I'm imploding and I can't stop myself

[MistressofMuppets]

My mental health has been bad for a while.
I called the local team and I do have an appointment but obviously there's a wait and I can't be seen immediately.

I've been feeling things slip for ages but I have so many responsibilities I haven't had the time to do any self care. (I'm a carer for my partner, have an 11 year old, lost my dad 2 years ago and mum can't drive or get about so I end up running around for her a lot, plus I work in a jobshare)

Today I snapped. Had a huge wave of missing my dad. Started sobbing uncontrollably. Now I hate the world. I don't want to be here (wont do anything about it. Too many people need me) I hate that so many bad people get away with so much and that there's no justice.
I feel its totally helpless. That nothing I do is good enough, and I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can see the mess I'm getting myself into but the logical side of me is being battered into submission by my emotional side.

I'm pretty sure this is BPD.
My psychiatrist said in the past I have traits but I had them well controlled. Now I don't.
My partner is trying to calm me down but it just keeps winding me up because it seems to me that I do all the grunt work while he does what he wants (not 100% true I know but he does need to take some of the blame here, at times he does hide behind his disabilities if there's something he would rather not do)
But he won't comfort me. Mainly cos I'm ranting and he doesnt want to come near me. Logically I know this but emotionally I feel totally abandoned and just want him to leave if he can't cope with me. Don't want him judging me.

Which sounds mental as I'm judging myself. But he keeps asking what other people would think. Every time we argue he tells me to be quiet cos the neighbours might hear us. At this point I don't give a damn. And it seems that he's more worried about what other people think than what's going on with me. Probably not true. But that's what my rabid aide thinks and I can't override it.

I can't get an appointment with the mh team faster and I'm not bad enough for hospital.
I've tried all.my cbt techniques.
All I've done is scratched my arms to shreds and got into such a state that I can't sleep. And now I'm sobbing in the kitchen and venting on Mumsnet.

I'm so lost and alone and scared.

So sorry OP. That all sounds very difficult. I know what you mean about the fight between your logical brains and your emotions. I was trying to explain exactly that to my GP a few days ago but didn't do as good a job as you.

Is there anything you can do today to soothe yourself? Is there a friend you can talk to? Do you have a hobby you can immerse yourself in? Have you ever tried one of the meditation apps (I love Headspace)?

I know it sounds weird, but I find flicking my wrists with elastic bands helpful.

I would say tomorrow, try to get an appointment with your GP. They should be very understanding and I would expect them to see you regularly until your MH appointment comes up.

My gosh OP, you have so much on your plate. I wish I could give better advice other than what dizzy has suggested but it sounds like you need a bloody break to me!

Right now, if you're not already, just stop and breathe.

Re your partners care needs. We all have a limit. You only have one life. Do you get any help with him? Any of his family help? You're not being selfish by struggling here and not wanting this to be your life. For now breathe and keep talking if you want to. I'm in a similar ish position because I am full time carer for my disabled little girl and always will be because she is my child. It's life changing. I know it sounds harsh but my aunt drew the line one day with her DH that she was carer for and he went into care. She could finally then be happy and start living her life and the age of 55 and I'm so glad she did.

Thank you both. Managed to fall into a decent sleep for a few hours.

I know I need some help and I'm working on getting it. Problem is I present (to the world at large) quite well and despite explaining these things unless they happen to see me in a melt down situation I think it appears to people that I'm being melodramatic.

I do try and use mindfulness and cbt but once in spiralling it doesn't always work.

Feeling a bit more positive today, think just getting it out helped a lot.
In regards to being dp's carer, he's another one with a hidden illness. Presents as "normal" to the world but with autism (formally diagnosed) and arthritis which on a bad day can leave him unable to function.
Most of the time being his carer isn't overly arduous but when his autism and my depression clash it can be a nightmare.
It doesn't happen very often but yesterday was one of those occasions.

If I'm being honest my mum and extended family are the cause of a lot of my stress. And between the queen dying, the anniversary of my dad's death and my birthday (on 3 consecutive days) my mum has required a bitntoo much of my heads pace for the past few weeks.

Hopefully it will level out now that those are over for now.