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Spouse anxious and refuses all work trips

12 replies

Dad840 · 20/08/2022 23:22

Hello, I am looking for some advice. My wife suffers from anxiety and OCD and has struggled to ever let me take short but necessary business trips which causes me huge worries about keeping my job. I very seldom take any trips and Corona fortunately gave me a 3 year break. I live in my wife’s country where my native English means very few jobs are available to me and am the sole breadwinner. I have a necessary trip in October over 4 days which is the company’s annual strategy meeting and where I have to attend as a regional director. In the past I’ve hired a babysitter/driver to help my wife and to stay with her at home, but last time 3 years ago she had a complete breakdown due to the separation anxiety. In other words, arranging full time care for our 7 year old child and to assist my wife full time at home did not remedy any anxiety. The issue for my wife is not the actual task of looking after our son but my absence from the home, or even the thought of it, that causes her extreme fear. It’s very hard for her to have this condition. My freedom of movement and to even work efficiently is very limited, but I’ve managed to navigate especially due to the pandemic shift to teleworking. Therapy has helped a little bit, in that I can now get out of the house for 1/2 a day to work at the office. My main question here is what do I do about my impending work travel? Obviously, no amount of hired support such as getting a nanny with a drivers licence to assist is going to calm my wife down. She is refusing this trip in that she says I cannot go regardless of any consequences from my employer, but I fear that if I duck out my job could be at risk. I’ve explained that I cannot easily get another good paying job and that for the other 360 days a year I can be at home for , do school runs and telework. Is there a solution to this issue besides trying to talk to my employer about this dilemma, or perhaps cancelling my trip last minute?

OP posts:
bluejelly · 21/08/2022 11:14

So sorry to hear. You must go on your trip. You can't allow your wife's illness to impact your life like that. Arrange help for her whilst you are gone but don't allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into staying home. The more you indulge anxiety the worse it becomes. She needs psychological help. Anxiety is (thankfully) treatable. Are you able to persuade her to go to a doctor?

lickenchugget · 21/08/2022 11:17

Go on the trip. She needs to find another way to deal with this; treatment, counselling or trying to get over it by just doing it. It’s not for her to restrict you due to her mental health condition.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2022 11:19

What’s her worst case scenario if you go? You absolutely have to, your income pays for the roof over your heads and you can’t let her endanger it. She needs to get whatever help is available to her to start managing her anxieties better. What would she do if you got ill or injured and had a hospital stay? What if you died? At very short notice my husband ended up in hospital for weeks a few years ago and had several surgeries while I was at home with our baby. What would she do in that situation, just not care for your child?

It sounds hard for her but intolerable for you.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 21/08/2022 11:21

Can she stay with family or friends whilst you are away?

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 21/08/2022 11:23

Can you take her with you to the hotel and let her see its not scary? Obviously she can’t go to the actual work stuff with you but it might help her fear of abandonment. Otherwise have you thought of moving back home or another english speaking country? Are you in a country with any mental health support?

factfile · 21/08/2022 11:24

She urgently needs psychological therapy. You must set clear boundaries and go on the trip. Even though you say paying for help didn't help last time I think you should do it again because it is practical and shows you are setting the boundary that you will not allow the anxiety to rule your lives. You must not lose your job because of her mental illness, that will only make everything worse for her, and you and the family.

Dygger · 21/08/2022 11:32

If you're living in your wife's country are there relatives — mother, sisters, aunts — who would either have her to stay or stay with her?

She needs help. If she doesn't get help and actively work on this issue, then you can't be reasonably expected to spend the rest of your life a prisoner to her mental health problems. You'll have to leave her.

Pawtucketbrew · 21/08/2022 11:33

As pp has said. The more you indulge her fears the more she will be stuck in this cycle. I say this as someone who suffers from panic disorder but medicine and CBT has saved my life.

You must not let her ruin your career. If you lose your job where would you be? Hard to advise when we don't know the country but if there is good medical help I would suggest medication as a start to remove the accute anxiety and let you both make a plan for long-term help. Also maybe look at moving back to the UK?

TokyoTen · 21/08/2022 11:34

Don't cancel your trip and you should go.-.missing strategy meetings will certainly be noticed and be a problem in your career.

Could someone stay with your wife (have family over? Hire someone?). Could she go somewhere to stay herself e.g. Hotel by the beach or whatever. Could she travel to be with her family?

Do you know what makes her feel anxious? Is she worried about security that you could beef up (camera, lights, lock)? Is she worried about harm to you -.arrange regular checkins.

Whatever it is going away for a few days for work is perfectly reasonable. Even if she has a massive meltdown then I think you should still go. She needs to fi d a.way to cope with something that totally reasonable.

Etinoxaurus · 21/08/2022 11:35

You must go.
Flowers
I feel for your wife because such high anxiety is unbearable but she’s behaving abusively.

Discovereads · 21/08/2022 11:41

Your wife needs to expand the number of safe people- people she feels safe with. It is not sustainable for it to be only you. So you can’t hire temporary help or help from an agency that sends someone different every now and then.

You need to add at least a 3rd person to the dynamic that your wife can get used to, develop a connection with and build trust until she feels as safe with them as she does with you. There’s time for this before October. Is there a friend, neighbour or relative of hers that she already has this trust with that can come and stay? If not see if you can get a regular PT carer to come in every day during the work week from now until when you go away at which point they then are FT for the 4 days including perhaps an overnight stay?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 21/08/2022 11:50

Anxiety like this always gets worse if not treated, and gets to the point where other peoples lives are unfairly affected. You have to go, that is the beginning and end of it. She has to learn to live with her anxiety. Relatives staying could help too. She has felt anxious before and nothing bad happened - she can do so again and will have to.

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