Hey everyone,. So I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks since I was a child. I was always worried about death and the death of my parents for some reason, still don't know why after years of counselling. Anyway my worst fears came true when my mum died when I was 11. Funnily enough that was the end of my anxiety for years and years. It didn't start again until I was 32 (the age my mum was when she died), I all of a sudden started to put myself in her place, imagining what it must have been like for her to know she was dying (cancer) and be leaving behind her 4 young children. I am 40 now and I have suffered so badly with anxiety and panic disorder for 8 whole years with small periods of relief every now and then. I have tried several medications, I have had counselling, I have done CBT, all of which helped for a matter of months then I'd relapse. The latest relapse started early this year and has remained. I have been to my GP twice and she has talked me out of medication by saying use alternative therapies like CBT and mindfulness. She said these have worked for me before and to try again. I have tried again and again and they are not doing it for me this time.
I really wanted to avoid medication but now I am so desperate I want to give a new one a go. I am paranoid about going back to my GP though as she will think I'm a failure.
I think I may also have depression now aswell. I have no interest in anything, can barely wash myself. I go through the mundane daily routine of getting kids up and out to school then getting myself to work (I have rang in sick today cause I just couldn't be bothered), home then dinner and all I want to do then is lie down and do nothing. I'm worried about my health, I still constantly worry about me dieing and leaving my kids behind. I feel my teens are ok and don't really notice but my little 4 year old is suffering now because of this relapse, I am distant and boring and I feel so sorry for her.
I eat crap, convenience foods and rubbish cause I have lost interest in eating healthily and cooking decent meals, they are all just crap processed food or take out or rubbish to fill a hole but not really enjoy. I do zero exercise, my job is sedentary and in the evenings it's the very last thing I want to do. I have absolutely no interest in exercise, I actually hate the thoughts of it. I could do with losing about 2 stone in weight aswell.
I'm just feeling lost and don't know where to start or where to turn anymore. I feel everyone is just sick of me being like this.