Advice on dealing with family members

[Bigned3986]

Overwhelmed - yes, but signs of progress hindered by circumstances. My DW has suffered an alcoholic dependency for some considerable time now since having a gastric bypass a few years ago. I have posted separately about alcohol issues, but want to focus on advice on triggers, especially as they are affecting the hard work she is doing to reduce alcohol intake

All through her life, she has had issues with her own family unit. Her mum is coming over this weekend (Saturday morning) and being narcissistic, will be expecting the usual fanfare. Her sister is coming over Friday for the day but will not stay the night. Neither her mum or sister will communicate with each other to coordinate travel despite living five mins away from each other (11/2 hours drive from us). When DW challenged her mum during a phone call, she was quickly dismissed, along with other family issues… all due to her DM’s anxiety. She finds her mum extremely hard to talk to about her own current issues where her mum continually relates them back to her own past issues which she is unable to move on from some years later. During the summer holidays, there has been no offer from DW's family - especially her mum. While this has been typical of every school holiday period ever since our children have been at school, it's been exacerbated by her mum saying she hasn't seen the kids for ages, also blaming my DW for this as we have been 'busy' at weekends. It has been during the week where we could really have done with the support, but her mum will not fit in to our family routines and offer help when we need it most.

DW has been actively seeking help, but what I find frustrating is the outside influences ie her family. DW asked me directly what to do about how her family are making her feel and that is really what I’m looking for advice on. Her mum sees family members as ‘baggage’ despite appearing to show care for her and our own family (children with additional needs etc). This was also clearly demonstrated when DW's sister told her mum she had a new boyfriend and would her mum like to meet him. Her mum refused, citing her anxiety and that she didn't like him. She had not met the poor guy and wasn't able/prepared to try and support her younger daughter (recovered from brain tumour op a few years ago), let along her elder daughter (my DW), with our children with additional needs. Her communication with my DW is divisive and often creates a triangle of communication, which then becomes disjointed and misinterpreted.

Conversations between her mum often leave DW feeling exhausted and drained. DW tries to set boundaries with her family, but they are so often ignored, causing DW to go downhill with her mental health. As I said at the start, she is trying really hard to engage with alcohol etc, but cannot shake off, what appears to be a ball and chain with her family holding the key.

Hope this makes sense and any advice greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

Anyone....?

Maybe try going low contact? Don't have them round I guess.

Would your wife be open to engaging in therapy in order to discuss these matters and her alcohol dependency?

Have you considered Al-Anon for yourself- a support organisation for family members of drinkers?

I notice that you take a lot of responsibility in identifying contributing factors to her drinking and wanting to solve it - and that can be exhausting, which is why I recommend support for you and her separately.
There are likely to be several contributing factors to why your wife has become alcoholic dependent, that can be explored in therapy- however, the motivation to do so must come from her

Many thanks both. With regard to therapy, she is already engaging with specialist psychotherapy, plus alcohol support group sessions. So, she is clearly motivated. It's the behaviour of her family and how they make her feel that is concerning, along with the insistan e in weekly phone calls. Her mum will not ring, but will soon let my wife know if she hasn't rang. Her mum will not accept any responsibility for how she makes my wife feel, hence her asking me directly what I thought.

Hopefully she can address those dysfunctional dynamics in therapy. Unfortunately we don't have control of others' behaviour, but your wife can, with the help of the therapist, think about how to set (and stick to) boundaries with her mum.
Hopefully you will seek and get some support too!

I want to add that therapy can increase her awareness of how her early relationship with her mum is impacting on her current relationship, i.e, understanding her own 'emotional pull' to respond to her mum and 'be at her service'. With that understanding she can notice when she is getting emotionally pulled in, and learn to respond differently

Sounds tricky OP, but I think it's really important to bear in mind that no one else has responsibility for maintaining our own boundaries except us. So it is unreasonable to expect your wife's family to do this as they just won't and can't. It is only when we take control of our own agency and stop expecting others to manage our lives that we can begin to navigate life more on our own terms. I wish your wife all the best and would also encourage you to perhaps step back slightly from her family unit, their relationships will be deeper and more complex than the view you will only see through your wife's lens.

Many thanks both. She is undergoing specialist psychotherapy, where she is starting to understand the pressures on her. Her therapist said she had a lot of 'needy babies' and included me in this as her husband; telling me she considers me as comparable to her mum. This did make open communication more difficult, but something we can resolve.
As for her family, we had her mum, which enabled us to go out Saturday evening, but the price to pay was for both of us to engage with her mum in constant conversation all day yesterday. Backing off would be easy for me, but then my wife is left to it with her mum especially. After her mum left, my wife was totally exhausted from having to be 'on ceremony' for her mum. So perhaps this will give her a chance to take stock and re-lay her boundaries.