Can’t stop thinking about ending things

[MummyRem]

Having these thoughts make me feel better. Knowing I can do it if I wanted. I know it’s not normal but my thoughts seem to go there several times a day without being able to help myself. I have sat here and thought about how I’d do it, and what I’d leave in a note to people. I have never considered myself to have depression. My trouble has always been anxiety but something has switched this last month to something I’ve never felt before. I cry everyday. I wish I could lie in bed all day and not have to have any interaction with the outside world. I have gone from somebody who was excited to do things to somebody who doesn’t give a shit if they never left the house again. I have 2 little boys who I believe are the only reason I’m here. My life has always been a little stressful what with having 2 young children, school runs, house to look after and so on. But those everyday stresses and things I thought were hard to deal with are nothing compared to how I’m feeling right now.It’s funny really, the things I thought were problems don’t seem that way now. I’m not looking for sympathy and I know there’s only so much you can all say but I need to get this off my chest

You need to speak to your gp.

I get similar thoughts but know now that what I want is to stop feeling LIKE THIS to stop living LIKE THIS. What I really want is to get better but that seems out of reach.

Anxiety and Depression can be connected and you can get help for both.

You have a lot in your plate op. Have you considered talking to the gp? I know they have a long weekend and everything is closed but if you feel the need to , please don't hesitate to call the emergency or 111 ,you are worth it and you deserve to be helped. Are you eating and sleeping alright?

In the mean time please cut yourself some slack. I know it feels absolutely rubbish when you are down and still pushing yourself to look after kids and family and all this can take a toll on us and push us in a dark places. would you please consider talking to an anonymous helpline?
I hope you feel better soon 🤗 ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Samaritans
Available 24 hours a day to provide confidential emotional support for people who are experiencing feelings of distress, despair or suicidal thoughts.

www.samaritans.org
116 123 (free to call from within the UK and Ireland), 24 hours a day
Email: [email protected]

Mind offers advice, support and information to people experiencing a mental health difficulty and their family and friends. Mind also has a network of local associations in England and Wales to which people can turn for help and assistance.

Lines are open Monday to Friday 9am to 6pm (except bank holidays).

www.mind.org.uk
InfoLine: 0300 123 3393 to call, or text 86463
Email [email protected]

Their HopelineUK service is open 9am - midnight every day of the year (including weekends and bank holidays).

www.papyrus-uk.org
Helpline: 0800 068 4141
Text: 07860039967
Email: [email protected]

I don’t think they can help. I don’t even know if I want help. I know that sounds strange but I just feel totally numb. I feel completely torn. I don’t want to leave my boys and leave them without a mum. I don’t want to leave the rest of my family and put them through the pain that I would. But at the same time I don’t want to live the way that I’m living. I just want it all to go away. Thank you for your advice and help x

Are you taking any medication to help you, @MummyRem? If you are, you need to ask for a review, and if you're not, you need to approach your GP to ask for help with how you are feeling. In my case, I've found citalopram very helpful.
You could also reach out to your local well-being service. (I've been there and done that, in case you're wondering. In my case, I found them very helpful and supportive.)
I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. But, there is help out there.
Sending you a virtual hug and lots of strength.

Sometimes, suicidal thoughts come to you because being able to feel that there is a way out available to you if you ever really need it can give you the strength you need to go on for now. If that's the case, and you're habitually using thoughts of suicide as a coping mechanism in themselves, then it's not ideal, but it's perhaps not as imminently dangerous as thinking of suicide as something you might soon do. It is something that's a big blaring warning sign that something in your life needs to change, and it is somewhat dangerous because it can kind of… prepare you for at some point taking action based on those thoughts, because the idea of suicide won't be a shock to you, as you've let yourself get used to them. So it's something I think you need to tackle.

It is possible to find better ways to manage the way you're feeling, including the usual suspects of medication and therapy. I've been through periods of my life where I've had this mental habit of thinking "I could just kill myself" when struggling, but it is a risky habit to get into and doesn't help you improve things in any way. When I've come out of the low moods, the tendency to think like this drifts away.

When you're low, it very often seems like there's no way you'll ever feel any different, but once you're feeling better you can look back and the low mood can seem as unfamiliar as feeling better seemed when you were low.

Even if it seems pointless, you could give the GP a try, see if there's anything that they can offer you that might help.

I could not read and run.
I was like you. Got through each painful day, reminded myself how much I loved dc, but spent every hour in bed when they were at school. Lying there, numb.
A wonderful person made me go to the gp. I told him how I felt. I got a prescription for fluoxetine and three weeks later I was almost back to normal. It changed my outlook and I got better. Five years later I came off the tablets.
You don't need a stranger to tell you that you are loved, and that your kids rely on you. That whether you realise it or not, there are people who care and love you and would be devastated if you weren't around.
Go to the gp. Get help. Get better. It's an illness not a permanent condition.

I hope you can get some help OP, there are other days to come when things will feel different.

Please reach out and seek some help from a friend, a family member, nhs24. Anyone please. Speaking about how you feel seems very daunting but it’s the first step in helping you,

your children need you

Thanks everyone for replying. You’ve given me some good advice. Still not 100% this morning but I feel somewhat better than when I posted. I feel really teary and my head hurts. Still want to just lie in bed all day and be left alone but I have my beautiful little 18 month old DS here. The thought of doing the school run on Tuesday is making me feel really anxious. DP is taking me away for my birthday in 2 weeks for 2 nights in a log cabin so I am trying to focus on that. I am looking forward to it, I know I’ll have a lovely time. Sorry for the life story, it’s just nice to be able to write my feelings down even if nobody reads😁