Shyness really starting to get me down now

[lostittoday]

Hi
I have been shy all of my life and have found that since I had my ds it has upset me even more.

I do not have any friends and as a consequence of that my ds does not have any children of his age to ever play with or for us to share trips to the park etc with.
It has always been just me and my ds.

I do have a dp who works long hours and I do have a part time job where I meet a few people but I have never made a good freind in anyone.

I realise that alot of it is my fault due to my inability to be able to make small talk with poeple and always shying away from trying to do so.

The truth is that I have not got a clue on what to talk about with people can never think of anything to say and worry that I may say the wrong thing or may appear nosey.

I hate taking my son to and from school I do try and talk to other moms but struggle to know what to say and I always feel that I am on the outside trying to break into a conversation which is not really any of my business.

I hate taking my ds to partys as alot of the time I sit there not saying alot.
I do try to engage in conversation but I feel as though I am simply always breaking into others conversation and am not really part of it.

I never seem to get past just saying hello to people.
My son recenly joined scouts and after 2 months I had not got past just saying hello to people sometimes not even that.
Everybody else seemed to know each other or have some association outside of scouts as well.
My son has recently given scouts up though
It sounds terrible but I was glad I didn't have take him anymore as I hated how I felt.

I am sorry if I sound pathetic but is there anybody else like me or is it me.

You are not alone. I was very shy as a child, but as an adult the shyness seemed to go as my job involved meeting lots of people and public speaking. Now I am a mum I find it is back again as I don't feel as confident as I did at work.

Confidence is obviously the key, you need to find something that you are confident at be it a job, pastime or voluntary work and I am sure your shyness will subside as your confidence grows. If I am passionate about something I can talk the hind leg off a donkey.

If you find the secret please let me know. I really struggle with small talk and I know that I sometimes appear aloof.

Hi
I know exactly how you feel. I've never had much confidence and alway found making friends difficult. I moved away from my home town last august and with a lot of pushing from my dh have finally made friends with one mum from school recently. But every time I try to talk to someone new I almost have a mini panic attack and have to build myself up to it.

Hi,

I'm not very shy but can relate to what you've said about struggling to talk to other Mums at school - I don't often take ds's to school as I work full-time but when I do I'm really relieved if I get away with not having to make any small talk!

Has your ds got friends he's made at school - does he go to their parties or sleepovers? I've seen lots of parents bring books to parties that they have to stay at - I think most parents are an unsociable lot unless they know each really well.

It's really tricky... How are you on Mumsnet? Do you find it easier to 'chat' on-line? It's a good place to practice!

I know where you're coming from, I used to be very much like you. I'm better now, but only really cope with people in small groups - I panic when I'm one to one with people.

It was so bad that when my exp had friends to stay I just shut myself in my room.

My DH was very helpful in getting me to talk to people - also I see how lonely my mum is and she was exactly the same and I really don't want to be the same.

I do find it very hard - but I find people like a smiler and a listener and sometimes I have to impose my self on people - by being helpful - helping out at clubs etc. By getting involved in things on a regular basis, the social network started.

It is so hard and I still never feel comfortable but it is making me a little more confidant in social situations.

I'll be your friend - I like friends.

I think sometimes it helps to have a couple of set topics in your head, in case you bump into anyone (I do this a bit at work). So it could be the school letter about nits/exams/school event like a party, school fair - anything at all, so you've got a comment or two in your head that means you're not struggling for something to mention. Once you say one thing, with a bit of luck it either leads to another sentence, or it's time to go!

I can really sympathise. I can be really shy but then also really outgoing (a well-known trick for covering shyness for more people than would care to admit ). I agree with Madrose, people like a smiler and a listener. I don't have experience of gangs of mums at the school gates (though I can imagine what it's like) but if you walk up to a group of people expecting them to reject you then they most likely will. However if you walk up to a group of people with a smile and a hello and put on your most confident mask (even if you're trembling inside) and keep smiling and ask other people questions and look as if you belong there - then you'll be surprised at the reactions you get. Having a couple of topics up your sleeve as Dottydot says is a good idea.

Just try it and go for it! Good luck!

Hi
Dottydot

My ds does have his best buddies at school and he gets invited to quite a few partys.

He also has playdates after school even though I never speak to the moms whose children he has here.
I am surprised they let them come when I have hardly spoken to them but I am pleased they do.

I do find it easier to talk online although I have only recently gained confidence to do so.
I just don't seem to have the ability to even try and make friends it always feels easier to not bother.

Everybody else seems so much better at it than me.

Thanks so much for all of your suggestions.

My boss at work is quite an introvert but in his job has to meet lots of new people, chair meetings etc. He always makes an effort to talk to people at lunches (I usually head for the loos to escape) and I think it's kind of a discipline - he makes himself do it. He always asks people questions - means you can start a conversation off but if it's with a question then someone will naturally answer it and probably give lots of info. if you look like you're interested - nodding, agreeing etc.

I think it's practice and making yourself do it even if you don't really want to - with a bit of luck you'll find someone who is actually really interesting and turns out to be a friend!

It's definitely easier not to bother!

But look at all the converstion you've stimulated on this thread - it's really good - you've got lots of people interested and making helpful comments. Keep mumsnetting and starting up threads - another good way to start up a conversation - have a go on Mumsnet with any kind of question and you'll get people chatting away!

Good luck - it's great your ds gets invited to parties and things by the way - lovely for him (as someone who worries about her very introverted son!).

Lostittoday: sorry I have to disagree with you on one point there. Everybody else is NOT so much better at making friends than you! As you say, they only SEEM that way. Only the most hardheaded arrogant sh*ts in the world don't care what everyone else thinks about them. Really. Most people worry farrrrr more than you think they do about what they're going to say next etc etc etc. Please believe me!

It's easier said than done, I know, but do please try and get out there. Practise on here, practise on the lady behind the supermarket checkout, practise whenever you get the chance And try and enjoy it and not make it a "chore" for yourself.

Just a quick link for the OP

improving confidence bbc site - it has a few exercises/tips - perhaps a good place to formally think about overcoming shyness?

HTH

Oh and another thing - people LOOOOOVVVEEEE talking about themselves more than anything else. So if you do what Dottydot's boss does (ask people lots of questions, preferably about their fave topic, themselves) then you're well away!!

Hi
JaneHH
You are probably right there.

I Have gone through a lifetime of avoiding social situations and shying away from talking to people that I haven't allowed myself any practice.

If I do try to talk to people I feel so nervous that it must show to others I can hear my voice tremble I worry about this.

Its so awful.

I am so grateful for all of your suggestions and for you taking the time to reply.

And parents LOVE talking about their children, so either of the following will get people wittering away...

"Has yours had that cold/cough/flu/tummy bug yet?" (you don't even have to remember said child's name! ) Nothing we like more than talking about our child's health.

"Is yours finding school hard?" - the show offs will go on about what a genius their child is and the ones who are worried will be glad someone's asking...

Fab idea from dotty, I am also very shy but nobody would believe it, I put on a persona of a bubbly confident person and try to remember one fact about everybody I see in passing, this can just be pickked up from overheard conversations, they will never remember, so you are stood on your own at school gate and mum1 comes along
you Hows your mum doing after that fall
her blah, blah, blah etc etc
Doesn't take long before you become part of conversations in your own right.
All true friendships start with starngers. I am one of those people that spouts stupid things and then spends days regretting it, even on here.
Also seems like you have lots of new friends on MN

Hi Lostittoday

Can I just ask how old you are and how you found making friends at school yourself? You have a DP and have proved you are capable of sustaining a relationship with someone. Your DP loves you and finds you interesting so you can bet your bottom dollar others will too!!

Got to re-iterate what others are saying. Most people adore talking about themselves so questions are fab icebreakers and when someone starts talking about themselves you can usually find some common ground. I go through lots of shy phases and always find questions work!

cherryred - dp is brilliant at remembering key things about people! I'm rubbish at it and feel guilty that it probably means I don't care enough, but my mind doesn't seem to hold useful stuff...

Hi lostitoday
You definitely are not the only one. I suffer from shyness and lack of self esteem and the problem seems to be getting worse as I get older. I spend most of the time convinced no-one likes me or that people think I'm not worth spending time listening to. I seem to be in a rut at the moment and feel very isolated but have resolved to at least try to talk to people a little more - its very easy to give up and not make the effort. Does all this come with middle age and children I wonder?

Hi
notalone
Sorry about the delay in answering your question.

I am 37 years of age.
You would think that I would have got over this by now wouldn't you.
I was very quiet at school and probably only really had one or two friends was never that much of a mixer.
The truth of the matter is that I am not getting any better there is people that would like to talk to me at my ds school but I would rather avoid than have to strike up a conversation.
I worry all of the time about thinking of things to talk about when really I would love to be at ease and chat away.

Yes I do have my dp and have managed to sustain a long relationship with him.
In all honesty he himself is in no ways a extrovert either.
I worry about our influence mine especially on our ds I don't want him to be like me.

The trouble is that due to my shyness he probably misses out on things.
I do not have any friends with children for him to play with so feel he misses out on that.
I also find it difficult to go to any child activites as all other moms seem to be with other moms and their children.
I feel like a freak at times and really odd.

shakymum
I think that once you have children you begin to realise how important it is to be more confident for your childrens sake. As I have said they can miss out on alot if they have a shy mom, and one who especially does not have any friends with other children.
This is the hardest part for me.

Hi Lostittoday

I am sorry for delay too - not very good really are we lol.

I have done the avoidance thing too on occasion and then after I kick myself for being so silly. I would suggest next time you are at your DS's school just observe the dynamics for a while. See who are the ones in groups but also look for the ones standing on their own too. Not everyone huddles together and it may be easier for you on a one to one basis. Its also ideal as you probably only have a few minutes before the kids come out and chaos reigns once more. Just keep it to small talk for now - eg the awful weather today, the parents evening / school fete / school trip coming up etc. People love talking about themseves so ask plenty of questions too. If you can do this once it will really boost your confidence. Perhaps look for the mums of your DS's friends too as you will have something in common - you childrens friendship. Also, if you can bear it perhaps arrange som playdates for your son, it will benefit him and you may feel more comfortable on home territory.

I don't know many mums with kids myself as I live in an area where I don't really know many people but I just think sod it and take DS anyway. The cinema, picnics and parks are particularly good. The only one I avoid is softplay as that does tend to be one place where people don't really go alone. I love it and Ds and I have some lovely quality time.

Can I ask where you met your DP? He was a stranger once too so you must have been good at the small talk when you met him!!! Also what sort of a place do you work at?

Hi lostittoday!
I just wanted to say that I used to be terribly shy and hit with the weirdness gene to boot so I always felt like an outsider and found it very hard to make friends.
I managed to overcome it by forcing myself to make small talk after I read a book explaining how to mirror peoples behaviour and to ask a lot of questions when talking to people.
I always thought that small talk was a load of bs and I couldnt really be bothered with it but it really does work.
I have been lucky enough to find good friends as weird as me now!
Remember though, more people that you would think are shy, even those who come across as very confident or even unfriendly(which, I am told, is what I used to do)so bear that in mind when talking to people, it helps to stop you feeling intimidated.
Anyway, I hope that helps you a bit xx

What an excellent thread! I am also almost crippled socially by shyness. It isn't helped by the fact that I was bullied at school as I was a late developer and then when puberty kicked in I became extremely self conscious since the people who picked on me for being under developed then turned on me for turning into a "woman" overnight basically!

Girls are mean mean mean and I have also had very bad luck meeting new people and "putting myself out there" mostly because I am a bit of a doormat to be honest and apparantly abusive people pick up on this. I met a guy I really liked only to find out he was 2 timing me (actually try 5 timing me!) with other women, one of whom I met at a party HE invited me along to (obviously not realising we would meet) and I knew nothing about her - until her and her friends locked me in a room and basically beat me up!!! Needless to say that didn't help the confidence issue.

I overcame my shyness a little bit in a bad way by drinking which got me in a lot of trouble. I pulled myself through this phase somehow but pretty much had a nervous breakdown. As a result, I am not quite as much of a doormat as I used to be as I have got rid of all the "friends" I made whilst going clubbing and drinking etc since we were all kinda co dependantly destroying each other. I had some hypnotherapy to overcome my panic attacks so I can hold down a job and just be more kinda on the level but ran out of money so couldn't afford as many sessions. Then my mum died very suddenly - she was not old - which has again knocked me down a bit. I sometimes feel like whenever I try and act confident and actually start believing in my self worth, something happens to "punish" me which I also realise is part of the shyness.

My mum had become a close friend to me so when she died I felt really lost - I still do. However, she was always reserved and a bit of a doormat letting people away with all kinds of behaviour just to "keep the peace" which is probably where I have learnt this behaviour from but she was never really "shy" as such.

I don't have any real close friends any more but I don't want to make any more "fake" and shallow friendships which drain your energy so sometimes it is better to hold out until you meet someone you can really relate to rather than making shallow small talk with every stranger you meet - I feel this can make me feel even more worthless as they never really give a sh!t about what you are saying and all they wanna do is talk about themselves. I hate small talk anyway which makes things even harder. It feels like such a waste of time. I know I appear aloof and maybe even people think I am stuck up but I am sooooo not. It is so hard.

Anyway, maybe you could look at some websites on "Social Anxiety Disorder" as I found this to be what I was suffering from rather than just being shy. I don't know if it will match what you are feeling but it's worth a look.

I haven't been to 1 antenatal class because I am so shy at the moment and so full of pregnancy hormones that I can't face the thought of meeting new people (DH is working long long hours just now so I would have to go on my own) and making "small talk" about being pregnant etc cos I HATE HATE HATE talking about myself and you can't really have a conversation without sharing info about yourself... I think I feel telling people about me gives them ammunition to use against me you know?

ANyway, I am going to post this message b4 I chicken out or even before I say too much for once!!!!

Good luck with trying to build your self esteem - it is true, your DH loves you and you have a beautiful child who I am sure you will encourage to be confident since you know what a debilitating thing shyness is. Also, the frustrating thing is that people who are shy and sensitive usually make really great, trustworthy, kind, considerate and caring friends/partners but it is extremely difficult for us all to find each other cos we are usually the most aloof and unapproachable ones at the school gates that you think "I am NOT talking to her! She looks like she would bite my head off!!!!" I know that people I am close to now tell me in all honesty that they either "saw me around but were too scared to talk to you" or "thought you were a stuck up b!tch"!!!! Now they know me, they know I am just shy.

One final thing - I bet when you are with your DH you can be yourself (most if not all of the time?) as I am the same and it is so frustrating to think "why can't I just be myself all the time?!?"

Some people who are the chattiest loudest least shy people are also the most annoying and obnoxious!!! I would rather be me than them... Just a little more confident.

Take care and best of luck!!!