Time off work for MH, feel like a fraud

[Nora11]

I am quite an anxious person by nature but can normally manage okay. However the last 2 weeks or so I have been much more anxious and also very tearful. I have had a few instances of crying at work due to feeling overwhelmed by my normal tasks and had to go home twice.

After having to leave on Thursday, I took Friday off and am wondering if I need to take even more time, maybe even get signed off, as I'm just not bouncing back like I normally do after an anxious moment.

However, I feel like I have no right to feel like this. My job is not very stressful, I enjoy it on the whole and like my colleagues. My boss is very supportive. I have a great relationship with my husband. I don't have kids to look after. Although not loaded, we are financially secure compared to a lot of people right now.

I feel like other people just get on and deal with all kinds of stressful situations, like serious illness, bereavements etc. while I cant even manage a pretty straightforward low stress life.

The one thing I do have going on which I think has triggered all this is infertility, topped off with an early miscarriage in July after we thought we'd finally managed a miracle 😢 even then I feel like it doesn't count because we've only been trying for less than 3 years and not even reached the stage of IVF yet when I know some people go through years and years of treatments. And I was only 7 weeks where other people cope with later losses which must be just unimaginably hard.

I guess I'm just looking for validation. I'm worried that I'm being melodramatic and that things aren't actually bad enough for me to need time off. That I have just "worked myself up" and I just need to pull myself together, get back to work and that I'll be okay. But I already tried that last week and it obviously didn't work!

I also don't want people to get fed up of me being upset at work and write me off as a drama queen!

And finally I'm scared that if I can't cope now, I'll never be able to handle life when/if I do get the baby I am desperately hoping for. When things will no doubt be much busier and stressful!

Thank you to anyone who has made it through reading this.

Take the time you need. Maybe have a chat to the dr, there are lots of underlying issues that can leave you feeling this way even without any stress eg thyroid issues, low B12/ferritin.
Hormones still racing around can also leave you struggling. I’m sorry for your loss
There is support available and Tommy’s have bereavement trained midwives available online or by phone if you need to talk. Take the time you need to heal, MH is just as important as physical health. Take care of yourself.
www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support

It sounds like you really need looking after now, rather than letting it all build up. You said you feel worried about coping in the future with a family. Getting support and healing now should help you be stronger later.

Would you feel comfortable with being open with your manager? Might it be appropriate?

You've been hurt and are grieving. However early in a pregnancy a miscarriage happens, you are still losing all your hopes and dreams along with the baby. You are justified in your grief. I too am sorry for what you have been through.

It is true, and regrettable, that MH issues still have a stigma not attached to physical injury.

Look after yourself, you deserve care and attention and support as much as anyone.

I'd urge you to consult your GP

Thank you so much for both of your replies. Every time someone says to me I am justified in feeling this way I start crying haha- even on here! It's like for a moment I've been given permission to fully feel it.

I have actually been quite open with my manager, everyone at work has been so supportive and I've been told to take the time I need but I still feel guilty about the idea of taking any more time off. Even though everyone has been lovely I'm scared deep down they are annoyed at me or don't really understand why I'm being like this, maybe that's anxiety talking.

I'm reluctant to go to the GP but will do if I have to. I'm organising counselling privately and don't feel at a point where I want to take any medications, and I've had a lot of blood tests done for fertility issues that all came back normal so the only benefit would be a sick note really and I'm not sure if I need one or if it would be overreacting, and potentially make things worse in the long run as it might be harder to go back to work. I've already arranged today off but after that I just don't know what to do.

I'm also scared of taking time off now that I might need more later down the line for fertility treatment (especially if it fails 😢).

I was only pregnant for a few weeks but I wished for that baby for so long. For that short time I was so so happy (anxious but happy) and I just wish I could have that again.

How are you now, @Nora11 ?

Thanks for checking in with me @MrsRuggles. I am feeling a bit more balanced now and have started back at work but am working from home. I am just doing some easy tasks and feeling a bit silly for how anxious I feel, but glad to be back to it. I think if I had taken longer off it would have made it even harder to come back. I haven't had a proper catch up with my boss yet but they are willing to let me do a phased return and/or more WFH which will definitely help. I just need to make myself accept it and not try to go straight back to normal immediately even though I'm worried people will think I'm being a baby or taking the piss.

I feel like I have some kind of imposter syndrome where I just can't accept my feelings and what a struggle it has been are actually real. As if I'm making it up or exaggerating - but I'm not, these are my real feelings!! But I feel like I'm on the right track. I have a counselling appointment this evening so hopefully that will be helpful.

@Nora11 Hi Nora,

I am so sorry for your loss.
I went through something similar. I had an MC years ago with my ex partner. I was devastated, the loss itself affected me so much I had to get help. I had therapy and I was put on medication. I was 7 weeks too when it happened. I think we have the right to mourn that tiny little life that never stood a chance so I don't think you are overreacting at all.

I am married now to my lovely DH and we are struggling to have a baby. I had 2 rounds of IVF and 3 failed embryo transfers.
Infertility is awful and the pain is real so don't be hard on yourself. It doesn't matter if you have been TTCing for a short time or you haven't reached the IVF stage yet. Your feelings and your pain are real and there is no need to feel like a fraud. You need time to heal and find ways to cope better with the whole situation. You need to surround yourself with loving and understanding people that will support you during this tough journey.

Sending you a big hug!

I had an early miscarriage too in august, don’t be so hard on yourself it’s still so recent. I was seven weeks too and it really broke my heart. The hormones were also dreadful to deal with. Honestly, it’s perfectly reasonable to feel this way.

I think you are really minimising your struggles here. Infertility and miscarriages have to be some of the most painful things anyone can experience. And you are not a fraud to be struggling. It sounds like your self esteem is a bit low, your feelings actually are important!

I think it might be sensible to take a short time off work while figuring out what you need to do to improve your mental health. Maybe medication and some kind of talk therapy. If you are not well it is sensible to go to the doctor and do what is needed to be well again.

Thank you so much everyone who has commented. This thread has really helped me to start accepting how I'm feeling. So sorry for your losses/fertility struggles @Lotusflower16 and @Yummymummy2020

I found it a bit harder than I expected getting back to work even though I'm working from home. Struggling to concentrate and get things done except for straightforward tasks. I just feel so sad and hopeless and have cried every day, and my anxiety is still very high. I am going to try and keep going on Monday and hope things improve but will try and be honest with my boss that I am struggling. I had my first counselling session which felt like it took a little weight off me so hopefully that will keep helping. Everyone is being so supportive but I'm scared that if I don't start improving soon they will get fed up of me. 😢

My period is about to start so really hoping I feel slightly better after that! I always get emotional and teary around this time anyway so it's definitely not helping now...!