Is this bipolar or not?

[Isthislife7]

Hi, this is a long one so hopefully someone makes it to the end.

I’ve been with my now husband since we were young, five children together (19,15,12,8,5) we’ve had our ups and downs through the years.

this past year has been the worst but I knew there was something wrong and my husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar (just started meds a little while ago)
during this past year he has spent money we didn’t have, go missing where I’ve had to search for him/call the police as missing, threaten his life, drink a lot, go on rants, say some quite hurtful things to me but to
top it off I discovered him looking at transgender porn, sign up to a transgender sex site and even message a gay man (that we know loosely) for money for favours. We obviously spoke at length about all this and he told me how he didn’t seem to have control over what he was doing and was so embarrassed and ashamed of what he had done. There was more to it but to try and cut it short I decided to try to forgive and be there for him. He’s recently got himself on started on the right path and things are better but I keep check up (some may not agree) on his Google account/Facebook just to check up that he’s not spending money we don’t have/going off the rails as there was evidence of this previously. He doesn’t know. He lost his job during an episode when we didn’t understand what was up with him and hasn’t been working since (hopefully soon though) I work most days and he looks after the children/house. Quite often he goes on “bing” it shows up on his search history. I know from previous that means he’s looking at porn (I have no problem with him looking at porn) but I can’t tell what kind of porn and this is where I need help.

it shouldn’t matter to me what he’s looking at yet I feel like I need to know if it’s transgender or something of that nature. I know it’s not been a good time but this year we’ve probably had sex twice and last year wasn’t much better. Previously he has said things like he doesn’t like using a condom and it makes him nervous that I wasn’t on birth control (I am now due to a medical problem) being on meds before on and off but now I’m paranoid is it me he doesn’t want? Is it all just an excuse and he doesn’t want to leave me because it’s convenient/he’s embarrassed but he just doesn’t fancy me. He will say suggestive things and touch me when he knows we can’t get into it (kids around etc) but when it comes to it he just goes to bed and I feel like crap.

To add on probably 3 other occasions when he has had an episode and gone onto anti depressants (without being diagnosed with bipolar) he has send suggestive and flirty messages to girls that I know of and always said he wouldn’t do it again.

Also just for some further context, I’ve been really unwell through out with a couple of different deficiency’s and only just scrapped through myself which is still ongoing so I don’t know if I’m just overthinking everything as my mind it’s as straight as it could be..

I’m just interested to know how it goes really. My DP has been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, neither of us are surprised and actually quite relieved. I’m not expecting miracles and I also think there are probably quite challenging times ahead.

I think we have been quite lucky in being able to get help early, compared to some stories I have heard about.

I am totally fine with it, leaving isn’t on the radar. I don’t want horror/leave stories. I am just interested in advice and support. What do you think works as a partner from people with experience?

Sending flirty messages and looking at porn could be part of a manic episode which yes he'll struggle to manage without appropriate medication.
You've obviously been together for a long time and it sounds like him looking at transgender porn is a new behaviour. This would suggest that its potentially part of his illness.
Unfortunately with this kind of situation it's hard to say for definite what is caused by the illness and what is him. It sounds like you've both been through the mill recently so I would hope that its part of the illness and give it some time to see if there is a change in his behaviour.
I appreciate this may not be as reassuring as you would want but I don't want to lie to you either.

Just noticed the date on the OP! Hopefully she's ok now

Hi guys! It’s been nearly a year but things are much much better thankfully and I’m glad I’ve stuck it out (not saying that’s the answer for everyone) he was diagnosed and then put on the medication (it was a very long and frustrating process I have to say) and although not always smooth sailing he is doing much better. He can recognise when he’s not feeling great and communicate that to me and I have researched on the subject so am much better informed. It doesn’t help our situation that they had said he could be assessed for ADHD also but at the time concentrated on the bipolar to get him a bit more under control. It’s becoming apparent now that some of his “intense emotions” and impulses can also come from that as it’s got a lot of cross over. So we are looking into getting him referred to see what that brings. But on the whole he is much more stable, a better dad/husband. Back into full time work (although this is something we have to watch because he can get obsessive with working overtime and that can cause an episode so we have to recognise when he’s doing too much) and just overall more on the ball. I hope this helps and if you have any more specific questions I can try my best to answer as well. 💕