Depressed husband - advice needed

[Straws123]

Honest advice needed. My husband and I have been together 9 years and have a 6 month old.

For the last year he has changed completely and is a shell of the person he used to be. He never had depression before now. He is withdrawn, obsessed with work and his phone, irritable and struggling to connect to our child although he is doing his best on this front. I recently discovered that he has been flirting with a co worker. I feel ashamed to say this but I looked on his phone and saw the messages. I just had a feeling but it was wrong of me to read them. He says that there was nothing to it and they are just friends. He gets extremely angry when I’ve tried to talk to him about it and says that im making his depression worse.

He told me he was depressed a few months ago and I have tried to support him. I persuaded him to try counselling. He went a few times but has given up as he feels it wasn’t helping. He refuses to see the GP and won’t consider antidepressants. He doesn’t know why he is depressed. I have tried to be supportive but I know I’m failing him as I’m feeling very emotional
about the situation and making things worse. I just don’t know how to help him. He doesn’t want to talk to me or any one about this. I love him very much but I just don’t know what to do.

Unless and until he's prepared to help himself then there's nothing you can do, apart from look after yourself. If this means withdrawing from the relationship to protect your child then so be it. Can you go and stay with family or friends in the short term?

Keep in mind that this is 100% HIS responsibility, not yours.

Yes I can go and stay with my family. I just don’t want him to feel like I’m abandoning him. I also feel terrible moving his child away from him. I worry about him, he has said awful things like we would be better without him. This panicked me recently I reached out to his Mum who lives close by as I was scared for him and I didn’t know what to do after he had said something along those lines. He is furious that I did this as he doesn’t want anyone to know. I deeply regret this action but in the moment I didn’t know what else to do. I realise now it wasn’t the right thing. I just feel terrible about how I’m handling this and I wish i could do more. Everything I do seems to be wrong.

There's no cure for depression. Medication will numb those feelings though but obviously he has to speak to the GP about that.

I could have written this. Other than him agreeing to get help and then refusing at the last minute. I have cried, screamed, shouted, begged. He admits he has a problem but will not do anything about it. This has been going on for 8 months since I was 5 months pregnant. He made our house toxic with his attitude and as it got worse he became verbally abusive. Final straw was when he called me a cunt in front of our children so I took them to my parents and told him we would be back when he had moved out. He left a week ago. I know it feels like you would be abandoning him because I feel exactly the same about my situation.
Maybe you leaving will be what he needs to get help, maybe it won't make the slightest difference to him. But you need to realise that you can't help him until he is ready to help himself. I chose not to have my children around while we waited for my ex to hit rock bottom, it's a decision only you can make but please don't blame yourself. It's a horrendous thing to try to deal with

There are many cures for depression, of which some include medication.

A few things in your OP concern me a bit - the flirting and saying you're making his depression worse if you mention it. That sounds manipulative and gaslighting.

On the other hand, having a baby is a huge upheaval and it can take quite a long time for things to settle down and feel normal again. There's a period where you do have to give each other the benefit of the doubt a fair bit and just pull through.

The bottom line has to be that you're not prepared to live with someone who is depressed and withdrawn but refuses to do anything about it. You are not responsible for managing his mental health. You need support too, and he's not giving it. I'd sit him down and say you're not prepared for things to go on this way and if he keeps hiding his head in the sand then you'll end up separating.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that you are not abandoning him, but that the situation is not going to change if nothing changes.

As he's not prepared/ready to do anything to help himself then it falls to you to protect your own mental health so you are taking the necessary steps to do this. I know this sounds cold but you are not responsible for his happiness and he WILL drag you down over time.

I recently discovered that he has been flirting with a co worker.

There it is. I don't think this is depression, it's him wanting you to end it because he's too much of a coward to do it himself. His head has been turned and he thinks the grass is greener on the other side.

Even if he is suffering with depression, he has to bear the responsibility of getting help, and him being abusive to you is totally unacceptable. I'd be laying down some very clear expectations and making changes if he isn't willing to get help.

My mother stuck it out when I was born and my father was terribly depressed. They stayed together and he became the best father and loved the toddler and young years. I think it’s possible that fatherhood and the responsibility of a new born has perhaps led to depression. I’m sure post-natal depression affects men too. Anyway they were married for seven years before the birth so they got through it with professional help, medication and good family support. My aunt looked after me a lot to let my parents have a break.
I hope you can work it out together but definitely get him to get medication to help the depression. As for the messages to another woman, it’s wrong but hopefully you can say that it needs to stop as it’s making you doubt his faithfulness and causing insecurity. Good luck to you OP and look after yourself and your baby.

Thank you for all of your messages. It is very helpful to hear you say things that I’ve been mulling over.

This only works if he's willing to accept treatment, which the OP has said he isn't. Love alone won't save this.

How often do you have sex with him?

Why do you ask that?