Can’t seem to get stuff done after mum died.

[Morehousework]

Just that. Brother has been living in her house on and off for last 2 years.( abroad) I couldn’t come very often, issues at home with my Dh and kids. Counsellor said,’your bro is single, doesn’t need to work, your family needs you ‘ was SO hard not to come more often. I think a bit of me gave up trying and put energy into denying I wanted to be here. And yes, i now realise it did result in depression.
been here a week and she died a week ago. We’ve had funeral, brother doing all the arranging, telephoning etc( he likes chatting) , he seems to have it all sussed, he knows all the paperwork etc. not actually sure how to help. And I think hes pissed off I wasn’t here more often. He makes undermining comments and seems to be positioning me as the flaky one. I’m a bit lost as to how long I stay, what’s going on, and feel even more flaky if I have to ask him. I’m thinking to stay till the weekend which will be 10 days. Fills me with anxiety and I’m finding it hard to look at flights, make any kind of decisions.
im annoying myself. I’m sure I used to have purpose, now I’m just sliding through the cracks, can’t achieve anything. Help please, what do I do?!

I'm so sorry your mum died OP.

As opposed to your brother I guess him keeping busy is his way of dealing with the grief.

You are grieving too so please don't be hard on yourself. It's a lot to process.

I don't have great advice but you need to take a breath. Think what is best for you at this time. If you want to go back home because your brother is making you feel bad then do that.

You could sit down with him and ask him why he keeps making those comments and tell him how you are feeling. He needs to be understanding towards your home life and the fact you couldn't always go out there

Sending hugs

Sorry for your loss. I have been in your DB's shoes. There is a massive amount of work to do after a death, and you and your counsellor both seem to be assuming that he has nothing better to do. In his place, I would probably be making comments too. You admit that he has made all the funeral arrangements and that you're not sure how to help. Have you asked?

I'm sorry that you are feeling down, but he probably is too, especially if he has been very close to your DM over the last 2 years. You seem to be assuming it's OK for him to carry all the burden of sorting the estate. That does not seem fair.

Thanks sorry.
Couldn’t agree more miss Lucy. It’s more how do I help. Without getting in the way

In your DB's shoes, I wanted offers of help that meant that I could hand over a task completely. Having to manage my helpers wasn't helpful 😀

So I would say to him, "Thank you for everything you have done over the last couple of years and for arranging the funeral. You have done an amazing job, but I'm conscious it has been a lot of work. I would really like to help, if I can. Are there some things that I can take responsibility for?

If he says no, then I think you are totally justified at taking him at his word. But then he should not complain or make insinuations.

Thanks Lucy. I did that yesterday and am taking over some certain areas.
It’s tricky as we are abroad and of course I have to get back, and he doesn’t.
Single friends seem to think I can stay and work online. It’s certainly tempting! It’s always hard to leave, I love it here. But it is annoying when they say that. I have a Dh who has a very tiring job and 2 teens at home. And I’m starting a new job. I’ll have been here 2 weeks.