Hi, I am 44 yrs old, and had a burn out 2.5 yrs ago and anxiety and depression issues over the last 8 yrs. Also some stuff in my past (domestic abuse in my fam as a kid) where it has left me with PTSD.
After I quit my job, which was one of the sources of my stress, in Covid time - it took away my stability but luckily i have a small freelance job as well to lean on.
I am a very sensitive person and have often problems with friends who do not understand I need to decompress, and want much more of my time than i can give..
But this summer I was going to set things straight a little bit. eg. Friends who were a bit manipulative, my choices should not be based on ‘pleasing’ others anymore. i am trying to build up myself be brave again.
I have never wanted kids, very probably scared of loosing the amount freedom i need.. Also never felt maternal, but tend to go along empathising my partner, he would love to be a father, and I think he’d be good at it.
I thought I’d made the choice to opt out of having kids though.
This was talked about with partner, he put himself down with my decision ages ago, but now his baby dreams are awakened again.
So on sunday night I found out i am pregnant, 5 wks
Not planned at all. I am feeling very anxious, trapped and tried to find support from my sister and mum, but they didnt really have ears for my problems, and were just over the moon about a baby. I shouldnt have told anybody, but i had no one else to talk to !
My partner doesn’t seem to be able to compliment me - he is a hot head and is no help. He says he wants to help, and be there, but when i am anxious and trying to explain in a cry voice, he reacts like i am shouting at him, and starts shouting himself.
I myself am an empath, tend to blame myself of everything and find it really hard to not get support for myself.
It seemed to go better between us, the last few months. No more stress. I started feeling good again. More understanding between us I thought.
We were planning on moving to a more rural location, and build a house from scratch. Having to live in a caravan for a bit. To do this has been our dream for years. Not really good in combo with a baby.
Having a really hard time to make a decision.
I kind of want to say ‘No’ but I am so scared! and feeling trapped
it would be great to get some perspective
Thank you !
Pen