Feel like a total failure - mental health has hit rock bottom

[sweetkitty]

Don’t know where exactly to put this but I just need to talk to someone about it. Firstly there’s my job my contract is for 3 days a week but in my current place I have never done 3 days a week I’ve always worked full time. Last year worked full time all was great. I love my job and I think I’m good at it. Two full time roles came up plus another person was coming back after may leave 3 days. I applied for a FT post but even before the interviews I was put down for the job share with the other PT person. I started going out meeting people etc. Then the interviews came along I didn’t do great by in it and didn’t get a job (for the job I have been doing for the past 3 and a bit years). The feedback was I didn’t say enough about what I do in the interview even though the people who interviewed me know I do it I never told them. Two other people got the FT jobs and I have lost 2/5s of my salary effectively. I feel terrible as the whole building knows this and we’re shocked and gutted for me.

I also have a DD who is suffering from severe anxiety and doesn’t leave her bedroom, she self-harms and it’s heart/breaking how unwell she is. We have had to fight for help for her. I’m worried sick about her.

im utterly exhausted as I’m not sleeping properly and I have chronic pain which has flared up in my neck, shoulders and head. I’m living on pain killers and migraine tablets. I’m already on 40mg citalopram so it’s not a case of going to the GP for ADs.

Thing about interviews is you have to treat the panel like they know nothing of anything.
I know a teacher who didn’t get a job brocade he hadn’t said anything about the curriculum - he assumed the panel would know he knew!! They have keywords like curriculum that they need you to tell them

Im on Mirtazapine as I cannot sleep, originally I was on the same as you. Perhaps you need a review of medication with your GP

Thanks oh I know I messed up the interview but I wish it had been with people I didn’t know and hadn’t worked with for years. Other colleagues were saying that they thought I was never going to get it as it was really convenient to have me job share and ot would have been tricky to back fill my PT post if I had got one of the FT roles.

ive not seen or spoken to a GP since before covid appointments very rare

I also found out yesterday that the person who got one of the posts has no experience in our sector which made me feel even worse given that I have over 3 full years in it. Am I really so rubbish at my job?

There’s another job came up 20 mins drive away at a different council I love where I work now it’s 5 mins from my house but a lose of two fifths of your salary in this climate is tough.

ive been in so much pain today I’ve had to up my painkillers. I know it’s stress related but it doesn’t help every time I think about the job situation or poor DD I just cry especially poor DD

This sounds really sad and i feel for you.

I think you have had a few serious knocks which will have an ongoing impact on your life and self esteem. I don't think you deserve any of it and i really will hope that some nice things happen to you in the next few weeks.

From what you write, you have really tried your best, are still trying, and I think you deserve (lots of) praise for that.

Best wishes... I think you are a really cool person and i am sorry you are crying.... You are flipping well NOT a total failure, indeed not a 'failure' at all, just a person having a really tough time in their life.

Look after yourself please.

A lady I work with (senior to me now) showed amazing resiliance after a series of knocks of a similar nature. Not getting the promotion position several times even when encouraged to apply for the job.

She has that job now though. She kept going. I have had nothing but admiration for her throughout - from when she was my level, through the knocks, to now she is senior. Very hard working and determined lady.

The times she didn't get the job were not personal she perhaps needed to practice her interview questions or someone else did fab on the day (I'm not privy to that info but that's how it seems to me.)

Not getting that post does not mean that you are not highly respected by your colleagues and management.

....obviously respect doesn't keep the light on so yes go for other jobs. Do so with your head held high. In the mean time might your household be eligible for any income top ups like universal credit?

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter. You sound a great caring mum and you'll keep fighting to get her help I'm sure. I'm sorry your family is going through such troubles.

If you can afford it consider paying to see an osteopath, mine really helped me with chronic pain in my legs and back, it was the best £60 I ever spent. It was four years ago so cost has probably risen but it reduced my pain by about 70%. Chronic pain is an awful cycle the tension makes it so much worse.

I can’t offer other advice, all I can do is wish you well sounds like a very difficult and upsetting time.

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Thank you for your kind words it’s my birthday today and it’s been rubbish, my DH has been just rubbish and I had a big fight with him I tried to say I was hurt by something but he’s never wrong and turns it all around. I got about 8 messages on FB and one card from a friend all I have done for my birthday is lie in my bed and cry. Next year I’m going to book somewhere nice away by myself SPD the lot of them.

@Adversity sorry I’ve seen an osteopath who was horrid and hurt me too much and a chiropractor who was better. £35 for 10 mins wasn’t too bad. I have fibromyalgia and am v sensitive to pain and this is just a flare due to all this stress I’m going through right now.