Help with this fear/anxiety

[WhatsThatSonh]

I have mild anxiety, which usually flares up postpartum, but lately it's been getting worse.

I currently have an awful fear of bed bugs.

I have been a bit worried about them since finding out they exist, but since our last holiday it has spiralled completely out of control. The place wasn't spotless and I convinced myself there must have been bed bugs. I put all our belongings in the garage when we got back and boiled washed/poured boiling water over EVERYTHING before allowing it back into the house (family of 5, lots of children toys, clothes, pram etc). It was weeks of work.

I haven't calmed down since. I'm so anxious about school starting again imagining DC will mix with so many children they are bound to bring bedbugs home. I'm considering getting then to get changed as soon as they get home and putting uniforms/bags in a sealed box when they get home. I won't, as I don't want to pass on my anxiety and DH won't let me, but I am freaking out.

Even on normal happy days, I'm constantly being triggered. Walking past charity shops (wondering what bed bugs may be hiding in the stuff), hearing about second hand uniform sales, seeing children backpacks in shops (I imagine bed bugs crawling all over the zips), seeing celebrity Instagrams showing their holiday, hearing the words "hotel", "suitcase" or of anyone travelling to the US where they are more prevalent. It sends my heart racing and I can barely breathe.

I am hesitant about having children over for playdates, or letting my DDs go to one, don't like sitting on soft furnishings in restaurants, can't bear the thought of public transport (I commuted everyday by train&tube for years without giving it a thought before), haven't taken my children to the library for ages as I am worried about bringing books with bed bugs home.

When I lie in bed I often feel an itch, or something crawling on me. There is never anything there.

I don't know what to do. I am crying seeing what I have written and how fucked up my mind is.

I have had cbt before but even if I try to rationalise away from the worst case scenario in my head (we will definitely have them and never get rid of them and our lives will be ruined), I still think it may be possible we'll get them some day and that thought is too much for me to bear.

I'm struggling :(

When did this fear start, when did you discovered that they existed?

Your rational, conscious mind knows that this phobia isn't logical but there's a part of your emotional, subconscious mind has overridden what's rational and set up a massive fear reaction. Your mind isn't working against you - it absolutely believes it's doing what's right to keep you safe.

Knowing when, where and how this started is the key to stopping it.

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake . I first heard about it from a friend in the US. I thought it sounded horrible at the time but it didn't seem an immediate threat. It started to make me anxious when my last baby was born (10 months ago).

I tend to get anxious post partum, but mostly about the outside world. So in the house with my baby I feel so happy and safe. I think it's the worry of something like this impacting my safe haven and having nowhere left to go, that is making it so all consumingly scary.

I also get horrified imagining putting my beautiful babies down at night knowing there might be bugs waiting to bite them.

I'd feel like I was a failure of a mother for not being able to provide them a safe place to sleep.

I sometimes don't even know if I am over the top or if everyone else always took precautions to not let them into the home, and I was just careless before?

The problem also is that I have spent the last few months googling, reading horror stories about them etc which has fed the anxiety to another level. And now online I just get targeted with pest control ads, articles on the sun like "our holiday bed bug nightmare" so I get triggered constantly, and feel like they are so common as the media are talking about them all the time, so it's not a question of IF we'll get them but WHEN.

One of my best friends was supposed to come to stay last week and I cancelled as I knew she'd been on multiple holidays this year and I couldn't bear the thought of her luggage in my house ;(

It's crippling.

You're right, it is crippling but it is also irrational, as you know.

You've learnt about bed bugs, you've researched bed bugs, you've endlessly read up on bedbugs. What's driving that obsession? Have you ever actually encountered one or known anyone personally who's ever been affected by them? I guessing that you haven't. I haven't (despite having travelled extensively in less than sanitary conditions), no one I know has ever seen one, and they are very rare in developed countries with efficient detergents and regular cleaning.

Your phobia is fixated on them but there's something else underlying it - could it be a feeling of something which is outside of your control that's so unsettling you?

Have you spoken to your GP or health visitor about your fears?

Ok OP. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. The level of alert on this is not normal and it’s affecting your life and ability to function properly. So it needs to be a visit to the GP. I think CBT is not going to work on it’s own here and your mental health may need some medical management. You and so many of us so don’t be afraid! This anxiety needs properly tackled and treated, like any illness.

So please call your GP tomorrow, you’re going to be doing a lot better soon if you take steps to deal with this illness.

OP, this is psychosis not anxiety

Some of the things in the OP made me think that too (psychosis). Psychosis CAN be caused by the anxiety but it definitely needs to be looked at. OP, can you try to access mental health help?

OP I can't offer advice as I am exactly the same on another trigger ( but very similar). It has ruled and ruined my life I'm sorry to say. All I can say is that you are not alone, and I hope you can get sorted. Mine goes a bit better, then triggers and off the scale again. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thank you all, the fear went away for a bit so i stayed away from the thread and pretended I was fine.

It was triggered again last week when family members came to visit and stayed in a nearby hotel. I had 3 horrendous days where I could barely breathe and felt so awful physically, just constantly on the edge of apanic attack.

I got triggered again massively today as I looked through the pictures that nursery uploaded of my DC. In amongst them was this one, and it looks so much like a bedbug I am now convinced we will get them from there. DH put DC's coat from nursery on the sofa when he got home and I didn't notice til much later and now I am so worried. I have now quarantined it in the garage.

I am taking on board what you said about psychosis @Anxietyriddenx and @Wakemeup17 . How would I know when I am falling into psychosis from anxiety? I think for psychosis I definitely should seek help.

@OneSugarOneSpoon it's awful, I'm sorry you're the same. I have every reason to enjoy life and I can't at all. How long have you and yours if you don't mind me asking?

*it should say "how long have you had yours"

The anxiety induced psychosis will subside when anxiety is under control. Psychosis is a syndrome not an illness in itself. Book an appointment with MH specialist/ GP and tell them everything, they will be better placed to assess than us on the Internet. You wouldn't necessary know you were slipping into psychosis, when you are in psychosis everything seems very real.

Hi -
this is an area of mental health I am very familiar with -
it is highly unlikely to be psychosis - so please don’t fall down that rabbit hole if worry
its far more likely to be anxiety based / intrusive thoughts / fear of contamination with bed bugs
that you then try to manage by avoiding, researching, checking, worrying etc
but all those behaviours do is reinforce the irrational fear

i would suggest you speak to GP for review and medication - antidepressant medication can be very effective for this sort of presentation - you have to stick with it though it can take a few weeks at least to start tone down these sort of intrusive thoughts
then back to CBT
you likely need a booster course of CBT as you have experienced a relapse