Hate my life

[PhatPaws]

Im not sure this should be in mental health bit as I don't feel like it's a mental health issue I feel like it's a life issue.

I feel hard done by even though I know there are people far worse off than me.

I can't get over the fact that my parents left the country when I was 17 years old. I just can't imagine not wanting to have an adult relationship with my children. It's confusing though because they are loving people. I had a stable childhood. But they just left. I don't even know why really. My mum always tries to have lots of contact with me but I just feel so much resentment which makes it's really awkward between us.

My marriage is failing and I feel awful about not providing my kids with a together family. We will make the separation soon.

I used to get jealous when I saw little ones out with their grandparents at the park. As mine don't have grandparents on either side around. But now I also feel jealous about kids with both parents with them.

I can't be enough for them on my own. I know my husband will still play an active role but I wish they had parents together and two sets of grandparents.

I wish I could focus on the positives but I can't at the moment. I feel sorry for myself which is pathetic.

Oh OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling low. First of all - it’s okay. It’s okay to feel like that even if you’re more fortunate than some.

Why did your parents leave? Where did you go or live after they moved?

I never had any grandparents around (2 died when I was a baby, the other 2 lived a 4h flight away and we only spoke on the phone twice a year), I honestly do not miss it because it’s never been a part of my life. I’m perfectly happy with not having a relationship with my (now only one) existing grandparent.

I went to uni. It feels like yesterday that they left because I thinks about it a lot ...and it's still current as they are still away. But it's been 20 years now. I want to accept it.

Thanks for the reassurance about not having many grandparents.

I understand OP. Not the same situation but my parents were very dysfunctional and abusive, I couldn't rely on them at all and there's never been any kind of nice, involved grandparent/s for my kids on either side (my ex's dad died and his mum lives far away too, and doesn't really give a crap). Yours just left, a different situation but equally very hurtful and leaves a deep wound. 17 is so young for that to happen to you. My oldest is 17 and it's unthinkable!

It is very hard bringing up kids without any family support, and it's not fair on your kids either when their friends have grandparents who love them, that they can stay with and do stuff with and so on, and they don't. I feel really bad about it and also jealous, especially of people who can just call on their parents if they need help or overnight childcare.

So I do think it's reasonable to be sad about it and to feel sorry for yourself. I have on many occasions and sometimes still have a cry over it and I'm in my 50s. However, I do also think it's possible for kids to be loved, happy and well-adjusted anyway, including if their parents split up too. I left my ex 6 years ago, he's still involved, but honestly I think everyone is happier now, though of course it's a big upheaval at the time. They need you to love them and have their back – grandparents and a nuclear family aren't the essentials.

But look after yourself and give yourself time to heal - it sounds like a tough time. Have you had any counselling about your feelings about your parents? I do think it can help you accept that it's upsetting and find a way to live with it IYSWIM.

Thanks @BlossomsOnATree that's validating. Sorry that you're parents were abusive, have you come to accept it?

I currently have a counsellor and I've had many therapists and often what happens is they say something that I take the rong way, I feel hurt. We try to work through it but I feel too hurt even though I know they didn't mean it the way I reacted to it and then we have to end.

Well yes and no! Yes I accept it and I'm not constantly upset about it, and I have set firm boundaries with my difficult family members, though that was a long journey I have got there and it helps. But in another way I'll never get over it, I'm still deeply affected by it. I think you can accept something was very wrong and hurt you, make peace with it and move on, but also part of that is accepting it's an indelible part of who you are if that makes sense.

That sounds hard re the counsellors. It's hard to tell if that would always happen or if it's just that you haven't found one who suits you - but it does sound like what happened is still really painful for you.

Have you ever thought that your parents simply made a mistake which they find it hard to admit? We imagine our parents to be invincible and all wise but, as we mature ourselves and still fuck up on a regular basis well into old age, it can dawn on us that they had no more clue about what to do then than we do now.

That sort of makes sense as to why your mum is trying, in her own way, to make amends now.

OP I feel the same way. I am so lucky that I have my partners parents in our lives who are incredible grandparents but I still mourn that I don't have that from my side. My mum moved to the uk when I was 12, my dad moved his girlfriend in pretty much within a year and I went to boarding school. I absolutely can't stand his now new wife. I grew up with such dysfunction. My dad and his wife are selfish narcissists and my mum has suffered with her mental health since I was a child, moved about 14 times since I was 12 and even though they try to be in my life all they do is make me anxious and demented. I spent my life escaping my reality with addiction and my own mental health issues which thank god I'm in good recovery now. My brother was not so lucky and died of an overdose which I know was a result if his childhood trauma. My recovery took huge work and soul searching but was so hard. Ultimately what I'm trying to say I understand. I wish I had parental support and stability but as the other posters have said, I have learned to accept it. And try to look at the positives in my life instead. I once said to a therapist it felt my whole life like going into battle without any armour, a metaphor for not having a stable family support system in my life. I felt ashamed and unworthy. And envied my friends and their families. But I know have my own family now and that's what's important. And how I can only di my best for them, through love stability and safety from me. In this very short snap shot of a post I hope I can just give you some virtual support and let you know I understand. You are enough, in fact you are their world so feel empowered and special for that Xx

@BlossomsOnATree I think I'm very sensitive which doesn't help.

@Eyesopenwideawake yeah I think it's exactly that. I'm not bitter about them deciding to move, I'm bitter about not having any support from them. I don't know if that makes sense. I know they have to live their life. I know it would help me to understand a bit more about why they moved. It's my Dad's home country so in sure I could join the dots but theyve never told me.

@laurbreatnach I wish had some security withing my own family though...my husband and I are breaking up.

My eldest son is a sensitive soul like me. I don't know how he will cope. And this really breaks my heart. I don't want him to resent me/us like I resent my parents.

I feel so alone. I try to have an active social life to compensate but it's never going to make up for my lack of family. I don't know how to get over that.

I would say to go back to therapy, and try and let your therapist know your pattern, and the next time it rears up, stay in therapy if you can. This is clearly deeply affecting your life, and you can move through it but you will need to sit with it for a while. Your therapist will be able to do that with you. They won't leave you. Regardless of what you say or do. I wish you the best of luck to move forward.

I know it would help me to understand a bit more about why they moved. It's my Dad's home country so in sure I could join the dots but theyve never told me

Would it be possible to ask them? Not in an accusatory way but as conversation - it's a very natural thing to ask.

@coffeeisthebest yeah I'm still seeing my therapist. I told her at the start my pattern. About two sessions ago I got upset with something she said and I've told her. It's just so annoying to continueally have to be working in the relationship between us when that not what I've come to therapy for. But I do know that there's a reason for this playing out and I need to work on it....it doesn't stop the frustration though.

@Eyesopenwideawake you know what now that I think about it they did tell me maybe a couple years after they left but I guess I still question it now that I have kids. My question would be like why do you still not want to be in the same country as me now that I have kids. It's like at every stage I re-question why they wouldn't want to be a part of that.

I get why you would feel hurt over them leaving you when your 17 but surely they offered for you to go with them? Did they make sure you had somewhere to live and continue to look after you financially while they were gone?

What strikes me most is you said you can't understand why they don't want to live in the same country as you now. Do you expect them after 20 years to leave a life they have built to move back to the UK just to support you now in your late 30's? I get they have grandchildren here but many grandparents live hours and countries away from their grandchildren, that's just life.

I think you are feeling extra sensitive about the situation now that your own marriage is in trouble and you just want your parents nearby to help and support you. I do get that but it's not real life for many people. I lost my mum when I was a child, I have mourned her since then and am still saddened by the fact my kids never had her around but that was nobody's fault.

I think you need to get over this in anyway you can, keep at the counselling and don't give up until you achieve what you want out of it.

Best of luck

@fdkc it's not about expectations.

Well what exactly is it about then?? In your own words you said "My question would be like why do you still not want to be in the same country as me now that I have kids". That sounds like you want them to uproot their lives to come support you with yours.

I'm sorry if I have gotten it totally wrong but I am only going on what you have said. You also said they did give you a reason for their move a few years ago. What more do you want them to do at this stage. I am sure they probably regret leaving you but it's a decision they made and have to live with. What you need to do now is accept the explanation they gave you, accept that they are not going to be moving back to the UK to support you and accept that although tough this was your life path and there is nothing anyone can do to change that now.

Absolutely agree with @fdkc

You say "I can't be enough for them on my own." Why do you feel that way?

On a practical note I seemed to remember there was (is?) an 'adopt a granny' scheme some time ago that put grandparent-less parents and grandchildren-less older people together for mutual benefit. Would it be worth looking into that?

But I think feeling very hurt that they wanted to move away, and feeling hurt that they don't want to be nearby, is not the same as expecting or asking them to move back. It's just about the pain that this is the situation, that that was the choice they made instead of choosing OP and now her kids too.

OP you said you're not enough on your own, meaning for your DC, but maybe that's partly about your parents leaving making you feel you're not enough for them. You are enough for your DC, but maybe the whole situation has left you with that "not enough" feeling.

I do think 17 is a hard age because you're testing the water of being independent but you also need that back-up to come home to, because being independent for the first time is scary. And I think it's OK to have all these feelings and to not be over it - though it doesn't have to feel like that for ever and you can heal from it too.