I never know if I’m doing my work right, I never know if it’s enough and I feel like any minute they’re going to see through me and let me go.

At the same time just being there is unbearable. I want to go somewhere else, do any other kind of job just for something different. Even though I liked my job, up until today, and nothing happened differently.

Whats wrong with me? Why am I like this? I don’t know what to do.

I didn't want to read and run, but hopefully someone with better understanding will come along. I'm sorry you've felt so low today.

Feeling like you aren't doing your job right is not uncommon- I feel like that quite a lot and I've been in my job for ages. How long have you been in your job?

Do you have a therapist or anyone who can help you find strategies to get through? You sound like you're feeling panicked because this has happened before but, as you know, things can change xx

None of this is your fault. When you are unwell you don’t have much control of these things but you’ve clearly done brilliantly to recover well and stand up for yourself so you’ll need to keep drawing on that resilience you have when your confidence and mental health is vulnerable (like when you are under pressure in a new job).

Go back to your GP, and try to get some regular counselling set up to help keep you steady. But I’m certain you can do this, you just need some support and self love. You might be surprised how supportive your work place could be too so have a think about asking for some concessions that would mean you can stay well and do the job.

Good luck OP, you’ve already achieved a lot so don’t be too hard on yourself.

At the same time just being there is unbearable. I want to go somewhere else, do any other kind of job just for something different. Even though I liked my job, up until today, and nothing happened differently.

Whats wrong with me? Why am I like this? I don’t know what to do.

i don’t have answers OP but I copied the above from your post as I feel exactly the same. Do go speak to your GP. Do you have a HR department in work you could speak too?