I have a constant feeling of extreme guilt. That I am always letting people down in one way or another.
I feel as though I have no place in the world.
This stems from my eldest son (now 23) being unable to speak due to his disability.
He is the age I was when I gave birth to him, and I constantly compare my life back then to how his is now. I had a relationship, friendships, a job, I could live independently, make my own decisions and talk about how I was feeling - all things he will never be able to do and that I took for granted.
I feel incredibly low, and feel guilty for living the life he was denied.
People tell me he is blissfully unaware of the life he missed out on, but I know that if he had been given a choice as to whether he wanted to be a part of the big wide world or shake a baby's rattle for the rest of his life he would have chosen to have the experiences that most of us take for granted.
I have no idea what caused his disability. To my knowledge I did everything right, but I keep wondering if there was one little thing I could have done differently that I wasn't aware of when pregnant with him that might have changed the whole outcome.
The guilt spills into other areas of my life and I worry about being a burden to anyone if I share how I feel.