Helping DD

[ToughStart]

First off if this in anyway causes any of you distress I'm very sorry, but I'm genuinely looking for help.

My DD (14 yrs) has been diagnosed with anxiety for about a year, she's seen a CBT therapist whom she disliked intensely and is now seeing an Art therapist who she is building a good rapport with, she hates talking about herself so the art provides a buffer. She also been takingp fluoxetine for the last 9/10 months with no obvious side effects

However she has very recently confessed to me she's had suicidal thoughts for a long time - since before her diagnosis - and believes she's so worthless why should she live. Practically we've agreed she'll mention this to her therapist and we need to think about what other professional help to get her. Meanwhile this last couple of days has been lots of cuddles and hanging out on the sofa together.

Obviously I'm so so sad for her and wish I had some kind of magic wand to make it all better. I know I can't. My question I guess is for those of you who struggled with suicidal thoughts as teenagers and now as adults (and again I genuinely hope this doesn't offend or trigger anyone) what helped, what do you wish someone had done, or your parents could have done to help.

Thank you

The main thing for me would be don't make your feelings about it her problem. My mum would constantly tell me how worried she was and how I'm all she has and beg for constant reassurance that I wouldn't do anything or ask what she did wrong for me to have mental heath problems.

This resulted in a relationship where I tell her literally nothing that isn't good news, hide the fact that I see a therapist and even my colleagues and manager are primed to tell her that I'm out doing deliveries if she comes in looking for me when I'm not there.

My therapist knows me better than she does and honestly I haven't the energy to change that anymore.

Thank you for sharing that, sounds really tough. But good you have found people who can support you. I know DD didn't tell me before as she 'didn't want to stress' me. But since we spoke I've tried really hard to not mention how I feel. Just been focused on her really. I knew she was struggling with anxiety but these feelings are much more than I'd imagined.

I would also second the above advice. And also to ensure that you have looked at your own anxiety and understand your own triggers. Maybe some therapy of your own? And I was just thinking that while I would have benefitted from outside professional support as a teen, I also, really deeply didn't believe that my parents saw any worth in me either, so every time I 'saw' anyone else I also felt pushed away and outsourced. Sorry if that is hard to read. I think I mean that it needs to be a collaboration now, between you as the healthy, nurturing parent, your daughter and other professionals. I just felt like a problem to be fixed, rather than a struggling human. I also could have done with knowing that having suicidal thoughts is fairly common so it might help if you read up on this a bit so you are informed too. I hope that helps.

Thinking about it now I have also had a similar experience with a therapist who I felt could handle what I was saying. Whereas I couldn't speak to my mum either as I knew she couldn't cope.

Thanks as well, I hadn't thought about it but I do think therapy would help me, I had some in my 30s and I've always been honest about that but perhaps I should revisit some of it. It's hard to not want to 'fix' her, I mean I know I can't but god do I wish I could. When we talked about telling her therapist it was mainly about making sure she got professional help but we also talked about just spending time together talking. I guess I'm unsure of myself and getting it wrong or saying the wrong thing.

I know. xx The need to 'fix' is extremely strong, and it's great that you can see it. And she is your baby, and you just want her to be ok, that's completely normal and human. Go really easy on yourself, you sound like a very caring Mum. All I really wanted was someone to want to hang out with me too, and you are doing that, so in my book that is massive. Try not to lose sight of the significance of just spending time together, whatever you are doing. Hopefully with time she will gradually feel stronger and break away a little more, in her own time.

Trying not to show how concerned you are is easier said than done sadly.It’s also very hard not to want to fix things for your much loved child. I probably did both of these and I suspect my child doesn’t tell me the real lows as an adult, which I feel guilty about.However they access excellent therapy when they feel it necessary which may be better for them. We have a very loving relationship despite my mistakes.

And I honestly don't think you can say the 'wrong' thing. Just let her talk, listen, and say what you think too. That's definitely enough. The mere fact that she has voiced it to you is a positive step.

Thank you so much all of you. It's been a guy wrenching couple of days that I've been trying to hide. I appreciate your thoughts.
She's really the most wonderful human being.

Sounds like you did a great job, actually. Therapy is there precisely so your child can take their extreme lows somewhere safe and you can have a relationship with them that is not always about their stuff. That sounds very healthy.

Guy = gut
Sorry

I do think partly she's felt she can say something now is because she has a therapist she likes and feels safe with. The first one she really disliked and I think didn't help her feel like she could open up or that the therapy would help.
So @angstridden2 I think it's good your cold has access to that and also a loving relationship with you. I hope to get there ourselves

It is great she has a therapist she trusts and she has felt able to open up to you.
Also good he is on the fluoxetine with no bad side effects.

If she has said anything about when / how these suicidal thoughts take her, then I'd continue to be extra vigilant around those areas.

There is also a Child mental health board here. There are ways through, over this summer we have halved my DD's dose of fluoxetine (under guidance of her psychiatrist).

Thanks I'll head over and take a look. I'm keen to get as many resources as I can find.

Good point as well about finding out more about when and where she feels these emotions. I've tried not to pry or push too much after she told me but I can try to gently find out more.

Lots of cuddles and hanging out on the sofa would of been so helpful to me. You sound like such a lovely mum, she is really lucky to have you. Wishing her better

When my ds was having suicidal thoughts last summer I got A LOT wrong, but the best advice I got was to not ask questions but instead respond with stock phrases like "that sounds very difficult / that must be hard". I was advised to not use I or you but more "that .." Having these phrases also helped me to hide my absolute gut wrenching horror behind these more anodyne words. It also helped ds to carry on talking as it is a validating response.

Best wishes to you

I would have benefited from time with my parents, just talking, or playing boards games, etc, but actively communicating with each other. Also from encouragement and support to do the things I was passionate about as hobbies, the things that brought me joy - it didn’t mean spending (much) money, it meant time. My parents were decent people, they just didn’t have the emotional energy left for me.

Is there anything - a sport, or a hobby of some sort - that she can channel some of her mental energy towards?

I genuinely can't thank everyone enough for sharing their experiences, I've been feeling very overwhelmed since she told me.

She likes kick boxing, she's been doing sparring for about 18months. I guess there is goodness in hitting stuff! And this evening we're starting a star wars marathon after much debate of the 123456 or 456123 ordering !

that sounds very difficult / that must be hard". I was advised to not use I or you but more "that .."

Good tip. Thanks