The Fear

[PointyNails]

I need to talk to someone about the things I worry about in life. I get things out of proportion and I am selfish in that I only worry about things that affect myself and my family. I am quite ashamed to be this way because there are people around me who are dealing with some real bad situations and here is me worrying about what might happen.

It may be the way I was brought up. I had a very happy childhood but my dad was very risk adverse and did not want to step out of his comfort zone and was at his happiest just pottering around at home. I guess he was a worrier too, although I didn’t think so at the time, and it must have filtered down to me. Maybe anyway.
Im not keen on going on meds. Been there before and they didn’t help much. And I am fine most of the time, then something will set me off for a while then I’ll get over it.

It really helps me to talk about things and to put things into perspective but I feel a bit stupid and don’t want to burden friends with it.
You would never guess the way I am if you met me. What do I do?

Until we encounter the wider world with a conscious, rational mind (which only starts developing at around the age of 10) we accept everything as true that we are explicitly told or learn by example from our parents and close adults (grandparents, etc).

So, for you, you learned from your father that the world is a dangerous place and that worrying is a nature reaction. Even if you no longer believe this to be logically true, your subconscious mind does because the information was absorbed as a core belief and therefore absolute.

Have a read of this article to better understand why you think the way you do - you could also look at this list of cognitive distortions, some of which will be very familiar :)

CBT - either self study or with a therapist - or a short course of hypnotherapy would be beneficial.

Thank you so much. I will have a read.
That is very interesting what you say about my dad. In fact the whole of his side of the family seem to be like this. Its only when I look back now that I can see.

I have had cbt over the telephone in the past, which I didn’t find to be helpful. At the time I had it I was feeling good so probably didn’t engage with it. That’s not to say I wouldn’t try it again.

Also I think give yourself a little break on the judgement about what you worry about. It is understandable that you worry about yourself and your own family, I think this is true for most people, you don't need to feel guilty that you are not worrying about your neighbors, total strangers etc...just let them crack on and you can deal with your own anxiety. Definitely talking therapy would help to widen your world view if you feel ready for it, good luck! In the short term tho, it may help to try and catch yourself in the moment of when you start thinking these thoughts, and kind of observing (not judging) that you are in a familiar thought pattern that doesn't serve you anymore and now you can choose to change your behaviour.

Thanks. Guilt is a big part of things with me. I tell myself I shouldn’t be feeling/reacting like this over things that most people appear to shrug off and take in their stride. Which makes me feel worse. But maybe they are like me, putting on a show for the public. So I bottle things up, gloss over things.
Things are tight at the moment but counselling is probably needed. But I don’t want to just sit and talk myself. I want input and guidance.
Top and bottom of it is I need reassurance and for someone to talk me down when I start and tell me everything is ok/going to be ok. Not going to happen is it?

But maybe they are like me, putting on a show for the public

Yup - unless you can see into someone's mind you have no idea what's going on behind the smile.

Top and bottom of it is I need reassurance and for someone to talk me down when I start and tell me everything is ok/going to be ok.

You can do that yourself - you just need the knowledge and tools to do it.

Yep I agree with above poster, you have no idea what is going on in someone else's head so the first thing is to drop the assumption that you do. You need to be very ruthless with yourself about this, it has taken me a long time to truly understand it. When you really absorb this you will begin to appreciate that comparison is pointless and you can then bring things back to you. I don't agree with your view of counselling but each to their own, in the meantime maybe find books that appeal to you and start reading and maybe writing things down might help too

What do you recommend for counselling Coffee? I just don’t know what’s best.
I’ve read a bit and know my thought processes are wrong and what has worked for me in the past is sharing. Talking to like mined people.Even these posts and responses are a great help and writing down helps too.

I've been a worry wort since I was a child. I'm currently waiting to have my nails done and I feel scared inside even though it will be a relaxing indulgence.

A hangover from my past with anxiety, panic attacks/disorder and agoraphobia.

I still sometimes think why am I like this? Why am I nervous? But I try to push through, breathe and remind myself noone can really tell.

You don't need to feel guilty about what you do and don't worry about.

I wouldn't say your thought processes are wrong, that's just another version of self criticism, just that they are currently stuck. I would recommend looking on the BACP register for an integrative counsellor and then meet with a couple of counsellors and see if it clicks. Changing our core beliefs is no small thing and it can take time but it will be difficult, you will get fed up and what to give up, you will think all manner of things about your therapist (they are well trained and can handle whatever it is so take it all to the sessions as it is all relevant) and the most important thing is to stay with whatever comes up and try and see it through. Otherwise you will stay in this loop. Good luck

Thanks. I don’t think I can afford to pay for therapy at the current time as things are so uncertain with regards to finances but I will try and save up.

An alternative to long term and - potentially - costly therapy is hypnosis (disclaimer: I am a hypnotist so I would say that!).

Because the problems you are facing can be traced back to your childhood and are based on your feelings rather than 'facts' they are lodged in your subconscious mind or inner child. CBT and other therapies work with your conscious, rational mind but if your subconscious rejects them in favour of the earlier beliefs, which it "knows" to be true, you will struggle to override it. If you'd like, have a look at the later posts on my AMA on hypnosis which explains how and why it works.

Thank you. This is something I have never really thought about so I will look into it.

I’m the same OP. Seem to be either worrying about something or on the edge of tipping into worry. I’m having a rough time at the moment with various things happening in my life. Anything can tip me over tbh and like you I worry about the small stuff that I think others wouldn’t give more than a passing thought.

I think people will judge me as well because I don’t want to go on medication and they will think that I just don’t want to feel better. Meds in the past have not done much for me.
I wish I had the balls to actually go and get some therapy but even that scares me.

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