Being sick / anxiety

[Jenby5957]

Hi all don’t want to make this too long so will try to keep it short. I am a 31 year old mother to one child, to the outside I have a good life, comfortable home owner good marriage. Inside not so much, i have awful anxiety/depression that I’ve had help for, but the last few weeks it’s been quite bad and I’ve started to make myself sick. The first time I did this was because I was upset so I went to the bathroom and made myself vomit and instantly felt like a bit of relief and I can’t explain why. I’ve never done this before. I’ve had a long stretch of depression over a feud I’ve had with my dad, always had an ok relationship with him but then we had a bad row and I saw a different side to him and tbh it broke my heart, I feel like I don’t know him at all and don’t want to if I’m honest, every time we see eachother there’s an atmosphere & it just won’t ever be the same as it was because he’s too stubborn and horrible to talk to. It’s really crushed me and one of the reasons why I’m here now, I’ve actually felt suicidal over it at times, but wouldn’t ever do anything because of my daughter. I couldn’t do that to her. She is my whole world. Before anyone comments this please don’t say I think you should tell your dad how your feeling, I’ve tried before and he said I was crazy/paranoid & I don’t ever want to be made to feel like that again. I’ve just got the point where I tolerate him to keep the peace in the family. I don’t go to see him or go out my way or anything. It just doesn’t make it easier, so now here I am just utterly sad Over what a shitty parent I have and wonder why he doesn’t love me and what I did so wrong to be treated how I was. Being sick from anxiety/ stress. Feeling like a shit mom because I feel so damn sad all the time when I’ve got what I’ve always wanted ( my child) after years of infertility, please just any advice on how I can get part this

Hi lovely I didn't want to read and run and have no advice about how to get past this, but I understand completely I have had the worst anxiety ever recently panic attacks fainting , unable to eat a full meal( massively unusual ) that horrible feeling in my tummy , I feel nervous or sick majority of the time , and overthink everything
I sometimes write alot in my notes to try to write what I am feeling down , I try to talk myself around my feelings but really I don't know if it helps , often feels like I am battling my own mind.
GP has just prescribed me propranolol for when it's at its worst ,

Maybe see if your GP can help and try not to beat ur self up too much

Have you had any counselling/ therapy? Maybe it would be helpful to speak to someone about the difficult relationship you have with your Dad. Not to try and fix the relationship, but more to try and help with these feelings?

"and wonder why he doesn’t love me and what I did so wrong to be treated how I was"

I am struggling with depression / anxiety and this can often involve being sick due to the anxiety, I also have propranolol prescribed.