So, I moved to Australia 3 years ago, 7 months pregnant to start a family with a man who turned abusive in every aspect. I highly suspect he is a malignant narcisst. I was in the middle of a law degree when I fell pregnant, and had to drop out midway. Other jobs I had before going to university were in retail which I absolutely hated. My ex told me he would pay for me to finish my degree if I moved to Australia and said if things didn't work out he would give me £100k and let me return to the UK with our son. He is 22 years older than me and well to do. I believed the false promises and agreed to move countries. The degree is now too expensive for me to consider and I can't get student loans, and he laughs and remarks I will be working in retail forever once they are in childcare.
A year after our first was born, I fell pregnant for a second time and the abuse escalated. He physically assaulted me, used to say the most cruel things to me every day, smashed up my phone and computer and would routinely intimidate me or provoke me into getting upset and then laugh about it. He hasn't been a good father by any means and I obviously have concerns that he may become abusive to my children. One example is when he kicked me out of our home, pregnant and with no where else to stay on the day my grandmother died simply because I didn't rush to the door fast enough to greet him and his daughter (from a last marriage). I had to book an air bnb and when I returned the next day, he spat in my face. He would call me fat and ugly everyday when my BMI was 22. I now weigh 49kg, underweight and I'm constantly skipping meals and feeling cautious around food.
He used to goad me into arguments and I felt like I was in a pressure cooker with him. He would calculate and manipulate every argument and eventually I got into an emotional state where I felt like I was losing my mind and losing control and on a few occassions I slapped him which i didnt know was being voice recorded. He laughed and remarked how it didn't hurt, and has been blackmailing me with the recordings ever since with it to have my children taken off me. He sniggers when he plays the recording to taunt me.
Fast forward around 18 months separated, I was on antidepressants for about 6 months up until June, by which point I felt like I was in an okay place in my life to want to stop taking them. Then recently he came over to collect the children for his visitation, started going through my phone notifications while I was on the loo and saw messages from a bloke I had one date with. He started screaming abuse at me (bearing in mind we split almost 2 years ago and he has been with plenty of women casually since). I said I didn't want him taking the children while he is having one of his fits of rage especially driving. To cut a long story short, I tried to lock the door when he stepped outside, and then took the children to the bedroom. I hear him coming in (I didn't even know he had a key) and then I lock the bedroom door and he starts kicking it down, leaving a giant crack next to the bolt. Next thing I know, he is climbing through the window (its a granny flat/bungalow) and starts prying my 1 year old from my arms and shoves me. The whole thing was traumatic and I phoned the police, which has also now caused involvement with social services. I have a restraining order against him but ever since this has happened, I can feel myself becoming extremely depressed where I don't want to go out, I can't sleep at night and I'm always irritable or tearful.
Now since this, his ex wife who desperately wants to escape being a poor single mother, has decided to be his saviour in all of this, and is over every weekend helping with cooking, cleaning and childcare. His 12 year old daughter is also something of a playmate to my two young children and they enjoy playing with her. It seems to be full Disney dad mode when they visit, ice creams, trips to the beach and constant toy purchases and play dates. I feel extremely resentful as I can't offer anything in comparison. I don't live near the beach, I don't have use of a car and it's me on my own juggling taking care of them both on my own 5 days a week and its difficult. I can't afford the childcare here and I live on the child support he sends so I'm extremely poor. I feel like my life is completely destroyed and I'm also unable to create a happy atmosphere for my children because I'm constantly under stress. I have no family, friends or support network of any kind here. I desperately want to return to the UK with them but I can't because of the Hague convention and he's also made threats to my family stating that he knows where they live and he will harm them etc.
This weekend he cancelled his visitation. My 3 year old was disappointed he wasn't going there this weekend and started saying he would rather live with daddy and not see mummy. I should add my 3 year old doesnt even go to the door to greet him ever, and my son only pays attention to his 12 year old. Im happy that my little ones have fun but i feel completely inadequate as im the one constantly cooking, cleaning, dressing them, reading to them and playing with them which is a juggling act on my own and gets stressful at times. Even my one year old wont leave his 12 year olds arms to see me at the end of the day and the ex wife will be smugly smiling about it while i find is upsetting and humiliating given i am the mother. I feel completely heartbroken and sometimes I think about ending it all. I feel so hopeless and trapped in my situation and I can't match the level of support or money for entertainment that he has. I feel like everyone would be happier without me and that I'm dragging my children down with me. His ex wife (who is now doing everything for him) kept remarking that it would obviously be her to take care of my children should something happen to me (noting I've never mentioned suicidal thoughts to anyone, not even my doctor). This woman is extremely cruel. I feel completely undermined by them both and my ex still has a way of making me feel completely inadequate even after I don't have to see him anymore.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening to me rant. I've started taking loxalate again as of this morning, but I don't see any way out.