does this ever get better?

[bleakandsad]

Hi

Not sure where to start this or why i'm posting.

I think I either have very severe PND (baby is 11 months old) or I'm just an awful awful person who should never have become a mother. Maternity leave was dreadful - just sad and stressful and no joy. I went back to work (had to for money) and i feel like a dreadful mother because I'm not with him. But when I do try to spend time with him, it's clear he's not interested and hates me, and only wants cuddles and fun with dad. I couldn't breastfeed due to blood loss / NICU / intensive care at birth so failed him in that way too.

How does this ever get better? Does it ever get better? The first year of his life has basically been awful and I feel like nothing can repair the damage that will have been done. I have no idea how to pull myself out of this. (fwiw i already take medication and do therapy - there isn't anything else on the mental health menu). Everyone else i know is chipper and joyful and having wonderful instagram moments with their babies and pregnancies, and I feel so completely alone.

I'm sure people far more experienced than me will be along soon but one thing jumped out at me "The first year of his life has basically been awful and I feel like nothing can repair the damage that will have been done."

I certainly don't remember my first year of life and nor does anyone else so please don't think for a moment that you've done one iota of damage to your son. He also doesn't have the capacity to hate you (or anyone else) at the moment but maybe he's picking up on your tension.

Please speak to your therapist ASAP about how you feel, or your GP.

Hi there’s a good saying
“Don't judge the outside of someone else's life with the inside of yours.”
What you see on Instagram is a moment. No one is going to post a pic of when they haven’t managed to get washed and dressed, the house is a tip or the baby screaming. It’s just a few seconds from a life when things looked lovely. Everyone has moments like you’re feeling.

Your baby doesn’t hate you and you’re not a bad person at all. It’s very hard going back to work but you’re doing it to support your family. Do you have friends with babies a similar age that you meet up with? I always found that very supportive hearing what everyone else was dealing with. You didn’t fail because you couldn’t breast feed and I can imagine the birth was extremely traumatic if you/your baby were in intensive care. I’m not surprised you feel like you do.
Have you spoken to your doctor about how your feeling? If not it’s worth starting there to get some support. Don’t struggle alone xx