In despair with PND

[BonesOfWhatYouBelieve]

DD2 is 15 weeks and I just cannot cope anymore. I have PND, and combined with utterly shit sleep I just don't know what to do.
DD never sleeps unless held - last night was awful, she quite literally didn't go down in her crib for more than 5 seconds at a time without waking. Daytime naps are the same. DH is wonderful, and taking her for more than half the night so that I can sleep, but he works during the day and I think my PND is just too severe to manage.
I'm under the perinatal mental health team, but I can't get through to them and I genuinely don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I can barely get out of bed. And I know it will get better etc etc, but I need for it to be better now, or for someone to help me. I just feel totally alone (this is unreasonable of me, DH is exhausting himself working and taking DD overnight), and I don't understand how I am supposed to care for a baby while barely able to function.
What do I do?

Oh OP 💕 I didn’t want to read and run but I suspect I’ll be useless. How old is DD1? Is she returning to school soon? Can you afford for a babysitter to look after DD2 for a few adhoc hours during the day? What do you think is the main problem you’d like to prioritise is: perhaps getting more sleep, getting some “you” time, maybe DD is difficult and you want help getting her into a routine, all of the above, something else entirely? Did you have PND first time round also? Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

DD1 is 3 and in nursery, so I really have no excuse to not be coping. And DD2 is a actually an easier baby than DD1 was - I couldn't put DD1 down without her screaming.
I would like DD2 to sleep in the crib at night. Or during the day so I can nap. Just one of those happening would make a huge difference. Or her being happy in the pram so I could get out and about more easily.
I did have PND with DD1 but it wasn't as bad. Or maybe it was just easier because I didn't have a toddler waking me up at 6am, or have to deal with toddler bedtime etc. This time DH is wfh and can help a bit in his lunch break, and doesn't have a commute, so I really really should be coping better.

Hi bonesofwhatyoubelieve. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this right now. Pls be kind to yourself though, in that there is no set rule for how much you should or shouldn’t be coping. Have you spoken to the team about possible medication - is this something you think might help?

Is your baby feeding ok do you think? Has the midwife/health visitor ruled out things like tongue tie, meaning she may not be feeding quite as easily?

I had PND with my first baby and it seems like it will never end but as you know from having it with your first DD, it will end and things will become brighter.

Do you have any family or friends close by who could help you with meals or some sleep time for you, or even stay over and could keep you company during some night feeds?

Will DD2 sleep in a sling/carrier? My carrier saved me when my DS wouldn’t go in the pushchair at all at a similar age. I’d put him in the sling and go for as long a walk as I could manage. He’d sleep all the way and I’d get some peace and outside time. It wasn’t as good as a nap but it kept my sanity to get out of the house. I went twice a day for walks.
Does DD have reflux? I only ask because DS did and he would not lie on any flat surface at all.
By 14 weeks I thought I was going to die from sleep deprivation. We started cosleeping because I physically couldn’t carry on. He needed contact and I needed sleep. So I got rid of my pillows and duvet and moved him into my bed. It was still hard with the broken sleep but better for me than the sitting up all night trying to stay awake with baby on my chest. It isn’t the answer to everything and there are many risks to consider but it’s worth a thought if it might help you.

Also agree with pp about friends and family - is there anybody who can come and cuddle baby for a couple of hours to give you some sleep/time off. That could help short term. We don’t have family nearby but when family did visit I was very happy to hand over my tiny baby. Made me feel like a terrible mum but the space to just shower and sleep was great for my mental state.

"so I really really should be coping better"

Please don't be so hard on yourself. A baby and a 3 year old is tough. You are unwell. Try to be kind to yourself and take as much help as you can get.

DH should be helping A LOT in his lunch break. Do you get a lunch break??

Can you try and go to bed really early and get some sleep in while DH can look after the children or the other way round? Just until baby is sleeping better?

My DD was very difficult to put down when she fell asleep. I used to get in the cot with her at night time and climb out once she was sound asleep, or take her for a nap in my bed. I also used to put a worn t shirt that smelled of me in with her, and used extra cellular blankets to "support" her so she still felt "held". It was trial and error, but we gradually got there.

If you don't have other help available agree with maybe looking at a babysitter for an hour or two during the day to give you a proper nap.

Also, are you getting any treatment for the PND?

Is your baby feeding ok do you think?

I think so. She goes three hours between feeds. At night when DH has her, he can settle her back to sleep on him pretty easily without her needing a feed, it's just when she's put down that she wakes. She's also gaining weight just fine.

Will DD2 sleep in a sling/carrier?

I know I sound like I'm just shooting down suggestions now! But I have a neck/shoulder issue and find slings and carriers quite painful. Even handbags I have to be careful with the weight and have on just my left shoulder so I really struggle with baby carriers.

Does DD have reflux?

Not that I'm aware of, and I don't think so. She can quite happily lie on a playmat or on the bed while I sing or play with her etc. And when she wakes up when she's put down she's quite happy - just awake. Obviously she gets unhappy if not picked up (even if we shush/pat etc) but it doesn't seem like lying flat makes her uncomfortable.

DH should be helping A LOT in his lunch break.* Do you get a lunch break??*

Oh he really is helping a lot. Yesterday he had Dd nap on him while he put his laptop on the arm of the sofa and worked like that. He takes her a lot overnight and then sleeps right up until 9am and just gets up and works. I feel awful about how much he's doing while working full time.

Also, are you getting any treatment for the PND?

I have recently started sertraline but it's making me really anxious, and I'm having trouble sleeping even when DD is with DH. I know these are hopefully temporary side effects but I think that's why I'm feeling particularly low right now. I'm hoping it passes soon and they start having a positive effect.

Oh op I really feel for you. Shame about the sling but I know what you mean! My shoulders are now a bit wrecked.
It sounds like she is just really wanting contact to sleep. It’s hard enough when you are well and even worse when you have your own PND to deal with. Be gentle with yourself and lean on DH as much as you can. He sounds great.
Keep trying the pushchair. I moved DS into the stroller seat (rather than bassinet) and got a newborn support for his head, he liked that much better as he was half sitting up and is nosy.
I still have managed to get my 13 month old into a cot (or anywhere without me) so sending sympathy!

Hi OP, just wondering how you’re doing now?

I could write your post word for word and don’t know what to do next