Am I bipolar?

[Treetops12]

I was wondering if anyone can help me please.

1.5 years ago I was diagnosed with severe Pnd and possible ptsd, possible ocd.. My symptoms were constant anxiety, waking with panic, fear, wiredness and never able to sleep more than a few hours or nap. Like ivd had lots of caffeine.

I was put on setraline which made me very activated, agitated and much worse. Then started having crashes of crying and suicidal thoughts. Mirtazapine the same.. And i was on them for months.

Then I came off all drugs. Still have loads of panic, depression, severe anxiety, derealization and episodes of crying. I can always get to sleep but wake 3 or 4 hours later with severe panic. I want to sleep.

Now a new psych I'm seeing says he 'thinks' I may have disphoric bipolar caused by childbirth. But he's not sure as I don't ever have the elevated mood.

Is this what bipolar is like? I'm so scared and confused by all this.

I tried quitiapine but it made me very irritable. Is there anything else I can try other than olanzapine which I hear is horrific for weight gain?

I have bipolar and it does sound familiar. I’ve been on olazipine before and didn’t gain weight. I now take aripiprazole and lamotragine and my weight and more importantly my mood is stable.

I'm also on lamotrigine and aripiprazole and it has helped me a lot.

@Pinkandpurplehairedlady thanks. What dose did you tske of olanzapine?

Is this similar to how you feel?

My heart races and I feel wired. And I'm nervous in company. Can't do the things I used to. Have a real strong panic feeling. I don't feel high. I often feel very sad. But when im crying I still agitated /not tired..

One psych says agitated depression. The other says this. But he also says it doesn't mean he's diagnosing me as bipolar or that id be bipolar for life.

Could be a mixed state which is another type of bipolar episode. But how long have you felt like that?

@Rose5678 since I stopped breastfeeding my second child 1.5 years ago.

It doesn't start and stop. I'm always wired now. Plus the other symptoms above.

It was bad before they put me on setraline right back at the beginning Then setraline made the anxiety so bad I became suicidal. It was hell.

I’m afraid I can’t remember what dose it was but it did help. I took it at night as it made me sleepy.

@Pinkandpurplehairedlady did it make you happy? Ive lost a lot of my joy and feeling true happiness, contentment and love for my kids and family.

@Rose5678 i was also under the care of the perinatal psych for a year who never said anything about bipolar

It sounds like a mixed episode, but if it’s constant rather than episodic it seems less bipolar-like. But honestly, working out what it is might not even be the most important thing right now, just trying to find a medication that will improve your symptoms is. Something like Lamotrigine is used for bipolar but doesn’t have side effects like weight gain etc so could be a good one to try (especially since you reacted badly to the Sertraline so might understandably be nervous about trying something else).

@Rose5678 does it help with feeling happier and less anxious? And would it improve sleep?

For me it did definitely made me less anxious and it levelled out my moods so I didn’t feel as low and didn’t go as high. I don’t think it has any sedative effects so not sure if it would help with sleep apart from that you’d prob sleep better if you weren’t as anxious/high/low etc

What other medications has your doctor suggested? Do you feel nervous about taking meds?

@Rose5678 it's funny, I never feel high. I feel wired. And I have a Lower stress tolerance. I don't feel contentment, relaxation or those feelings of pure love and happiness that I used to. I'm motivated to do stuff because I can't sit with my anxiety. I have to keep don't stuff most of the time.

Just how I'm feeling never thought it was bipolar but maybe it is but I'm crying all the time carnt relax carnt sleep and if I do I wake up scared been on sertraline gone back on fluoxtine I feel like this 24 7 no appetite and no joy in anything

@pearson911 I'm so sorry. I know how awful it is. Today I can't get out of bed for crying. And I can't sleep or relax in the day time even when I take diazapam.
Is your crying kind of panic driven? Mine is.
Setraline made me very ill. How long were you on it? I hope prozac works for you x

Hi treetop sorry your felling like this it's terrible I know I was on fluoxtine for many years but just tried sertraline and propranolol did not suit me so June gone back onto fluoxtine on a higher dose hope you feel better very soon I'm just so scared of life and burdening family to ill and scared to go back to work but of course I need the money so there is something to worry about always hate my life at the min all I do is cry like you no sleep no food hope we both get better soon but i think my illness is here to stay as much as I try to help myself ❤️❤️❤️

I'm bipolar and while what you are saying feels familiar, you seem to be lacking the euphoria and high. Hyper mania was always especially enjoyable for me. I exuded confidence, was charming and attracted people by the bucket load. Had sex 3-5 times daily and felt everything so intensely. Then I would to over into full blown mania, everybody annoyed me, nobody was as brilliant as me, I snapped at everybody. My mind was a billion miles an hour and I was a fucking GOD that lesser mortals just didn't understand. Then I'd crash and be so detached from everything that I couldn't have even shed a tear if my dog had died. I didn't want anybody, I had such crippling chilling shame that people even looking at me felt like literally burns. Then I'd be so depressed I'd hear voices, cry for days and be unable to get out of bed. Then I'd be just ok. Glad not to be crying but not wanting to feel anymore , any better or happier as it's a cycle. I questioned every single feeling I'd ever had. Was I genuinely happy at that time? Or was I hypermanic? Am I making the correct choice now or is it my depression? For me I was always at my very very highest manic point around the summer solstice to the 6 weeks holiday. At my very worst from mid December to early feb.

@roopeedoopeedooo oh gosh that sounds so very intense and difficult.

I can definitely say I've not experienced anything like that.

I am motivated to do 'normal' things, days out, birthday parties for the kids and stuff. But I jusf feel wired, like I'm energised even when my sleeps been rubbish.

I have surges of agitation/panic which lead to crying. I still feel wired when I'm upset.

I definitely don't have any feelings of greatness or anything like that.

I'm restless and i experience derealization all the time.

My psych can't decide if it's ptsd driven or hypomania without euphoria.

Funny you mention PTSD. After my BP diagnosis, I started a medical trial. Got intensive psychotherapy that saved my life. Proper psychological help, an hour a week for six months. I was diagnosed with CPTSD and was encouraged to go drug free as I hated the sedative effect of quetiapine. I did so much research about CPTSD. That therapy changed my life. It was a long healing process but now, after accepting what is been running from I've found a peace that I never experienced before hand. I would say that 80% of my bipolar symptoms have gone now. But they still air at certain times. Mostly the height of summer and depths of winter. I am still impulsive, I still spend money like crazy. I still self harm in socially acceptable ways. But I am much better and I can deal with it so much better. I have "top up" therapy every 4-6 years and an about to start another course next week. As I'm maturing as a woman I'm finding I see things differently, and that needs processing. I had a traumatic and emotionally neglectful childhood, was sexually abused and raped as a teen by a family friend and then fell into a domestic violent relationship with my coke dealer. I had two kids by age 19. I didn't get my diagnosis until age 30 when I had a total break down from trying to run from my past instead of processing it.

There is a lot of feminist mental health professionals that say that diagnosis of EUBPD, bipolar etc isn't to be treated with sedatives and mod stabilisers as its not a chemical issue. The issue is trauma affecting the woman and that unsealed trauma causes the physical issues that we are diagnosed for. It certainly FEELS like it's a logistical issue and not a mental one. I was very dismissive at first. But the research I did showed that woman are considered "hysterical" far too much and is easy to drug us into compliance than to invest time and therapy into unlocking our issues to process our trauma. It's definitely worth you looking into if you have any trauma in your past. I'm drug free for 99.9% of the time now. I use sleeping pills for a few days to regulate my sleep in summer, and micro dose with psilocybin ( magic mushroom) every week. Every now and then I take a bigger dose and is been a really amazing healing journey for me.

This may trigger some .

I was diagnosed with bipolar 30 years ago and went drug free until 4 years ago because what they gave me I couldn't function in my work or daily life . I thought I was doing great , life and soul of the party . I am not that kind of person though , the complete opposite in fact It was a train wreck . I stacked up so much debt it almost destroyed my marriage , I am lucky I have a husband who is so understanding and could pay the debts off .
I have 2 boys and when they were babies my mum had to bring them up with me because I had the worst pnd and couldn't get out of bed most days .
Then 4 years ago I was sexually assaulted, I crashed . I went into a deep depression that I became unrecognizable to my family they feared for my life . They look me to see a private psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 , a depressive bipolar . Meaning I have more lows than high moods . That made a lot of sense .
They put me on lamotrigine straight away and pregablin, I reacted badly to pregablin so came off that , then they added venlaflaxine, again bad reactions. So they increased lamotrigine and currently my mood is stabilish .
I had lots of therapy which triggered a past trauma of abuse which I apparently I blocked out , it happened when I was 11 , by a group of older teenagers. That was another blow .

I am still in therapy . Men are my red flag .
I have ptsd , anxiety and bpd.

With bipolar there are no symptoms that are the same . Some are more severe than others . Some have suffered traumas in the past which triggers them , it doesn't mean your diagnosis isn't correct .
Me, I would want a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and not a GP but that's me .

@louislong

I'm glad you are stable. Through the years I've been to lots of support groups and I've never met a SINGLE bipolar person that doesn't have trauma in their past. I think it is a very misunderstood condition that is very deeply rooted in the trauma and the way we process it.

Hi , it isn't all trauma based . Chemical imbalance is also a big factor which is what I was told what happened when I had my children . Genetics is another . I do urge , if possible to get referred to a psychiatrist you will get a wider picture of what bipolar is and how it affects you because they delve into your circumstances.

I also think you were on the wrong medication. That is a big factor for someone with bipolar . Antidepressants on their own make you manic , then to come off them suddenly make you crash . Unfortunately GPs don't know enough . Sorry to slate them but they just don't and I found they are playing roulette with our health .