I don’t want to be here anymore.

[Rosemist1988]

I said this to my mum earlier, and have said it many many times over the last twelve months and all I get is ‘what about your children? Are you happy to leave them without a mother?’
I think they’d be better without me, or at least they’d be able to get over it fast.
But I also feel like what about me? What about what I want? Yes, I want them to be ok but there’s so little here for me. I love my children but I wish I’d not had them because now seemingly they tie me to situations I don’t want to be in anymore.
I am so tired. I know objectively I am lucky in so many ways which makes it even worse that I feel like this.
i can’t remember the last time I looked forward to anything or felt anything other than dread, anxiety or sadness. It feels like all the awfulness in the world has curled up and found a space inside me.
My main protective factor is just survival instinct and worrying it would go wrong and I’d end up in an even worse place.
All there is is more of the same, or possibly even worse stuff, when I look forwards.
And ultimately it is all just pointless. If I died in 12 months it would barely matter to anyone but crucially I wouldn’t have to keep getting up and living the life I’m living.
I don’t know why I am posting really. It’s not a cry for help. I’m not going anywhere right now and if I were to do it I’d make damn sure I did it properly because I wouldn’t want to be stopped.
Im struggling against it tonight I suppose. If there were an easy off button I’d press it.

Please if nothing else contact your GP and make an appointment to discuss how you feel. Remember how it felt to be happy- you’ll get back there!!

You need some help so please speak to your gp x
And I can guarantee your child are happier having you in their lives x they wouldn't get over losing you in 12 months 😩
Speak to your gp and see if they can refer you for some help hun x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected] and may find our Domestic Violence information helpful.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We think it's best that we close the thread now so that the OP can seek some help in real life.

Thanks everyone.

I’ve spoken to the GP a couple of times but I’m not going to keep bothering them. They must be sick of people phoning them with MH stuff and to the outside world I’m functioning. It’s just all so joyless. I don’t get pleasure from anything, it’s getting up in the morning and just waiting to go back to bed. That’s it. That’s all there is. I like being asleep best of all because I feel nothing then - that’s why I think I’d be pressing an off button if I had one.