I'm an overgrown toddler

[SeptugenarianToddler]

Name changed for this - I've been on MN for at least 10 years.

I have the really stupid habit of imagining - but not acting on - really childish reactions.

A minor disagreement with my spouse leads to thoughts of LTB or even suicide. A tiny problem with a neighbour and I'm fantasizing about burning their house down.

This is stupid; I've done it all my life, and I want to stop. Apart from causing myself heartburn and losing sleep, one of these days I might just go and do something stupid

Does anyone know if there is a name for this mental behaviour?

Is the heartburn and losing sleep from being angry or from the thoughts going round and round in your head and causing a panic? It sounds like you could be catastrophising which is could point to anxiety being the issue. Anger can be a sign of anxiety too. Other than that no ideas.

Nothing wrong with having a good imagination! You know you're not going to act on those thoughts so they aren't going to cause any real life consequences and I suspect there are many people who have similar thoughts on a regular basis.

Have a look at this video on intrusive thoughts, I think it will help you.

Anger?

And unless you are planning to act I don't see a problem here. Your mind is just playing the anger through in imaginary scenarios. Do you ever vocalise if you are angry or upset about something or do you tend to hold it in?

This isn't normal?! 😳
I'm always grateful that I manage to control my temper so well around other people. But one day.... (I do worry)

Thanks for your comments. So, it's normal to smile on the outside, and be a vengeful homicidal maniac on the inside? Who knew.

I used to grind my teeth, but my dentist suggested I bite my knuckles instead. I've long since run out of fingers; I have calluses on the calluses!

I suppose, after all has been said, I'm just a powerless individual raging internally.

You don't need to smile on the outside, it's ok to tell someone that you feel angry if something has pissed you off. I suppose the difference is that you don't leap to burning their house down if they have left their bins infront of your house/blocked your drive with their car/left a mess in the kitchen or whatever it is, you acknowledge your own anger and then you assertively speak up for change.

I don't know but I do the same. There was this irritating woman in sainsburys talking at the top of her voice on the phone and I was just day dreaming about smashing her face into the checkout.

I also often think when people upset me that o should just go and kill myself and hope they know its their fault and feel like shit. Obviously wouldn't do any of it though.

I tend to hold anger and hurt in a lot too until it comes out in an explosion of temper or tears, usually in a counselling session.

It does sound more like you not knowing how to process your anger as opposed to be irrationally angry. I think a lot of those types of problems can stem from childhood and being punished every time you felt anger.

Oh I'm like this. I'm a violent maniac in my head. I love to imagine various ways I could attack people who annoy or hurt me.

I told my boyfriend and he laughed and said I'm a psycho so I'm guessing it's not normal? Idk.

There’s a type of OCD called pure-o or pure obsessive where you get unwanted intrusive thoughts that can cause a lot of stress and anxiety particularly around losing control. Maybe look at that?

OP, whilst some people express elements of this, your coping behaviours seem to be quite extreme and I would encourage you to self refer to your local mental health service to seek an assessment. It may be that you function well, but the fact you’ve put in the effort to reach out to MN asking shows me that you have a level of concern yourself and there might be support available to enable you to deal with the daily emotions more smoothly. Best of luck

There’s probably several terms it could come under - intrusive thoughts, black and white thinking. Ultimately an emotional regulation problem.

It might be that when you were little, you were shamed or judged for showing certain feelings like anger, so you learn to not express them or cover them up. Very likely, as you’ve said, “This is stupid; I've done it all my life… mental behaviour”, and “really stupid habit” - where did you pick up the idea that it’s stupid or ‘mental’ to feel angry? And you’ve described the feelings as “childish” - it could be that they’re a young expression of feelings that were never seen or acknowledged by your parents when you were little, so you might be kind of stuck in that childish way of feeling as you’ve never had help from a regulated adult to help you develop a more mature, regulated way of feeling and expressing anger.

Not expressing feelings can lead to them coming out as an explosion or at a tangent or as intrusive thoughts, so that might explain the sort of extreme thoughts. Covering them up can lead to you developing a sort of mask or social front which means you show the bits of yourself that were acceptable in your childhood (e.g. likely it was safe and acceptable to feel happy, content, calm, so you might feel those are acceptable feelings to show to others while you hide the more difficult feelings like anger, frustration, disgust).

on the suicidal thoughts... When you feel like your emotions are too big to cope with, it can feel like the only way to escape the feelings is to get out of your nervous system i.e. die. When you have the right support with acknowledging and feeling your feelings (a therapist is ideal), you can learn that feeling and expressing your emotions is possible and doesn’t kill you, and you might find the suicidal thoughts fade.

All of this stuff are normal adaptations to growing up in emotionally stunted environment or without enough emotional support. There’s nothing mental or wrong with you.

If any of that resonates and you want to know more, Complex PTSD by Pete Walker is a good book to give an introduction and overview to why this stuff happens. He calls suicidal thoughts and emotional overwhelm “emotional flashbacks”, and he has his steps to managing these in his book and on his website. Therapy and mindfulness meditation can also help you improve your emotional awareness and regulation.