Detachment from baby - I hate kids and I'm about to have a baby

[AnnBt]

Hi Everyone,

Wanted to have an honest discussion about this journey in a safe space. Will try to articulate to my best ability - after two losses I was petrified of getting pregnant again, simply because it's such an unbearable pain to go through.

Once we found out we were successful, I was at my docs office every week making sure the baby is still there, the heart is beating and everything's going according to plan. I've chilled out now at 23 weeks but the fear is always there.

Now that fear aside - I never felt overtly maternal nor I particularly like kids, so I have a question for fellow mamas...

Is it normal to feel detached from your baby? I read and hear about all these women spiritually connecting to their uterus and their baby as it grows inside of them and I just find that to be the most bonkers thing ever. I feel love and excitement, but as far as the baby is concerned, he is completely alien to me emotionally. I want to love and nurture this baby, but am so over pregnancy and everything that comes with it.

Has anyone had any experience with disassociation/detachment during pregnancy reflecting onto their child's emotional development?

I loathed being pregnant. Was depressed through my pregnancies. Sick as a dog throughout.

I have two young adult sons who appear unscathed!

Some people get the whole spiritual bonding thing, I didn't. I was still able to be a damn good mum of the kind that made mistakes, ran out of patience/puff at times, but ultimately did pretty well!

Also, turned out I love babies. Never expected to!

Your probably not wanting to get attached after losing the other two. Do you not feel a connection when your baby is moving and kicking etc?

Why are you having a child if you don't like children?

When you give birth and they put that baby in your arms that's when your real maternal side comes out.

I had no feelings with my first beyond babies being parasites that feed from your body and I wasn't a fan of the method of exit. Said child went to university recently and he and I feel like I was supportive in all the right ways and I've always loved him to bits. He's loving and kind and emotionally healthy.

Second child I feel like I bonded with while pregnant because I knew what to expect. Yet I still don't feel like a maternal type.

I didn't feel 'love' for either of my girls until they were a lot older. Specifically about 3 for my eldest and 18 months for my youngest. I would have laid down my life for them, but I didn't get that rush of love anywhere near the beginning. That's being brutally honest. They never knew that by the way. No idea how I felt early on - and they're 20 and 15 now. Very happy, secure, well-adjusted girls.

I'm now pregnant with my third (31 weeks) and I feel more of a bond with her than the other two. I'm not sure why....maybe I'm older and more chilled? I was also diagnosed with a mental health condition and I'm on meds to control it so I'm more relaxed anyway. God knows!

Anyway, my point is that it's perfectly normal not to have a fierce bond with your baby before he/she is born. Those feelings WILL come - and they're worth the wait 😊

It’s totally normal OP, your body has been invaded! I hated every single pregnancy, was never maternal, never enjoyed looking after other peoples children, didn’t bond with DC until they were around a week old. I had losses too so pregnancy was just feeling sick, sore and miserable, and then the awful anxiety when I wasn’t feeling sick, sore and miserable. I was happy and relieved when everything was okay at a scan but I wasn’t cooing over the pictures or anything, just trying to get the pregnancy over with!

Some people have easy and straightforward pregnancies and in those scenarios I can see how it might be easier to bond with the baby, but when you’re just trying to get through it minute by minute it doesn’t leave you a lot of space for spiritually bonding

I still wouldn’t say I’m a naturally maternal person but I love my DC for being the amazing, cool little individuals that they are and I feel so lucky and happy to be their Mum. They are the best thing that ever happened to me! When I look at scan photos now I think ‘I can’t believe that little parasite that was ruining my life was actually you in there all along’

I was terrified of losing mine (higher risk due to fertility drugs and then a m/c) and can’t say I ever felt connected to my unborn children - more like I wished the pregnancies were over and I’d given birth so I didn’t have the relentless worry of losing them iykwim. It took me a while to bond with them too once they were born, and that’s perfectly normal - just as some women have a surge of love immediately after giving birth, others take longer. Pregnancy and motherhood is a funny thing imo - lots of different ways to do it right 😊

I wasn’t maternal; and not keen on other peoples’ babies. The minute DS was born, I fell in love with an intensity greater than in any adult relationship! To be honest; all I wanted in the first year was me and DS. It took a while to take to DH again!