In desperate need of help

[AbsolutelyFuckingSick]

Sorry this maybe long. I am in a total state. I've had cptsd for more years than I care to admit and nothing, I mean nothing has helped. I'm on meds upto my eyeballs which normally let me function, albeit not well but can manage basic tasks. These last few weeks I don't know what has happened. I haven't slept for more than an hour a night, I can drift off, then woken up by yet another nightmare which spins me out of control and I spend the rest of the time shaking and double checking the doors are locked and I fucking locked them in the first place.
I may not be able to continue on my meds as I can't get some of the tests done as I could not manage a hospital without completely freaking out with panic. What on earth do I do then?! I feel so completely helpless. My work is suffering, I'm just about keeping my head above water so still under the radar so to speak.
I can't go on with no sleep, but I'm terrified to sleep because of the nightmares My gp is, well, I don't really know, now it's all "you need the tests or I'm stopping your meds" funny they didn't give a rats ass during covid. The mental health team have failed me in countless occasions. Appointment for talking therapy, I turn up, "oh she's on the sick" and I hear no more, chase them up and my referral has been cancelled because I didn't turn up I find it difficult to trust people anyway but after that I can't bring myself to even attempt to use their service again.
I'm just lost. I am dreading my dcs going to their dads as the temptation to just make friends with my stash of tablets will be so much higher when I'm on my own. I'm not even sure why I'm posting

I hope you're okay, this happened to my twin sister. She kept having nightmares while on tablets for anxiety and depression and the doctors took ages to help her. She has horrible nightmares every night, I think they lowered her dose in the end. Hope you are okay x

So sorry to hear, that sounds really tough. Have you tried contacting the charity Mind for support/ideas ?

Thanks both. I haven't tried Mind, will give that a go when I feel up to it. Everything is just an uphill at the moment. I have no idea what will happen if my meds are stopped, I won't cope at all. Maybe that's for the best.

I had similar and Mind did me more harm than good. I had 6 sessions of therapy and then had to go on a waiting list for more which would have been with a different therapist. I never did end up getting those sessions as the wait was so long, over 2 years.

I eventually saved up enough money to speak to a private therapist. I've been with him for over 2 years and only recently reached a point where I realised that I was making a lot of progress. It took me this long just to really trust him.

Trauma can often take long term work and my personal experience is that Mind and its associates in a lot of areas aren't always set up for that.

I'm pleased you are getting to a better place. I wish I could afford private therapy but it's just not something I can even consider at the moment.
I often feel like the gp thinks I don't want to help myself, refusing the tests etc but going into a hospital would have my sobbing in a corner unable to move. Even a blood test with that strap thing around my arm triggers me

Yeah you don't want to go inpatient if you can help it. Restful places they are not. Just manage your expectations with Mind. They mostly deal with mild stuff. People

I got lucky with my counsellor, he sees me for a lot less than his usual rate. May be worth looking into as a lot of them do sliding scales.

One near me goes down to as little as £12 per session for those on low income.

Sorry it lost a bit of my post. Should have said: they mostly deal with mild stuff. People like us who have major trauma to deal with tend to be a bit outside their remit.

Sorry you are feeling like this. Ring the crisis team. Have you been assessed for your mental health before. If not they should be able to do that though I know it can take a few weeks. If you are taking that many meds it might be them making you feel worse you may need to start lowering the dose but don’t do that on your own. Why do you need to go to hospital can they not do it at your gp surgery.

The hospital is for tests I need to stay on the meds, that I've been on for years but that's another rant I guess. The tests they need to do is something I could not cope with and apparently they do it at the surgery anyway. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. It really does feel like no one quite knows what to do with me
I saw someone from the crisis team a couple of years ago, gave me diazepam and told me to contact the gp.
I think I'll take to the wine tonight, may get some sleep at least