OCD buddies, come on in...but take your shoes off first!!

[foosfan]

I'm suffering from depression but a large factor of that is OCD which in me manifests itself as obssesive cleaning and weird little routines etc that are as debillitating to your life as any other illness.
The hardest thing of all is trying to hide it from other people.
How many of you have this in one form or another?
I thought I'd start a thread for us.
Going to wash my hands now...

Mamlocco, a lot of what we think of as OCD traits are actually quite normal - it's only the fact that they become extreme which makes them OCD. Most children go through stages of not stepping on the cracks, or having particular (unshiftable) routines or being very rigid in the way they want to do things - it's about being in control, I think, rather than anything else.

As AMAM says, it's about why people have these rituals as much as anything else - the fears we have that something awful is going to happen. If your daughter expresses something like that to you then maybe you would be right to be concerned - but the chances are there's nothing too untoward about her behaviour.

Bear in mind that a lot of OCD-type behaviour happens in otherwise "normal" (for want of a better word) adults too - most people have superstitions, routines, orders that they like to do things in, lucky numbers, but don't have OCD.

If it is OCD, forcing her out of her ways will make her stressed and anxious.

I'd say it's best to try and be completely relaxed about it and let her get on with it, if you can bear to.

Obviously if she's doing something which is dangerous or taking up too much time there has to come a point where you need to take her away from whatever she's doing, but again I'd try and do it with as little fuss as you can.

What kind of things does she do which concerns you?

Thank you for such sensible advice. May come back to you at some point in the future but will try to keep in perspective for time being.

mamalocco have you read the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk?" Ancientmiddleagedmum's post about getting 95% in an exam and never wanting to get lower than that (or generally associating success with love) reminded me of a section in the book. It shows you how to use language that will be non-judgemental and therefore not set a standard to your child. My (crap) example would be:

(1) "wow, you remembered your school poem perfectly, well done, I'm so proud of you"

(2) "you took your time and read that poem with real meaning"

The first statement gives children a standard to follow "I must try to be perfect again so she is proud". The second statement shows you really listened to how the poem was read and made her feel proud of her own achievement.

Its very subtle and I find it very hard to do! I am trying it with my children atm. It is very hard to begin with but I am beginning to find it more natural now. A helful thing to remember is - state what you see - "oh look, your drawing has tall flowers at the front and they are different shades of pink" instead of "what a fantastic drawing".

Does any of that make sense? Help? My 3 children do funny little things (things have to be a certain way before bed for one, tidy for another) but its also my eldest who I must try hardest with. I want her to feel pride in herself, unconditionally and not end up like me, always trying and trying and seeking approval.

this is the book

foosfan your thread is so welcomed by me!!

I came on today about to start a thread moaning on about how shit my day feels and I found a santuary

I too have depression which I have been dealing with, by myself, for a few years. I am learning to accept the lows when they appear and ride them until they pass. I am also obsessive about housework and, like you, it is this that I find more difficult to handle.

It is holding me back from my life and it makes me a fairly horrid person. I don't feel I want to begin anything until my house is totally ship shape. This is a complete impossibility because I have 3 children and a big house. I work myself into a frenzy.

A while back (in our old house when I had one child) my mum would look after my daughter once a week and I would spend that day scrubbing every corner of the house, changing beds, putting out fresh towels, washing windows etc. I worked my arse off every week but it kept my main symptoms at bay. I still was very clean and tidy through the week but I could 'allow' a sink to look a little marked with toothpaste by a Wednesday because I knew it would be done on Friday. It meant I had a bit of a life. I could relax a tiny bit and take my DD to the duck pond, to a friends house, to play in the garden etc because I had my allocated "go mad" day. The key was getting everything ship shape and perfect in that one day.

Now its harder. I cannot get round my entire house and all the jobs in one day. I have lots of children and homework and school runs and other people's children and parties, elderly relatives who need me, bath cooking. I feel I can never get finished. I don't have the satisfaction of feeling that every little thing has been made right. And unless I can get that feeling I remain on edge, uptight, anxious, exhausted and sad. And I feel my children deserve more than that.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for starting this thread. It has inspired me. Having to reply (and I did have to ) has made me look at it in black and white. And maybe I can have the courage to contact a counsellor and just let him/her read my entry. I saw a counsellor some years ago. I didn't help one bit because at the time I thought I was seeking out someone to help me with PND. Now I think I know what to say.

Thanks for the sanctuary. Now......back into the wilds........

Thanks xxx

Hi cleansheets, I'm sorry I havn't got back on here before, I spent the weekend...you'll never guess now...thats right, cleaning!!

I too am not content and can't rest until I've cleaned the entire house, its like I think that an unclean part will contaminate,for want of a better word, the clean areas!
I am aware of how mad that sounds

Once I'd finished cleaning you'd think I could rest wouldnt you but oh no, then is the time I obsess about every little bit on the floor, mark on the window etc etc.

Help...will I ever have a normal attitude to cleaning?
My mum was the same years ago until they moved house and that stopped it.
I'm worried DD will pick up on general cleaning weirdness.
Note to OCD'ers NEVER EVER think its a good idea to get a dark wood floor throughout the house if you have a tendancy to obsess about "bits" because trust me you'll spend all day walking around bent double picking them up.
I'll look like Quassimodo soon

That is funny Foosfan! I have builders in at the moment: muddy boots, using the loo, making tea - an OCD nightmare, with me getting through a lot of Dettox!!!

You could ask them to take the boots off outside, think I could guess what they would say though!
My DH is a carpenter and sometimes works on muddy sites, I've "trained" him to take his boots off at the door but unfortunately in the mornings he puts them on and then realises he has forgotten wallet/phone etc and tramps around the entire house with them on looking for said items.
Really endears me to him, bless!

Looks like I'm the first person up and about so far, you can see from the time I posted that I'm an insomniac to boot!!

I don't mind the boots so much, as my OCD doesn't cover carpets. It's general taps, loo handle, door handles that get to me. I know I am in a really bad way when I am cleaning the top of the liquid soap thingy, as in my addled brain, people have touched that BEFORE they wash their hands, and so it must be germy. Am I mad or what!!! Sorry you are up so early Foosfan, I use Cough Nurse to get a really good sleep.

I used to use copious amounts of alcohol and the magic weed
Can't do that now as I'm all grown up(sorta!) and breastfeeding!!
Getting pregnant turned out to be a a bit like going to rehab only much more expensive and its not your own sick all over you any more!

Yes, I can identify with that Foosfan - you are funny! Is the baby keeping you awake, that part is really hard!

Bugger...DH is home, better look busy and cook tea or something I don't want him thinking looking after a baby is easy, he doesnt see me running around during the day!!
No doubt I'll be up at 4 again, will post again then.

I'm REALLY pissed off now, DH has had an alcohol problem in the past and he promised me when I got pregnant that it would stop.
Recently he has started drinking again, just the odd can, and its gradually creeping up which has caused a few rows.
I've kind of been thinking that its been hard for him to live with me, my OCD and my depression so lately I've let it go and bit my tongue.
This morning though I,ve just found some grass hidden in a cupboard and further investigation turned up some tobacco so hes obviously back on the weed as well.
I may sound like a hypocrite as I obviously was a smoker but since having DD I've stopped and to be honest I don't miss it.
I feel really hurt that he obviously needs these crutches and we are not enough for him.
Just when I was starting to feel better.
He also has been texting one of his mates whos off to Spain snowboarding soon about how jelous he is and how he wishes it was him going.
Thing is, we obviously can't afford it now we have DD and I was looking forward to the family holidays in a caravan as opposed to the partying holidays we used to have.
I feel really hurt and I'm going to find it hard not to say anything.
Please help...need advice.

Oh Foosfan, I do feel for you and especially when you feel someone has let you down on what they've said. But let me just put an alternative viewpoint - and forgive me if it's not right, as obviously I'm an outsider and don't know it all. My theory is that a bit of grass and a few cans aren't the worst thing in the world for a DH to be doing, though I know it's going against what he told you, but tbh I think we all need something to take the edge off the day and especially at that early stage when the kids are small and the pressure is great. Plus, remember that what we say in texts to friends isn't necessarily what we really think - for instance, I sometimes tell my pals I miss my single girls nights out on the town, whereas the actual truth is I really can't be bothered with all that anymore and much prefer sitting on the sofa watching Corrie! But you sort of say it just to feel like part of the gang again. I bet you he loves the family holidays just as much as you do. Don't shut him out, he sounds like a good bloke overall? Well that's my two penny's worth and I'll shut up now, but to be honest with you my DH drinks a lot more than yours and I think he needs it with all the stress of kids/work etc! Big hugs to you, can you have a nap in the day? I used to find if I lay down at 2pm, and read a paper or book, I could drift off for a nap for 10 mins and it really does help for later in the day? Or maybe that's not practical, anyway, more big hugs!

Thanks ancient, I know you are right, I think I worry because of what he used to be like and I'm afraid that he'll go back to it.
Thing is, having a baby really changes your life doesnt it and I do think that men have the choice of changing or not changing.
I'm a bit paranoid because we had a great relationship but VERY different we socialised a lot and drank a lot.
I have changed sice having DD and havent been out at all because I'm up early and breastfeeding and my friends now have babies too, allthough I can count them on one hand!
The "friends" I used to go out with I havn't seen at all, funny that!
We sleep in separate rooms and havnt had sex since the birth, sorry if too much info
I love being a mum but as I'm so different I worry about my relationship with DH.
He keeps joking about my weight too wich isnt really helpng matters!
God sorry, just realised how long this post is!

My DH would not DARE to joke about my weight, very much a no-go area for a man to comment on this, as he doesn't know what a woman's body goes through to create a whole new human being! Tell him off for that, definitely. Can you try and force yourself into a bit of sex, it's amazing what a tonic it is for the relationship, for your wellbeing etc. I know that it is hard, and sometimes feels like a massive hurdle, but if you make yourself do it you do usually feel better afterwards and it helps bond you and DH for the very difficult business of being parents! Sorry if I sound like a nag, but a pal of mine and I have had long discussions about this - men see sex as a way of showing their love, whereas we see it (at least after a baby) as a PITA! But she says it's like the "glue" between her and her DH. Don't worry about not being the life and soul of the party anymore, you're raising his child - that's more important than dancing a conga down the street at pub closing. Tell him if he shuts the xxxx up about your weight, you'll have sex a bit more. Anyway, who am I to lecture - it is a hard, hard time when you are breastfeeding and you feel like your body or your time are not your own, you are a slave to this tiny baby. I reckon the odd glass of wine won't hurt, especially when there are a few hours before your next feed.

I don't miss the drinking really but would kill for a cigarette!
Anyway I've been twittering and whingeing on for long enough about me, are you ok?
Are you on the depressed forum for yourself or to help other mums?

Must admit I did smoke while breastfeeding, but I should not encourage you. I am very lucky not to be depressed, but have a brother and mum who suffer depression now and again, so I want to help. I have two beautiful children, one of whom (my son) was diagnosed as autistic 2 years ago, so that has been a struggle to be honest. It changes your life totally, but I'm fighting to get him to talk and to lose some of his more autistic behaviours. Mostly I go on the SEN forum, but your OCD thread caught my eye and made me laugh. Think there must be some link between OCD and depression genetically, as my mum is also very hygiene conscious, and has had odd phobias (eg she hates the smell of eggs and will wash plates that have had egg on them in Milton and all sorts!). Hope you have a better evening foosfan, keep your chin up!

You are a star!
Thanks for helping me to keep things in perspective and avoid yet ANOTHER row!
I'm sure will bump into you again ancient, been great to talk to you.
I'll keep my chins up xx

Spotted this thread and thought I'd say that it's good to know there are other people out there feeling the same as me. OCD can be quite isolating (I think so anyway) as it's not really the sort of thing I can talk to friends about easily and I sometimes find they don't really understand it even if I do try . Mine has gone through SO many different things (deep ruminations where I have been up half the night trying to work out answers to impossible questions about life; handwashing as frightened when touching raw meat; putting things in order to name a few). I have an eating disorder too - am starting some CBT for this tomorrow.