Limerent obsessions and bad childhood?

[mitskii]

Hi,

NC for this. Please do not judge, I genuinely need advice.

I had a very difficult childhood for many reasons and am estranged from both of my parents. As a result I suffer from mental health issues and likely some yet undiagnosed conditions/disorders. From secondary school onwards, I have struggled intermittently with limerent obsessions. Google 'limerence' if you haven't heard of it before. I am now at the point where I am sick of having them as they are having a serious detrimental impact on my life. My obsessions often last at least a few months, during which time I sometimes exhibit unhinged behaviour such as making grand gestures to get the LO's attention etc. I am genuinely seeking help from anyone who has suffered from this before and successfully defeated it.

I have had several LOs in my life which as I've said started in school where I would fixate on certain teachers.I was then in a long term relationship from leaving school until 3-4 years ago, during which time the limerent obsessions stopped as I had a partner. Since splitting up with my ex I have had a few limerent obsessions. I'm a bisexual woman and have had them for both genders. I've noticed that certain criteria almost always are involved:

• older than me
• in a position of authority
• somewhat unattainable (married/straight/other reasons)

They also usually start when the other person starts being nice to me and giving me attention, which sometimes probably is flirtation but I think I also have a tendency to overanalyse interactions. As stated above, the obsessions last for a few months during which time I tend to build up personal friendships with the person and then I usually become disinterested

Shortly after my relationship ended, I started taking night classes and became limerent for one of the male instructors, which began with us staying back after the class ended to talk to each other, often debating different political issues etc. He was extremely intelligent, confident and charismatic and I became completely besotted. I would often google him, watch videos of him that were online (he did a lot of public speaking), and sometimes would record classes with the intention of playing them back at home listening to our interactions in the class. (I realise this is unhinged). Eventually he revealed that he was married and shortly after, at a social event where we were drinking, he admitted that he had had "thoughts" about me but would never act upon them because he was married. I became disinterested in him from that point on and the obsession ended. However, at the same social event after the discussion with the LO, I ended up drunkenly sleeping with another instructor on the course whom he was friends with as I knew there would be a chance of him finding out and in my head it would make him jealous. There's another example of the unhinged behaviour.

The second LO was quite short lived but it was with a female colleague around 10 years older who was in a more senior position than me in a different department. We worked together on a project and began bonding over a shared hobby, which again led to us developing quite a close friendship. She began to act very caring towards me, making cups of tea for me on a morning, buying me little treats from the shop, lots of touching/hugs, messaging outside of work etc. I'm not sure if I construed it as flirting at the time as I didn't know if she was straight/bi/gay but I certainly enjoyed the attention and thus became limerent for her. The unhinged behaviour this time was turning up at an event relating to our shared hobby (even though I would never normally attend such events) because I knew she would be there. Anyway, after a couple of months we were out drinking after work and joking around a bit about me being "gay" (something we did often), at some point during the convo she explicitly said she was straight and wouldn't be interested in me and once again my interest and limerence dissipated.

The third LO is my current LO. This one is also female, and I've met her in a professional setting, i.e. I am a "client" of hers (I can't say any more because it is outing). She is also older than me. Again, we began to develop a friendship, often discussing very personal things, though we laugh a hell of a lot too. The last time I met with her, which was last week, I felt a bit of a "vibe" and noticed her touching me a lot, grabbing my arm when laughing at my jokes etc. Once again, the limerence has ignited within me. Last week I looked at her FB and found out that she is a lesbian who was previously married to a woman but now divorced. The issue I am having here is that, because she is neither straight nor married, she doesn't seem "unattainable" so I'm worried the limerence might not go away, or I might embarrass myself. My unhinged behaviour this time around has been emailing the customer compliments inbox of the company she works for, praising her work and saying they should reward her for excellent service.

I am aware that my behaviour is irrational so I'm not here to be lectured. I just want to know if anyone has struggled with anything similar before and if so, how on earth do you put a stop to it? As I've said before, I do have MH issues and am in the process of being diagnosed and hopefully medicated for some of them. I also have had problematic relationships with substances in the past. Limerence is genuinely having a similar effect to me, because during the first few weeks of limerence I become quite obsessive and find it difficult to focus on other things. For example, after an interaction with the LO I often find I have to just lie in bed for a few hours analysing every aspect of the interaction. I do have a good job and am quite successful in my career which is the only thing that distracts me at times, although my performance at work does dip when I'm limerent.

Can anyone help? Please.

A very close friend of mine struggled with limerent obsessions for twenty-five years. They involved two people she had known for years, and worked in cycles.

They entirely stopped when her mother died. She now thinks the phenomenon was intrinsically connected to her complex relationship and history with her mother.

That is extremely interesting and probably the case for me as well to be honest. I haven't spoken to my mother in years because she put me through hell and back as a child/adolescent. But deep down, I absolutely adore and I think of her all the time. I'm terrified of her dying before we have a chance to reconcile but unfortunately the damage is so great that I don't think we'll ever have a proper relationship.

It is all about brain chemistry. Your reference to substance dependency is spot on. I have been cursed with limerence and had an unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with my mother.

"Limerence certainly resembles addiction in many key respects. There are the neurophysiological highs, and the withdrawal lows. The cravings, the disruption of everyday routines, the habit formation. There is also the diminishing value of each fix, and the need for escalating stimulus as time goes on to get the same pleasure. Ultimately, there comes the realisation that the LO is detrimental to your life, but you also know you can’t give them up without significant emotional pain."

livingwithlimerence.com/person-addiction/

Hope this helps.

Sounds like you are psychologically stuck at the stage of infancy where children are obsessed with their parents, their life revolves around them, they do not see themselves as separate from them. I think it’s your subconscious looking for some “replacement” parents. Have you tried reparenting therapy?

You seem to have good self awareness which is a huge help OP. Do you have ADHD? BPD? Bipolar disorder? All of these are hardwired towards being more prone to limerent obsessions. That lovely dopamine...!

Getting your diagnosis and psychoeducation and / or medication will help. Good luck

Thanks so much for posting this OP. As you have just enlightened me about something I have never been able to understand- why when I get infatuated with someone it is literally like a drug. I lose weight, obsess constantly, can't focus on anything else, make appalling decisions.

I have usually found that if and when I actually 'get' the person I find out I don't actually like them that much but it has usually taken a good 18 months to 2 years to disentangle myself because the uncertainty and adversity of a bad relationship also have drug like effects on me.

I am 49 but still not over my parents emotional abuse, especially long term betrayal by my father. It makes me sad that I have wasted so much of my life reliving that in various ways.

To answer another poster, I've been diagnosed with BPD, bipolar type 2 and ADHD and also have substance abuse issues. Classic dopamine disturbance.

This will sound scary but it's probably a particularly negative trajectory for the limerent type (always called it love addiction before)

I've burnt out and fallen to bits a lot in the last few years, was in stressful job, can't work etc and haunted by a lot of the mistakes I've made, many of which were to do with obsession with unsuitable and frequently horrible men (and one woman- that one didn't last long- my limerent avatar (as per that site linked to above!) seems to be an imprint of my dad when younger, but with more of my mother's nasty characteristics.) Ugh hard to admit that...and makes me very pathetic, a little girl who didn't grow up. My sons have suffered for that and I am to blame for not ending the cycle of abuse.

I was so adamant as a younger woman that I wouldn't make my parents mistakes and now I see that I just made different ones, possibly just as bad. I suppose at least I never told my boys they were fat and ugly and useless, that they had ruined my life by being born, or laughed at them. But I left their dad for an unremarkable limerent object (a Tory ffs... I am a diehard socialist, where were my political and personal morals then?) and behaved appallingly selfishly after that pursuing awful men who were good looking but had few other saving graces. This was interspersed with a lot of depression and suicidal ideation, and there was no 'in between' as it were. Later I progressed to drug abuse and alcoholism which I'm now trying to tackle.

I'm deeply ashamed by all of it and most of the time hang around at home wishing I were dead, which also isn't great for the children whose lives I have damaged. Luckily since the menopause hit I have had no more LOs but I live in fear of encountering another one.

Thank you much everyone for your responses. They are all incredibly thoughtful and helpful.

A previous poster asked if I have ADHD. I am certain that I do. I also have severe issues with executive dysfunction. I have been assessed for ADHD and just waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist so that I can have medication, which the CMHT have suggested I need. Another pp mentioned dopamine disturbance which is spot on. Much like the comedown after a drinking/drug binge I am feeling embarrassed about what I did in my limerence induced dopamine high (sending the email to LO's company's customer compliment email). They have sent me a really nice response tbf but I feel so ashamed of my behaviour. I had only had one drink before sending the email so cannot blame it on alcohol but rather the manic high you experience during limerence. I often go through these cycles with LOs.

I believe my ADHD was caused by my childhood. I grew up in a very low-income household (council estate, benefits, small town) with a completely absent father and mentally ill mother who was sectioned when I was a young child. When I was around 12, an adult male family member began attempting to groom me. Luckily I was smart enough to recognise the signs and raise the alarm before he did anything physical but M believed him over me, accused me of making it all up and essentially disowned me. So the pp who suggested I am probably looking for replacement parents is probably right on the money. It's all very Freudian. Also - I have never shared anything like this before on the internet but this thread genuinely feels like a safe space to open up. I have been so touched by all of your responses and your own stories which have made me feel much less alone. Thank you ❤

Lots of us will be cheering you on OP

I have ADHD and I have a definite limerent tendency which has put my marriage at risk. Thankfully MN helped me give it a name as I was too embarrassed to ever mention it directly in ADHD assessment (I suspect my Psychiatrist read between the lines). I've never mentioned it in therapy either. I'm perimenopausal now and almost feel like I'm waiting it out. I have never acted on it but my adhd is very anxious hyperfocus driven rather than impulsive which thankfully makes me less impulsive BUT also makes me prone to hyperfocus on my LOs. It's much easier post diagnosis because I understand what is going on. Learn as much as you can about ADHD it will help 🤗

@SquirrelSoShiny I am indescribably grateful for your support and your willingness to discuss this problem. I have a lot to say in response!

Re your perimenopausal comment - do you feel like you’re “waiting it out” because the feelings are lessening in intensity? I often suspect that my many issues (including ones with sexuality and gender identity) are at least partially related to some kind of hormonal imbalance. My mother was of “advanced maternal age” (39) when she gave birth to me and I have read a few studies about prevalence of certain hormones being directly proportional to maternal age during pregnancy/birth, so have wondered if that could have something to do with it. But as discussed in previous posts it probably is more environmental than anything else.

Re not disclosing it in the assessment - me too. In fact I have been frightened to reveal it to anyone because until reading about limerence online I genuinely believed that my behaviour was Ted Bundy-level unhinged. Rationally, I know it isn’t, because I would never put the LO in any kind of uncomfortable position, rarely initiate contact unless it’s justified, and actually have a tendency to act quite distant with the LO. (Funnily enough, I bumped into LO #2 today and she made a jokey(?) comment along the lines of me never bothering with her any more. I just laughed very falsely and immediately changed the subject to something mundane). But yeah, I’ve had borderline stalkers before and (perhaps generously) exclude myself from that definition even tho I do go to extreme lengths to find information about the person if I don’t know them well, such as checking social media, their friends & family’s social media, even at times the electoral roll to find out if they have partners, etc.

Also, last comment, but the hyper focus thing is interesting . I have that too, and it led me to believe I am autistic because I go through phases of becoming absolutely OBSESSED with certain topics for anywhere from a week to several months. I can recite the 50 states of the USA, all of the European capitals etc because of previous obsessions with them, but the obsessions can also be really dark and disturbing things such as reading about mass shootings, terror attacks and plane crashes for days on end. I would love to know if anyone has any psychological theories on why certain people find these things interesting, beyond the fact that it’s “different/shocking”. For me I think it’s a combination of a few things. In one respect I think I find it (disturbingly) comforting that people have been through extremely traumatic and painful experience far worse than anything I have experienced. I think it lessens my pain in a way. And secondly, learning about how evil and monstrous some humans can be reassures me that I’m actually not that terrible of a person in the grand scheme of things. Those are just theories of mine though and could well be debunked by someone with actual psychological qualifications.

Anyway, rant over. I don’t expect anyone to reply to this, especially as this thread pretty much tanked - not unexpected giving the niche and abnormal subject matter. But it feels really good getting it out. Thanks again to everyone who replied, and let this be a safe space for anyone else who wishes to talk about their own experiences.

I <3 MN

Oh also, just QMTA, my point about the hyperfixation/ADHD/autism was that one of my assessors said they didn’t think I was autistic at all, because I seemed to be emotionally intelligent, jokey and made eye contact with them. A lot of my friends have said they think I could be though, which is interesting. So many of the symptoms are the same/similar as ADHD ones so it’s hard to tell.

I have some experience of it but not to the extent that you have described. Hundred per cent result of childhood trauma.

don’t underestimate how positive it is that you have such good self awareness. I have found that with increased self awareness even though a lot of my dysfunction continues it’s now so much easier to observe the experience rather than being overwhelmed by it - ie so the limerance is still there but just be naming it it kind of loses its power a bit.

i also fund for me with things like this it’s so helpful for me to see it as a brain chemistry thing as already discussed - and then forgive myself more easily when my brain has resettled

@mitskii The reasons for dismissing autism sound ridiculously dated BUT hyperfocus and sensory hypersensitivity are common in ADHD. I certainly have both. Ironically they can be helpful as well as being a PITA.

You and others might enjoy Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté. It's very much a trauma based interpretation of adhd and controversial for that reason. The truth is adhd has a neurobiological basis so it runs in families. In some families that can lead to chaotic parenting, particularly if a parent is very impulsive or prone to seeking out abusive partners (adhd is a risk factor for domestic abuse- it makes sense - the highs and lows are dopamine a go go).

As for waiting it out I'm probably being naive but I think the highs and lows of peri mean we are desperately seeking emotional level. I started hrt specifically to deal with PMDD which only started in perimenopause. There is a link between oestrogen and dopamine so falling oestrogen in peri can make adhd symptoms worse.

It's interesting that you mention gender identity issues. It may be hormonal but equally neurodivergence plays a part. I just think we feel 'different' from others and may be less willing to gender conform. It's why the blind acceptance of gender ideology really alarms me - neurodivergent people are massively more at risk and also massively underdiagnosed, especially girls and women.

What an interesting thread. I had limerant obsessions when I was younger - a lecturer at university (not even my lecturer, he worked in a different department), a guy who worked in a bar I used to go to, a friend's colleague who I SAW only once and never spoke to. I never approached any of these guys, but would think about them non stop for months on end and fantasise about being in a relationship with them. I also had an enmeshed relationship with both my parents but especially my mother. I never thought of these two things being connected before

I had a lot of therapy from my mid 20s onwards after getting out of a violent controlling relationship, and I have a distant, surface, low contact relationship with my parents now. I met my partner when I was 25 and we've been together for 17 years. My head is generally in a much better place than it was when I was younger. I don't remember exactly when the LO stopped but it's been many years. Good luck with it all OP, these thoughts can be very unsettling and upsetting

Hi all. I would like to say thanks again for all your replies - I've found the stories and info you have shared to be very helpful. It has helped me to understand my emotions and behaviour from a logical perspective instead of just getting carried away in the fantasy like I usually do.

I don't expect anyone to reply to this but I would like to use this thread as an occasional venting space/diary of sorts if MN would allow that.

My obsession with LO #3 seems to have almost completely dissipated, which has been very surprising to me as they usually last a lot longer than that. Our last in-person interaction was last week and although they were very happy about my "grand gesture" and didn't think it was weird (thankfully), I kind of lost the spark that I felt for them because, as a result of everything you all shared with me, I realised that I was completely romanticising the idea of them and using that romanticised idea of them for the dopamine hits. I also realised that I tend to delude myself into thinking that a relationship with the LO is something I desire and could potentially achieve, when in reality neither of those things are true. So for about a week after we interacted I felt basically nothing, but a few days ago they messaged me out of the blue with something which was related to the service they provide to me but that I also felt wasn;t necessary to be texted to me as it could have waited. When the message first came through I felt an intense rush go through my body - the dopamine, excitement etc. But as soon as I began to think about those feelings from an objective perspective I realised it was all fake, basically. Neurochemical trickery. And I quickly felt nothin. Normally this would have sent me absolutely doolaly and I would spend days analysing what it meant but the more I thought about LO, the more I thought that actually, I don't even find them attractive. They dont even fit most of the criteria I would usually go for in a partner but I just fixated on them because they were there, expressed caring feelings towards me and gave me attention.

However, I am also wondering if the sudden disinterest in LO #3 is due to the reappearance of someone else in my life who I wouldn't describe as an LO but maybe a crush? We have developed a close friendship in the past year, the person is single and we have quite a flirty relationship although I've never made any moves towards them. Although I think about them often I wouldnt describe it as an obsession and I don't get the major full body rush from seeing them etc. Only ~light~ feelings of excitement which I assume is what "normal" people feel towards their "normal" crushes. What is interesting about this person is that they are very similar to me - estranged from both parents, have ADHD and have impulsive behaviours although they are a little more stable than me and around 7 years older. I sometimes feel as though I take a caretaking/protective role towards them, which is usually how the LOs behave towards me. I like to make sure this person is safe for example if they are travelling far away, or if they aren't feeling very well, etc etc. If anyone is reading this I'd be interested in your take on that - is this a more healthy type of romantic interest or is it another example of the "reparenting" I am trying to seek but instead of seeking it directly for myself I'm transferring that concept onto another person?

Ah god, just remembered something about the crush though which I suppose makes them fit more of my typical LO criteria. I remember my interest in them intensified when we were working very briefly on a project together (they also work at my workplace although we rarely cross paths professionally). I made a nonchalant comment about an internal stakeholder of sorts who had spoken to me rudely. The crush immediately stormed out of the room to track them down, returned 5-10 mins later and said "rest assured, he won't be speaking to you like that ever again". Was it the protective/parental vibe that intensified my interest? Or is that something that normal people would find attractive too? The mind boggles.

This is an old thread and perhaps you discovered it already, but Crappy Childhood Fairy and other accounts on YouTube have fabulous resources. You are not alone in this. Nurture yourself. Tp🙂

Thank you for reviving this thread, I hope the OP is doing well, I resonated 90% with most posts on this and it’s really helped!